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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 635372" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Sweet mama, talking with most difficult child's immediately sends us into the world of crazies because the conversations are not what we are used to, they are riddled with circular manipulations which are intended to get us off guard so that they can utilize our feelings for them against us. It's difficult to get that through our own heads because we don't think like that and of course,we love them and want to believe them. </p><p></p><p>The best advice I can give you is to limit your contact with him and when you do have contact, learn to recognize how these circular manipulations begin and when you feel that, get off the phone or stop texting. We have to retrain them out of believing these manipulations work by not falling for them and setting strict boundaries around the behavior. Do not respond for a time period. They are looking for instant gratification, which most of us have given them in the past, so if you stop that immediate response, they will ultimately learn to stop harassing us.</p><p></p><p>It's work like COM says, it takes time to stop the pattern we've set with them........it takes commitment and it's tough. But it can be done.</p><p></p><p>Don't look for logic, you won't find it. Don't look for owning their part in it, you won't get it. We have to let go of the usual expectations we have because they not only will not get met, the mere expectation will make <u><em>us</em></u> crazy. Don't look for gratitude for what you did either, what you will likely get is <em>how come you didn't do more</em>. </p><p></p><p>You and I are in worlds that are alien to us, we don't know how to live in these worlds, nor what the rules are and that keeps us at a constant disadvantage. So, you have to learn to limit your contact and as someone once told me, "don't engage with crazy people, or you too will become crazy." Since I grew up with a lot of mental illness in my family and have been surrounded by it for much of my life, I considered that sound advice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 635372, member: 13542"] Sweet mama, talking with most difficult child's immediately sends us into the world of crazies because the conversations are not what we are used to, they are riddled with circular manipulations which are intended to get us off guard so that they can utilize our feelings for them against us. It's difficult to get that through our own heads because we don't think like that and of course,we love them and want to believe them. The best advice I can give you is to limit your contact with him and when you do have contact, learn to recognize how these circular manipulations begin and when you feel that, get off the phone or stop texting. We have to retrain them out of believing these manipulations work by not falling for them and setting strict boundaries around the behavior. Do not respond for a time period. They are looking for instant gratification, which most of us have given them in the past, so if you stop that immediate response, they will ultimately learn to stop harassing us. It's work like COM says, it takes time to stop the pattern we've set with them........it takes commitment and it's tough. But it can be done. Don't look for logic, you won't find it. Don't look for owning their part in it, you won't get it. We have to let go of the usual expectations we have because they not only will not get met, the mere expectation will make [U][I]us[/I][/U] crazy. Don't look for gratitude for what you did either, what you will likely get is [I]how come you didn't do more[/I]. You and I are in worlds that are alien to us, we don't know how to live in these worlds, nor what the rules are and that keeps us at a constant disadvantage. So, you have to learn to limit your contact and as someone once told me, "don't engage with crazy people, or you too will become crazy." Since I grew up with a lot of mental illness in my family and have been surrounded by it for much of my life, I considered that sound advice. [/QUOTE]
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