Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I'm gonna remember all the things my "friends" and "family" have done to hurt me
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 642256" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Anger is normal and can be a good thing. It can help us see things & people the way they truly are.........and in that way help us heal. It can also help us set up boundaries. </p><p></p><p>I totally , totally get what you're saying. I've been there. </p><p></p><p>However, you must also come to realize that you are not like your family. You are your own person. And from your post, I can tell you are not the type of person that turns there back on those they love when they are needed. You must learn to balance letting people learn from their mistakes and live their own lives with being the person you are and helping when it is truly needed. Otherwise, you will have issues forgiving yourself for not stepping in. </p><p></p><p>I've stepped back nearly completely from stepdaughter katie. At nearly 35 there is nothing I can do to actually "help" her that would not contribute to the life she has chosen which is going to lead her straight to utter disaster. Will I be there if she truly needs me? I honestly, at this point, don't know. It would depend upon the circumstances. I do know it would take something very serious for me to consider stepping in. </p><p></p><p>My mother has hurt me endlessly from as far back as I can remember. The older members here can tell you that not that many years ago I swore hell would freeze over before she'd ever come to live with me. There is not even a maternal / child bond between us. However, she has been living with me for 5 months. Why? Because she needed me, and the bottom line is that she is my mother. It's not been easy. But had I not stepped up, I'd not have forgiven myself. That is the person I am, which has nothing to do with her. I've learned to accept that. </p><p></p><p>Your beginning sentence to this post is the story of my life, especially when it comes to my family. </p><p></p><p>As I've aged, I've come to realize some things. I am so unlike my family that I wonder how I came from the same gene pool. (I'm serious) If someone needs help, I'm there. But I have learned the art of walking the fine line between truly helping and enabling someone. If my family had not treated me as they did, and others along the way, I might not ever had learned that valuable lesson. Being hurt by helping forced me to learn to step back and view the situation differently. </p><p></p><p>I've also learned to view my family members objectively as the actual people they are as well as WHY they are the way they are. </p><p></p><p>I stand outside of my family circle. I always have due to circumstances beyond my control. I view them realistically and do not have unrealistic expectations. When I give of myself to help someone, I don't do it with any expectations whatsoever. (that is harder than you think because many such expectations are on a subconscious level) I've learned to give of myself because it is who I AM, because I want to, nothing more. I am true to me. And I have found happiness because of it. I have boundaries. I don't just give of myself willie nillie without stopping to look at the circumstances. </p><p></p><p>I released the anger when I realized the lessons I was learning from others even though they were unaware of what they were teaching me. Everything happens for a reason. I won't enable someone, but if they truly need me, I will be there. That is who I am.</p><p></p><p>You have a right to your anger, which is also pain. Allow yourself to feel it and learn from it, then let it go. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 642256, member: 84"] Anger is normal and can be a good thing. It can help us see things & people the way they truly are.........and in that way help us heal. It can also help us set up boundaries. I totally , totally get what you're saying. I've been there. However, you must also come to realize that you are not like your family. You are your own person. And from your post, I can tell you are not the type of person that turns there back on those they love when they are needed. You must learn to balance letting people learn from their mistakes and live their own lives with being the person you are and helping when it is truly needed. Otherwise, you will have issues forgiving yourself for not stepping in. I've stepped back nearly completely from stepdaughter katie. At nearly 35 there is nothing I can do to actually "help" her that would not contribute to the life she has chosen which is going to lead her straight to utter disaster. Will I be there if she truly needs me? I honestly, at this point, don't know. It would depend upon the circumstances. I do know it would take something very serious for me to consider stepping in. My mother has hurt me endlessly from as far back as I can remember. The older members here can tell you that not that many years ago I swore hell would freeze over before she'd ever come to live with me. There is not even a maternal / child bond between us. However, she has been living with me for 5 months. Why? Because she needed me, and the bottom line is that she is my mother. It's not been easy. But had I not stepped up, I'd not have forgiven myself. That is the person I am, which has nothing to do with her. I've learned to accept that. Your beginning sentence to this post is the story of my life, especially when it comes to my family. As I've aged, I've come to realize some things. I am so unlike my family that I wonder how I came from the same gene pool. (I'm serious) If someone needs help, I'm there. But I have learned the art of walking the fine line between truly helping and enabling someone. If my family had not treated me as they did, and others along the way, I might not ever had learned that valuable lesson. Being hurt by helping forced me to learn to step back and view the situation differently. I've also learned to view my family members objectively as the actual people they are as well as WHY they are the way they are. I stand outside of my family circle. I always have due to circumstances beyond my control. I view them realistically and do not have unrealistic expectations. When I give of myself to help someone, I don't do it with any expectations whatsoever. (that is harder than you think because many such expectations are on a subconscious level) I've learned to give of myself because it is who I AM, because I want to, nothing more. I am true to me. And I have found happiness because of it. I have boundaries. I don't just give of myself willie nillie without stopping to look at the circumstances. I released the anger when I realized the lessons I was learning from others even though they were unaware of what they were teaching me. Everything happens for a reason. I won't enable someone, but if they truly need me, I will be there. That is who I am. You have a right to your anger, which is also pain. Allow yourself to feel it and learn from it, then let it go. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I'm gonna remember all the things my "friends" and "family" have done to hurt me
Top