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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664874" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>"...these feelings are part of and honor our lives."</p><p></p><p>I agree. Yes. But thinking about it brought so many questions, Copa.</p><p></p><p>"...and honor our lives." I am still in that place where I am overwhelmed by it sometimes. Not like it was when we began, but...I am still in a place where I feel betrayed, or really foolish. I don't see how, unless I had been a stronger person, I could have behaved differently and still seen them. </p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>I began this response last night. I am really so angry about all of this, this morning. Yesterday, I felt guilty and responsible. This morning, I am very angry at my mother for what she has done.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing all the ways everything was so mixed up and hurtful. </p><p></p><p>I am confused around this issue, Copa. </p><p></p><p>To honor our lives....</p><p></p><p>What did you mean, Copa? How do you see that? I conclude that ours (mine) has been an ugly story. In so many ways it has. It comforts me to just admit that true thing. It takes the shame away, when I see it that way. You are right. To honor our lives, to honor ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this is something that will come for me, in time.</p><p></p><p>I will be thinking about that very much, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is different, Copa. </p><p></p><p>My mother would speak from a mother's position of authority and presumed good will. The things she said undermined my sister's emotional integrity and her cleanliness, her soundness, to her husband.</p><p></p><p>And that was my mom's purpose. Her children were her victims. Husbands interfere. I am feeling badly again about all these bad things I post about my own mother, this morning. </p><p></p><p>Ours is an ugly story.</p><p></p><p>Not understanding what is happening to<em> us</em>, knowing there are unresolved traumas and determined to be stronger both for ourselves and for the sakes of our so troubled kids, we are here to share our stories, to learn from one another, and to heal. Anything goes for me, here. I post shaming, broken things and every time, bar none, you both have been here for me and we got through it. If you needed to post a diagnosis, or if any of us did, we would be coming from a place of integrity. </p><p></p><p>Anyway Copa, you have not diagnosed your sister in clinical terms to my knowledge. </p><p></p><p>Even if you do or if you had? Even if that was part of what you needed to do to heal? None of us knows who she is.</p><p></p><p>So, that would be okay, then.</p><p></p><p>No harm done; the exchange the potential to heal.</p><p></p><p>The only way our families or origin could be hurt by what we have done here is if they stumble onto it and recognize either us or themselves. I hope that never happens. We don't want to hurt anyone, Copa. We get it that if we were stronger, that if we were operating from intact centers, we would be stronger women, stronger mothers, <em>and our kids are in trouble. We would be remiss in not trying everything we know to help them and ourselves.</em></p><p> </p><p>So I think we are clean, on that one. I am embarrassed, feel I am betraying shaming, secret things, too.</p><p></p><p>But the site is anonymous.</p><p></p><p>And I am getting better.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, that's the position of pseudo mom I think, Copa. Not mom, but better than no mom when real mom has been having at you. And then, you are resented because you aren't mom, and because they had to come to you again when real mom was killing mean. I didn't realize about trust or reciprocity until we started posting, here. I always excused and believed, and believed in my sister in the same way I always excused and believed in my kids.</p><p></p><p>I wish I'd been stronger, sooner.</p><p></p><p>For my kids. For my sister, I don't know what I could do differently. I hate it when she cries. After a time? The only thing I remember is that she was crying.</p><p></p><p>Like in that last phone call.</p><p></p><p>I am pretty much only remembering that I said mean things, and that she was crying, and had gone silent, and that I hung up.</p><p></p><p>It's difficult to keep all that in perspective.</p><p></p><p>I feel terrible that I did that. It had to be done. Something had to be done. And the terrible things I said that made her cry were true. They are excluding. There was a pact. Her behavior is inappropriate and I will not stand for it.</p><p></p><p>Okay.</p><p></p><p>I'm better, this morning.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa. It was good to review that. I am always forgetting to stay on my own side about why I do what I do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664874, member: 17461"] "...these feelings are part of and honor our lives." I agree. Yes. But thinking about it brought so many questions, Copa. "...and honor our lives." I am still in that place where I am overwhelmed by it sometimes. Not like it was when we began, but...I am still in a place where I feel betrayed, or really foolish. I don't see how, unless I had been a stronger person, I could have behaved differently and still seen them. roar I began this response last night. I am really so angry about all of this, this morning. Yesterday, I felt guilty and responsible. This morning, I am very angry at my mother for what she has done. I am seeing all the ways everything was so mixed up and hurtful. I am confused around this issue, Copa. To honor our lives.... What did you mean, Copa? How do you see that? I conclude that ours (mine) has been an ugly story. In so many ways it has. It comforts me to just admit that true thing. It takes the shame away, when I see it that way. You are right. To honor our lives, to honor ourselves. Maybe this is something that will come for me, in time. I will be thinking about that very much, Copa. It is different, Copa. My mother would speak from a mother's position of authority and presumed good will. The things she said undermined my sister's emotional integrity and her cleanliness, her soundness, to her husband. And that was my mom's purpose. Her children were her victims. Husbands interfere. I am feeling badly again about all these bad things I post about my own mother, this morning. Ours is an ugly story. Not understanding what is happening to[I] us[/I], knowing there are unresolved traumas and determined to be stronger both for ourselves and for the sakes of our so troubled kids, we are here to share our stories, to learn from one another, and to heal. Anything goes for me, here. I post shaming, broken things and every time, bar none, you both have been here for me and we got through it. If you needed to post a diagnosis, or if any of us did, we would be coming from a place of integrity. Anyway Copa, you have not diagnosed your sister in clinical terms to my knowledge. Even if you do or if you had? Even if that was part of what you needed to do to heal? None of us knows who she is. So, that would be okay, then. No harm done; the exchange the potential to heal. The only way our families or origin could be hurt by what we have done here is if they stumble onto it and recognize either us or themselves. I hope that never happens. We don't want to hurt anyone, Copa. We get it that if we were stronger, that if we were operating from intact centers, we would be stronger women, stronger mothers, [I]and our kids are in trouble. We would be remiss in not trying everything we know to help them and ourselves.[/I] So I think we are clean, on that one. I am embarrassed, feel I am betraying shaming, secret things, too. But the site is anonymous. And I am getting better. Well, that's the position of pseudo mom I think, Copa. Not mom, but better than no mom when real mom has been having at you. And then, you are resented because you aren't mom, and because they had to come to you again when real mom was killing mean. I didn't realize about trust or reciprocity until we started posting, here. I always excused and believed, and believed in my sister in the same way I always excused and believed in my kids. I wish I'd been stronger, sooner. For my kids. For my sister, I don't know what I could do differently. I hate it when she cries. After a time? The only thing I remember is that she was crying. Like in that last phone call. I am pretty much only remembering that I said mean things, and that she was crying, and had gone silent, and that I hung up. It's difficult to keep all that in perspective. I feel terrible that I did that. It had to be done. Something had to be done. And the terrible things I said that made her cry were true. They are excluding. There was a pact. Her behavior is inappropriate and I will not stand for it. Okay. I'm better, this morning. :O) Thank you, Copa. It was good to review that. I am always forgetting to stay on my own side about why I do what I do. [/QUOTE]
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