Im New...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by iNEEDserenity, Nov 29, 2007.

  1. iNEEDserenity

    iNEEDserenity New Member

    Hello Everyone! I'm NEW!! i found this site while searching for info to help me, help my daughter. We've been through so much since 3yr preschool, she's now in 3rd grade. Wish I had time to give a full history, but i only have a few minutes right now to do this. I work full time, i have 2 children of my own, a fiance and a future step who's with us most weekends. my ex husband (dad to my kids) helps when he can, but can never count on him, his work comes first.
    most of all i am here because i am in desperate need of a support system of people who understand what it's like. im tired of people giving me advise that although its well meant, it just doesnt apply to my child.
    i need to know that i am not alone, and although my fiance is wonderful, supportive, understanding etc. i need more than that. im sure many of u know exactly what im talking about.
    hopefully i'll have more time this weekend to explain my current situtation with my daughter's dr and her medications. which is what eventually led me to find this site!
    i look forward getting to know everyone and making some new friends!
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Welcome! You'll find a lot of support and comfort here. Someone will come along with the standard questions. Answer them when you have time because they really do help us in helping you. The book that we always recommend is The Explosive Child. It doesn't work for everyone but it goes a long way in helping to understand your child's reasoning.

    Do try to find time for yourself. It really is necessary for your own survival. I used to stay up an extra 30 minutes at night and just read or needlepoint. I also got up 30 minutes early for some "me" time. I'd sit outside and just look at nature. It wasn't much but both of those times and simple activities were necessary for my sanity.

    Post when you have time. You'll discover we'll give you advice. Take what you need and leave the rest.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Popping in to offer my welcome as well.

    Ditto what Meowbunny said. Take some time for you. If you are not at your best, you can't possibly be taking care of your kids the best you can.

    You found a safe place to land. Lots of understanding warrior moms here.
  4. KateM

    KateM Member

    Welcome to our little corner of cyber world. Post when you get the chance. Looking forward to hearing more about you and your daughter and what brings you here.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome. You may want to answer a few questions for us so we maybe can help you better.
    1/Who was the professional who diagnosed your child and what kind of tests did he do to diagnose? When was the last evaluation?
    2/Is there a history of psychiatric disorders, neurological problems or substance abuse on the family tree on either side?
    3/On any medications?
    4/What specific behaviors concern you the most?
    5/Were there any ever speech delays or other developmental issues with your daughter? Does she make good eye contact, have good social skills, transition well, have any obsessions? How is her academics? Does she behave better at home or school or is the same?
    Others will jump in. EVERYBODY here understands you, trust me!
  6. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Welcome & yes, you have found a wonderful place. No, you are NOT alone. I know that each child & family is different, but you will find that someone (many at times) has been in your shoes & experiencing the same thing. You will get great advice & a place to let it all helps! :gingerbread:
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi iNEEDserenity

    You've found a group of parents that can relate to your struggles.

    Welcome aboard. :smile:
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome-glad you found us-you are definitely not alone!
  9. iNEEDserenity

    iNEEDserenity New Member

    I will try to answer your questions the best i can, it's been a long week and i'm very tired....

    ***1/Who was the professional who diagnosed your child and what kind of tests did he do to diagnose? When was the last evaluation?

    She's been seeing a councelor since age 5, he's the one who says she exhibits all the obvious signs of ADHD, ODD, and Anxiety. I understand that he is not qualified to officially diagnose her.
    We used the Hawthorne Test through the school and her family dr. to diagnose the ADHD. last yr

    Actually just got a couple referral's to psychiatrists. Hopefully they r open on sat's, i plan to call first thing. if closed will call mon.
    need to get the ball rolling. dont know how many more phone calls at work from the principal i can take...which then leads to the ex blaming my parenting

    ***2/Is there a history of psychiatric disorders, neurological problems or substance abuse on the family tree on either side?

    I was diagnosed with-depression, but it's been yrs since it's been an issue. no substance abuse, unless cigarettes and coffee, then im guilty. my SO same as me. her dad is a social drinker.

    Her biological father, whom she's never met, definatley has his issues but dont have any diagnosis. haven't seen him since i was 2mo pregnant. Trust me, it's for the best

    ***3/On any medications? she was until this week.
    METHYLPHENIDATE 10mg 2-3x/day
    RITALIN LA 20MG only took two days, made her pupils HUGE even after it should have been out of her system. she said her heart was beating really fast. stopped immediatly!!
    went back to METHYLPHENIDATE 10mg 2-3x/day and dr wrong Rx and then gave referral (more to story, but this isn't place to vent)

    ***4/What specific behaviors concern you the most?

    school. she's so bright, but her school work does not reflect it. she gets daily behavior notes, 1-5, five is poor, she gets 3's 4,s and 5's most everyday. she cant sit still. principal calls often, and usually for something i could never guess. like being covered in pencil lead (graphite) because she collects her broken lead and my mom had to pick her up and took 3 bath's to get clean. only one of many examples. life is an adventure, that is for sure! she lies, even if she see's that i watched her do something, she wills still try to deny that she did it.
    Also, her social skills. she doest respect others personal space, and can be "too much" for other kids to handle and they pull away.

    ***5/Were there any ever speech delays or other developmental issues with your daughter?
    not really. she did everything early (my son was the late one)

    ***Does she make good eye contact, have good social skills, transition well, have any obsessions? eye contact, she can when she wants to. social skills, she's outgoing, but can come on too strong at times.
    Obsessions, YES!! she loves anything "Gooey" and will have a break down if she she's me throw it away no matter how black with dirt and covered in animal hair it is. she collects candy wrappers, old papers, everything. she's a horder. i have to clean her room when she's had her dads because she cant let go of anything.

    ***How is her academics? Does she behave better at home or school or is the same?

    so far at school, she hasn't "fallen behind" but she just scrapping by. and she behaves better at home, but not much. she's still her, but i think since my SO and i try very hard to have rules and structure and consitancy at home.

    ***Others will jump in. EVERYBODY here understands you, trust me!

    i'm not here looking to "fix" my child(ren) I love them just as they are, but unfortunatley, society does expect us to conform to certain expectations, and it's my job as thier mom to give them the skills to be responsible adults in society someday...

    A little more about my daughter...she loves animals and wants to be a vet. she has a wonderful imagination. always thinking outside of the box. stubborn. loveable. sensitive. loves numbers and a whiz at math. loves being center of attention, stands out in a crowd, loud. thoughtful. energetic. notices the little things most of us are too busy to see.

    feel free to ask for clarification on anything, cuz i really tired and dont feel like proof reading right now. im not at work so i dont want to think too hard lol.

    thanks for the warm welcome!!
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    No, you were really clear. She sounds like a treasure, in her own way.

    When you're considering diagnosis, ask them for their opinion on Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). It is a possibility, from your description. And don't be scarfed by the label - it can actually be positive.

    She is who she is. You already know things aren't easy for her. Or for you. A label isn't going to suddenly change who she is in any way, all it can do is give you perhaps a better insight into WHY she is like she is, and what sort of help you can give her. In the meantime, it's likely that what you are already doing, based on your knowledge of her, is in the right direction. Often a diagnosis can validate you as well as give you more leverage to get support funding.

    Do get "The Explosive Child", even if she isn't all that explosive, except when you try to make her throw away anything gooey. And whenever you're dealing with her, try to get into her head, think how she is thinking, so you can find ways to handle her which will give you the result you want with as little distress as possible.

    A lot of these kids dislike being controlled by other people; the world seems such a confusing, difficult place already, they like to feel they can control or predict what is going to happen to them. I found that giving them control, where it really is no skin off my nose, works best. They learn for themselves and learn self-control, hopefully. For example, if you have an impulsive kid rushing outside while it's snowing, you can provoke a rage by calling to them, "Come back and put your coat on!"
    But if you can say, "Which coat do you want? Your red one or the blue one?" you are still giving choice. Of if tat is not an option, you can let the child go out into the snow because it's highly likely SHE will discover pretty fast that it's too cold and she wants something to get warm. If you had made it a big issue, purgatory would have to freeze over before she would admit to feeling cold. But if you didn't make a fuss, then she isn't going to lose face by coming back for her coat.

    By saying you don't want to fix your children - you seem to think like I do. I was talking to difficult child 3 this morning about his piano lesson. His music teacher asked him to learn to play a new piano piece, but he doesn't know how it sounds. His usual trick is to transpose the manuscript onto computer (using a music program we have) and then play it back - the computer plays the piece aloud as the cursor scans across the manuscript. difficult child 3 gets to listen to it AND see where in the manuscript it makes a certain sound.
    He then went to the piano to play it for himself.
    He had done this yesterday, but this morning the computer was still asleep, so difficult child 3 went straight to the piano to play, and had trouble with the piece. We simplified it a bit - not enough. He was beginning to say that maybe the piece is too hard for him, then he started up the computer and played the file again. He then went back to the piano - he did really well.
    So I was talking to him and saying, "You know, I think you just need to experience it all, spread out for you - the look of the manuscript, the sound of the music - and then play it while fresh in your head, so your hands can get the feel of it too. It's part of your autism to need to learn that way. Some people who are not autistic might have brains that learn this way too, but yours works REALLY, REALLY WELL when you give it what it wants."

    difficult child 3 has a few friends, most of whom are smart and almost all of whom are much younger. One very bright little girl - difficult child 3 asked, "Is she autistic?" and when I asked why, he said, "Because she's so smart, I thought she must be."

    Her understanding of autism is similarly distorted - she has trouble understanding that autism isn't merely extreme intelligence. She didn't understand, until the day she witnessed a meltdown and heard him swear. She was shocked. But as she is getting older, she is realising that in some areas, she is now outstripping him because she is able to think in more abstract terms than he can. Although he is making progress there, too. He wrote some poetry for his English teacher this year which she is putting in the school magazine.

    Our kids can be a real handful. They can take up an enormous amount of energy and effort. But if you don't see them as limited, you are giving them the best chance to be who they can be. I let difficult child 3 learn whatever he wants to, regardless of the level. As a result, he's learning senior organic chemistry. When we were visiting his young friend (the one I just mentioned), she wanted to know about the recall on her Bindeez toy (you have a different name for it in the US) - the one which has been manufactured with the wrong chemical, which now can turn into a nasty drug in the body. husband sat with her and explained about the chemistry involved - a 9 year old girl getting a lesson in organic chemistry. And she understood it. She's never done it before, but she wanted to know it so she could understand something important to her, so we gave it to her. She may forget it all again, but when she eventually studies it at school, it will be a little bit easier for her.

    A friend of mine, my age, is uneducated. She is physically handicapped and when she was a child at school, they thought she was "retarded" and so never bothered to teach her anything. She left school before her teens. Then, when she was older and had raised her children (she had been told to never have children!) she decided to write a book. She couldn't spell, she had no idea of punctuation, she would hit the return key or put in a full stop when she figured she had been writing for half a page or so.
    I had to help her with editing, but she has published a book and is working on another. In the process she has learnt how to use a computer; she has learnt how to use the internet, she has been completely self-taught in all this.
    Most people would consider her almost ga-ga, ready for a nursing home. However, she has accomplished far more than many people, despite being far more unlikely, to most people's minds.

    Never underestimate people in general, and your children in particular.

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Serenity.
    I love that your daughter thinks outside the box. I'm an artist and even with-o the behaviors your daughter exhibits, people think I'm strange! LOL.
    Yes, society does expect you to conform to a point. Mostly, just for safety and ease of movement in crowds, and pleasant surroundings. I don't think you have to change your daughter that much to conform. She can still be obsessed with-gooey things, but learn not to be disruptive, for ex.
    It's good that you've already had testing done. That's a big chore.
    I would suggest that somehow, you practice detaching... not take it to heart so much about your daughter.
    I'm still working on that with-my son, but it's the best thing I've ever done, both in terms of his behavior and my sanity.
    I'll second the motion for you to read The Explosive Child. It will really help you see things differently.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Welcome! Glad you found us. This is a true soft place to land for a battle weary parent.

    I think you should try to think like your daughter. Out of the box. Try to see things from her perspective. She sounds like she may have some sensory integration or possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) traits. These things do interfere with everyday life. Mostly because they know they are different than others. And you are right, society does force us to be a certain way.
  13. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    If your daughter is having behavioral or academic problems in school, I recommend that you have her evaluated by the school district to see if she is eligible for an IEP. If you'll post to the Special Education 101 forum, we can help you get that process started and also get you started learning about your's and your child's educational rights.

    Many are under the impression that IEPs are only for very profoundly affected children or for mental retardation. That's not true so don't let misinformation deter you from seeking appropriate supports and services that your child needs in school

    Theoretically, a school district evaluation is a multidisciplinary evaluation. But they are not the same as a private evaluation in the vast majority of cases. You need to strongly consider getting a private multidisciplinary evaluation or neuropsychologist evaluation performed.

    A link that might be helpful for you on ADHD (includes info on school and coexisting conditions) -

    There have been some recent discussions regarding ODD in this forum. You might want to do a site "search" for the topic.
  14. iNEEDserenity

    iNEEDserenity New Member

    i wish the school would volunteer that information, since they know my struggle with her. i will def check out that forum! :eek:)