I'm in such a funk. (warning - LONG)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We had a GREAT weekend away. Its our one (and usually only) adults only trip we take every year. I worked my tail off to get ready on Thursday so we could leave as soon as husband got home from work, didn't get everything done, but enough that I didn't have to worry about getting too much more done either when we arrived or got back home.
    Back up... husband said 2 summers ago that we needed to pack the bearings on our camper. Its been on my list to do, but I haven't got to it - it always seems something that is truly broken comes up and has to be dealt with instead (that and I've actually taken time a couple times a week this summer to ride my horse with a friend). PLus, my truck needs rewired for trailer lights and brakes, my brother is going to help with this, but he and I haven't been able to coordinate schedules.
    So Thursday, I packed a bag for difficult child to spend the night with his teacher, wrote out everything she needed to know. Took him and the coon to school (show and tell), then came home. Washed all the laundry in the house, changed the sheets on the bed, ran the vacuum, packed all the clothes for husband and I for the trip, mailed some packages, went to the city for groceries and difficult child's medications, (locked keys in the car there), came home and packed the groceries in the camper, checked the tires, etc, left notes for my mom, who was staying here with difficult child, on chores, etc. Left a note for easy child 1 to do some of the chores, too. Packed lawn chairs, charcoal, put weekend feeders in the fish tank, checked livestock, and put all the horses in the big pasture so no one would have to hay or water. (husband has been doing hay for his folks in the evening the past several nights). Then easy child 1 got home from work. I was hooked up to the camper and couldn't get the brakes to work on the camper, so he and I spent an hour trying to get them fixed, knowing the whole truck needs to be rewired, just trying to get it to work for this trip. I filled the truck with diesel ($170), husband got home, showered, and we left. I drove, because husband tries to drive my truck like a gas engine (its a diesel - it will NOT accelerate fast regardless of how far to the floor you push the pedal...doing that just ***** fuel...)
    Had a great time on the trip. Went to come home yesterday, and NO lights worked, let alone brakes, and we were in the Ozark mountains. I drove and broke a tree limb off coming out of the campground. Stopped to check the camper for damage, and husband said we needed to pack those bearings when we got home. So while I checked the camper roof, he jacked up the camper to look at a wheel. We didn't HAVE any wheel bearings in one wheel. GONE. We wouldn't even have made it 50 miles on those mountains roads. I was so angry at him and myself....I could have spit nails (while I resealed the friggin' camper roof this spring because it was leaking, he tinkered up a little light to wire to the front of the camper - might be handy when we have to set up in the dark, he said, we wouldn't have to use a flashlight...). Found a parts store and luckily were able to replace the bearings, and 3 hours and a lot of grease and sweat later, was on our way home (note the stock trailer is sitting in the yard in the same condition). Again, I drove because the last time we went WITHOUT the camper, husband drove and used just as much fuel as I do WITH a 4000 pound camper hitched to the truck...and when you're talking about $170 worth of fuel, that's substantial.
    Got home and unpacked and unloaded. difficult child 1 was good last night. Went to pick up easy child 2, and her mom said she needed to clean her room before she came. Which was fine, but her mom's not working this summer, and easy child 2 had just spent 4 "extra" days with her mom (she was "supposed" to have been here this past weekend). So I went home and waited til easy child called, then went back and picked her up (trying to be to her mom the person I would like her mom to be back to me...)
    Check messages at home. A guy who we're cutting hay off of has left about a hundred messages thinking we're ignoring him. Last message says he's finding someone else to cut the hay. I tell husband. Its 5pm. He says he'll call the guy tomorrow. Why not tonight? Cause he just doesn't want to. I said "the guy is mad. He is finding someone else to do this, and WE NEED THAT HAY!" husband says that the guy isn't gonna dictate what he does, he'll call him tomorrow. So fine, I walk away, trying not to worry about it (if we lose this field of hay, we'll likely lose 3 others...and we NEED that hay - but then again, husband thought we could get by last winter on 20 bales - we fed 50)
    I unpack, fix dinner, buy a few groceries, get the kids picked up, check in with mom, who kept difficult child, check stock, unpack the camper, etc. husband helps easy child 1 with a trailer he's working on. easy child asks to use husband's welder, husband him-haws around, finally says ok, but charges easy child $20, so easy child goes to husband's parents' house to bring the welder home.
    Enter today. I am in a serious funk. difficult child had BT, so I have to miss 3 hours of work, and the lady I'm working on a project with, who has had all month to check a file, finally did it, and it turns out needing some minor modification. Nothing major, but still...this was supposed to be done by this month end. That won't happen now.
    I go to BT (see post in general). Just makes the funk a little funkier. difficult child gets home and is a loon. husband calls and is going to talk to the hayfield owner, says he'll be home in a few minutes. I try to appease kids
    til he gets home, he's told them he'll take them fishing when he gets home, and I plan to work on the other wheel bearings on the camper. An hour passes, he doesn't show, so I call. He's at his mom's, working on their tractor. I just pack up and take the kids fishing myself. He gets home and I head to the house with difficult child, who's being a pain to easy child 2. Fix supper, everyone eats, I go to the ex-in-law's to pick up difficult child's medications, get home, and easy child tells me that when he went to get the welder last night, husband's mom read him the riot act about husband's dad having missing tools. Mind you, this woman has caught her grandson stealing from her shop, yet she continues to allow him to have a key to said shop, while myself and my kids are not allowed to have keys. The last time easy child was even out there was to FIX THEIR LAWNMOWER 3 months ago!!!! We go out there as little as possible because of this. Anyway, when I mentioned this to husband, he got mad at me for bringing it up, everyone got the riot act, so easy child 1 shoulnd't be offended. So, after supper, I went out to do chores, bring the ponies in from the back pasture (took an hour), and spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that easy child 2's mom is not working all summer, she has a $200k house and acreage that her mom and dad bought for her, and they're footing the bill for her to stay home this summer. Her mom and dad are worth about $3mil. They don't work. husband's parents have land probably worth $500k. They are retired with a lake home and 3 boats. And it is ME AND MY MOTHER who are looking at paying $8k for and juggling getting easy child 2 the tutoring she needs...I'm beginning to have a problem with this. PLus, my mom sees that husband needs to contribute more...says he has GOT to step up to the plate if we do this. So I think about all this and the funk gets worse. Then I come in to find husband in front of the tv. Dinner's all over the counter still, difficult child has fallen asleep in the chair with no pull-up, easy child is in bed without a shower, and lego's, that easy child was playing with when I went out, all over the living room floor. I clean up dinner, feed the dogs, pick up the toys, put stuff out for school tomorrow, and get on here to draft an email to the DevPed to ask for medications (again, see post in general). husband gets up and stomps out, is now outside working on the wiring on my truck. Just came thru a minute ago kicking the lego's in the living room...and made the funk even worse.
    And now here I am. Feeling absolutely defeated. I have a good job, but I take a $10k cut in pay to deal with difficult child. My vehicles are decent, but they are all old. I do all the mechanic work myself, or I couldn't afford to have what I do have (and I thank God daily for my friends who are real mechanics who I can call if I get stuck on anything I'm working on). My house is ancient - heck, I just got running water back in my kitchen (I've been bucketing water for 6 months...and my "fix" was to replumb the kitchen - which I did myself...) And now I am looking at paying another $8k with my mother's help, and more time out of work, to take care of easy child 2, while the rest of her family has nice homes, nice cars, and ignores her problems. I guess I'm feeling a little envious, at the same time I'm feeling angry at these people for ignoring their kid and treating me and my kids like dirt (or theives) while I am sitting her trying to figure out the logistics to pay for the help "their" kid so desperately needs. "Their" kid just needs some tutoring and they are too *&^%$ lazy to do that for her, and I would give my right leg for someone to give me a fix for "my" kid. I want to have something I don't have to fix, for once, and I don't know when that will ever happen. husband will inherit his parents' farm, but at the rate this is going, I'm not sure it will ever be anything that I will be a part of, let alone my kids. If easy child 1 has to pay to use husband's welder...well....I guess there probably won't be aby of that farm for me to leave to them. I guess maybe its just a giant pity party, I dunno.
    Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for listening. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Good Lord. Tell me again. What is it exactly that husband does to help out around the house and with the kids? I must have missed it. And you're doing all this for HIS daughter and he charges easy child 1 $20 to use a welder? I don't think so.

    I'd take the bill or whatever you have from the tutoring place and give it to husband's parents and tell them that while you and your mother are interested in helping easy child 2 that they need to pay for it. You'll get her there. But they need to cough up some money.

    Honestly, I'd have gone postal on those people a long time ago. I don't know how you do it. You are a better woman than I.

  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ok. See the Catbus post and you'll find all 46 of us to chill out with. Heck...maybe you could help in making some corners in the room.

    There is a good reason I declined to take over the family farm.:please:

    I hope tomorrow is better for you.

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You are the Warrior Mom of not only the day but of the Month!!! I am serious, you do too much. husband needs to step up. Or you need to have less on your plate. I feel like I just sit around eating Bon-Bon's and watching Soaps after reading what you do!!!
    You should complain, and be in a funk... Yes get on the CATBUS...
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How many things did you ask husband to do?

    The reason I ask is I have a friend that is constantly complaining that her husband does nothing. It turns out any time he tried to do something she told him he did it wrong and she would do it herself. So, he stopped. All of it.

    Communication. He probably has NO idea how much you actually accomplished.

    And - you are a ball of energy! I could NEVER have done all those things you mentioned and been still standing!
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh yeah, and it is VERY honorable of you to pay for the tutoring. Do not expect anything in return. Your return will be her success in life.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I didn't ask him to do much to get ready for this trip, or for this past 10 days or so, because he was doing hay for his parents, but all I did to get ready for the weekend isn't really what's eating me. I've been begging him to help more (and he does try) and to help cut back on stuff that needs to be done (that's not happening, tho). When he's doing hay for his folks, I have to pick up 100% of what gets done at home, and his folks appreciate me and my kids NADA, and it just ticks me off. Even when he's not doing hay, tho, the work split is probably 85/15, but largely I can live with that. BUT - the bearings on the camper have been needing attention for 2 summers. I am sure in 2 years that I could have given up 3 or 4 horseback rides or something to that effect and got them done (but I rode my horse proabbly 4 times all total last year...I'm making a point to do this FOR ME this year), but I can also sit here and think about 4 or 5 different times off the top of my head when I spent all day on a weekend working on one vehicle or another (not always maintenance, either, usually its truly a broken) and husband spent the first 3 or 4 hours whlie I worked sitting in front of the tv or all day working for his folks. Granted, he was working on his mom and dad's tractor last night while I was home fishing with the kids (not what I wanted to be doing, either), but while I was chasing ponies (that I want to sell and HE wants to keep and I end up taking care of (ie last night...)) to bring them up to the right pen, he was in front of the tv...kids were both asleep, difficult child 2 in the chair without a pull-up (my chair already smells like pee), and easy child 2 in bed without a shower... I do have way more energy than he does, but I don't want to spend it all working my tail off, I want to enjoy my life some, too. I truly beleive it would take me a month full time to get caught up on repairs and maintenance that we're behind on.
    He worked on the lights on my truck til 1am last night, and he stomped around the whole time...he wasn't doing it because it was the thing to do and he had time, he was doing it because I watched the kids, took care of the livestock, fixed supper, cleaned it up, put difficult child to bed, fed the dogs, and then logged on to email difficult child's doctor...he was doing it because he felt guilty if he didn't kinda thing...not cause its just what needed to be done. Make sense?
    And this thing with the tutoring for easy child 2....I know its the right thing to do, but I'll be darned if I can get my head in the right place about it, mainly because of this sort of thing and husband's folks and the rest of easy child's family. Right now, all I can see is all these people that CAN afford it and all their "stuff" that I don't/can't have cause I've spent the last 15 years trying to take care of difficult children 1 and 2, and now I'm looking at forking out another $8grand to pay for yet somebody else's kid who's own parents and grandparents can but wont. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of husband's family treating me and my kids like dirt. I'm tired of husband not doing his share, for whatever reason. I'm tired of going out of my way to make easy child 2 every bit a member of my family as my other kids while husband and the rest of his family seem to go out of their way to EXCLUDE us - just when I think husband is doing fine, he goes and pulls the "charge easy child 1 $20 to use the welder" bullSH*t....easy child 1 mowed our yard without being asked this past weekend while we were gone - I told easy child to go ask husband for money for doing it. I'm tired of working on this piece of **** house that I will probably never own, but I can't afford to have the work hired done. I like doing the mechanic work ont he vehicles, but I'm tired of HAVING to do it because I can't afford to pay someone else to. I'm tired of worrying that I will have nothing to leave my kids, and I'm tired of thinking about what I will do when husband's parents hand the farm over to him - right now, I don't think I'll be willing to move there with him. I think I will refuse to put time and money into something that I can never put my name on, and the way they treat me, that's the way it will be. That's the way, I guess, it boils down to me feeling about paying for easy child's tutoring. They don't give a rat's behind about me and my future, why shold I step up for them. And its so WRONG for me to look at it like that, but dangit, I can't escape the funk that is that...
    If any of this makes any sense at all.
    But thanks for the votes of confidence. Despite all my grumblings, I am truly grateful for having the ability to do what I do and the good friends with the knowledge to help me out when I'm over my head. The camper was a $150 repair bill. If I'd had to pay a shop to do it, it would have been a tow bill, plus $400-500, which means I couldn't afford to fix it. Hopefully some time will pass and I can at the very least get easy child 2 needs back in the perspective they need to be in...the rest of her family and what they have and what I don't have, and what they will and won't do should not be a part of deciding what I will or won't do for easy child 2. Just gotta get my mind back there again...
  8. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Good grief - Just reading your post -I had to go take a nap I was so tired on your behalf.

    I am inclined to think husband isn't going to step up to the plate anytime soon - he has no incentive to - he can see it from his view on the sofa but maybe thinks why get up, you always seem to be stepping up and standing on it anyway. LOL

    I couldn't even begin to imagine what living on a farm is like, and all of the work involved. However, I can sympathize having a husband that did very little to help around the house - comming home after a 10 hour mentally draining day at work, to find that laundry needs to be done, kids are hungry, house is a mess, needed to deal with the school one more time about youngest difficult child, and lovely husband is plopped on a sofa with remote in hand. And really, a lot of it was my fault because I was so into being super woman, taking care of and doing it all for so many years, he never felt the urge to balance out the work load - I would grumble and complain and at times yell and scream, and he put up with it for a while, go thru the motions, cause he knew, from his experience, I would eventually "step up to the plate" and get whatever it was done - he just needed to wait me out.

    Discontentment in an uneven work load, in my humble opinion, starts to eventually spill over into other aspects of a relationship. It breeds bittnerness when you start looking around at others and how easy they have it, and why is it husband can step up to "their plate" so easily and do nothing here (been there done that), and anger starts to fester.

    Honestly, you know you can't change husband, you can only change yourself. And that is the deal breaker really. He will either align himself with the change, and start to change himself, or he won't. You can write lists and post them on the fridge till the cows come home (no pun intended) and if he doesn't "get it" and run with his half of the list, you will be crossing them off as one more thing, again, you have taken care of each day.

    I don't know why a lot of us have such a fear of change, we are down on our knees with the uneven work load, or uneven relationship at home, thinking its much better, that devil we know than the one we don't. On the floor hoping, or praying, for years on end, that our better halfs will use their intuition (yeah, right) and see that its just too much for us, and reach out a hand to help us up.

    But kudo's to you for doing all that stuff just to have a weekend off. LOL

  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Shari, you call it a funk, but it sounds like you're feeling resentment. And if anyone has ever had a reason to feel that way, you definitely do.

    You are being completely taken advantage of. If you can squash it down then more power to you, but it's been my experience that when nothing changes it just rears it's head again. And it has a way of turning any positive feelings you have for those into negative ones.

    It might be time to reevaluate your priorities and your needs and decide how much you are willing to give of yourself for nothing in return. Not even a thank you. Only a 'charge easy child $20' and what more can you do for me.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow...I agree with Heather, this is more than a funk. And to a lesser degree, I understand the resentment and frustration. Useless Boy's folks have money, his mama supports him, but I don't get my child support without screaming at the county to enforce the court order. I don't get reimbursement on the insurance premiums unless I take him to small claims court. I would have cut and run a long time ago if the BS that Useless Boy dished out was compunded by everything else that you do. Sending hugs and several doses of strength to get you through another day.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You need to communicate with-husband. I agree with-everyone else, he has no incentive to do anything.
    You are a trooper. I feel your resentment.
    I'd start changing things one by one. If you don't want the ponies and he does, but doesn't do anything about them, run an ad to sell them. He will hit the ceiling but so what? Then go on to the next item. Maybe use the $ from the ponies to buy a better vehicle, plus trade in one of the other vehicles. That should get his attention.
    Gosh, you do a lot of work. Is it like that every day?
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know - I think you are a slow cycler. The last time you posted this much about all that you do, yet are greatful for your ability to do so, while husband did diddle? Was whenever you put the leak seal on the camper top. How long ago was that?

    The reason I ask is because I feel your situation. My DF's sister in law and brother have a working 25,000 acre cattle ranch and farm, and livestock shows and ponies, and school and she drives bus, and it's insane - her life is insane. She's up at 4:00 AM, they muck, they hay, they silage they groom some they water, then she comes in and starts breakfast - cleans up, and then goes out and cultivates, plows, plants, whatever - and then takes the kids to school, runs a route, comes back, cleans house, fixes lunch goes back out in the field or helps with AI or calving - and then back into town to get the kids, runs her route, does that afterschool stuff, makes dinner, cleans up and back out in the barn for grooming and getting ready for livestock shows, trailers, lighting, fuel and by the time I watched ONE day of her life - WITH 2 difficult children and 2 easy child's and a husbad that drank?

    She got my total awe. She does it all - he does the animals and fixes stuff but he's always in a bad mood. ALWAYS. And they eat supper at 9 or 10 at night - and fall asleep sometimes around midnight - then get up and do it all over again....and I think you either LIVE that life and complain so you can keep going - OR you get out and leave it all behind.

    When I mentioned getting out to her - she looked at me like I had 3 heads - and said "And do what????" I said "Relax" and she said 'I'd rather be busy and Bit58 than relax."

    And I thought to myself - HOW ODD. And then she said - I just need to let a little steam off every now and then - and then i can keep up.

    So maybe - you are just like her. You aren't in a funk , maybe you aren't resentful totally - You're just doing what you can do while you can do it and it would be nice to have some help, but since you don't now, and aren't likely to get help in the future - you do the best you can and blow a kettle lid about every 4 months or so.

    IIIIIII would tell you - LEAVE it and relax - and I bet you would look at me like I have 3 heads and say - I don't want to - it's my life - I just want___________________and whatver that is for you - YOU figure it out. THEN tell someone.

    And as far as the tutoring? I would be dipped in manure if I would pay for that kids tutoring with a Momma that lives a princess fairy tale life. YOU treat her with respect - and in kind she should treat YOU wtih a check for the tutoring - but if you do not ask - you won't get it. And if you don't get it from her - I'd call her grandparents the Warbucks.

    Sometimes you get so busy running around - you forget to just stand up for yourself for a moment.

  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Know what, Star, you're probably half right or better. This is the life I want. I like the farm and all the crud that goes with it. I don't always like all the work, but I like what it teaches the kids.
    However, that said, I have realized my limits. husband and I are still not in agreement with the number of animals we have, but we're making preogress. I have managed to sell off half our cows, now its down to the 2 ponies and the horse that seriously has not been ridden in over 2 years...he wants to keep everything (his mother's a pack rat). I want to get rid of them so I don't have to take care of them anymore. He has finally agreed to at least let me farm the ponies out - one is going to live with my neice who just had a baby - the baby will ride it when he gets bigger. The other is still looking for his "farm". That would put us to about half the livestock we had, which means less work in rotating pastures grazing, less hay we have to put up in the summer, less hay we have to feed in the winter, less animals that need vet and farrier care, and more grass available for the old horse that difficult child ACTUALLY USES, which = less feed I have to buy and pour into her toothless head.
    husband was doing better til hay season. I'd be to the point of walking if he hadn't put forth some effort, which he has, at least til hay and the in-law season started again. He folds some laundry here and there, puts dishes in the dishwasher, etc. Its not enuf, but its a start and its progress. I can deal with that from husband...its not enuf, but I can deal and work towards it getting better. But, the ungrateful in-laws pulled him away again in the midst of the big dollars for tutoring, and - now all the work at home is on me again, while their thankless behinds couldn't give a rat's patoot about what him spending every night for half the summer doing their hay does to the rest of HIS FAMILY's life, plus, their nasty "what have you done for me lately" attitude that rubs off on him.... And I'm supposed to be figuring out the logistics to get their angelic granddaughter to tutoring that me and my mom are supposed to be paying for while they sit over there and smirk about having stolen their son back. I know what they'll say when I ask them to help pay for easy child's tutoring, and it will be that they don't have the money (when, in fact, its that they dont' want to quit buying her stupid useless **** that buys her affection instead of giving her something she needs...). But I will ask.
    And presently, the fact that I work my tail off, and am generally proud of it, but wouldn't do quite so much if I didn't have to, feels a little like its being rubbed in my face because there's also the maternal family over there, sitting in their hermit crab shells, with no friends, complaining that easy child lies and sneaks and steals when they lie to me every other time I speak to them. They have no jobs, and very little commitments (remember, this is the woman who is angry because she has her step-kids EVERY weekend - but neither she nor her darling hubby are working this summer, thanks to mama, sooooo.....) and the best I can really hope for for help from these guys to get easy child 2 tutoring? Is probably that her mother will allow us the "extra time" with easy child 2 for me to take her to tutoring. And ya know, that just plain ticks me off to eat bologna and live in a rat hole to do the right thing for the kids while the rest of that crowd lives high on the hog, works for nada, and says to the kid in regards to her inability to read "If you don't get your head out of your (hind end), you'll end up being a stupid *&^% like your father". And I quote. Like that's gonna help.
    But I will ask. I intend to figure out how to transport easy child 2 myself, hand her mom the shedule, tell her I expect her to transport 70% of the time (which is how much of the time she has easy child 2 - while fully expecting her to do none of it), hand her the bill, and and ask her to pay at least half (cause after-all, she's receiving more than 50% support from us...we're not supposed to have to pay for anything except half unexpected medical...hahaha) for help (fully expecting her to deny it). If she does as I suspect, then I plan to go to both sets of grandparents, and point out to one set in particular that they can afford to let their daughter live off them for free, surely they can afford to give their granddaughter a chance at supporting herself in her future (cause Lord knows their daughter isn't gonna know how). If they refuse to pay anything, we pay a couple of months and take her to court. She also fraudulently claimed to have 2 children in her custody when she asked the court to figure child support, so surely when we bring this up to the court, plus the fact that she's voluntarily stopped working on grandma's dime AND refusing the help with tutoring, in addition to refusing to allow her to get FREE tutoring from school for 2 years, surely the court would grace us a little with a slightly reduce child support for the duration of the tutoring...
    I'm having a little hissy fit. Life isn't fair and I came to terms with that a while back, but dang...I want to just dish back what they're dishing me...to husband's family, you don't care about me and my kids, I won't care about you and yours; to the maternal family, if they can't do something for their own kid, why should I?
    But I also don't think that's the right thing to do. Know what I mean?? Its not right for easy child 2 to suffer the consequences of me wanting to act like the rest of her family is...
    PS - Plus, there is something to be said for blowing the kettle lid. :)
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I absolutely would do for easy child 2 what you're doing if I could. Yeah, they have all that stuff, but so what? easy child 2's mom sounds like a really miserable person. Aren't you glad you don't live like that?

    But doing all you do for your family and for husband and his family to treat you like they do is where I would be drawing a line in the sand. You deserve better.