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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664878" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That's courage. We humans are amazing creatures.</p><p></p><p>But this does not bode well for me, Copabanana. This loving and hating and puzzling things out and etc is not good for the digestion.</p><p></p><p>So I will have a cigarette.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know, Copa. It is so hurtful a thing to know. That's why I posted this part, twice. Some things are just hurtful things. All we can do is sit with them, then.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>She actually is very mean, my sister. And like it always is with us, I knew, and I didn't know. There is so much that is unbelievable unless we can see, unless we really do get it, that what they feel for us is hatred; and was never love, at all.</p><p></p><p>I am forever forgetting that true thing.</p><p></p><p>But here is the other true thing: I cannot possibly love her in the way sisters love, either. My love for her is all twisted, too. It has to be. That is why I hate it when she cries. Seriously. It has a feel of trauma to it. That sick feeling at the pit of the stomach. I remember someone posting to me once that my kids would willfully traumatize me to weaken and confuse me so I would do what they wanted them to.</p><p></p><p>Copa, do you remember when your son exploded about something in your own past when you first began to stand up to him and would not back away from it?</p><p></p><p>Like that.</p><p></p><p>And of course my mom must do that all the time. Just as I never once suspected that my kids were doing the things they were intentionally doing until it was pointed out to me, I need to remember my sister (and my mom) do that, too. I had just posted about the time she drew her arm back, a though to strike me. They must watch and assess us, our abusive family members, to keep us where they want us emotionally. </p><p></p><p>Afraid; that is where they want us. Not independent of them, but always filtering the air, our attention on them and their emotional states ~ just as it was when we were little, and so completely in thrall to them.</p><p></p><p>And we are here, learning about our reactions and where they come from and how to be strong. How to be invulnerable. And the answer is in that Monty Python clip.</p><p></p><p>"We already got one. Oh, yes. It's very nice. Now, go away; <em>or I will taunt you a second time."</em></p><p></p><p>That's the answer. For me, it is. To see them, and myself, for who each of us is, and for the roles we played that were never real things, but have been hurt into us to further the aims of the abuser(s).</p><p></p><p>You know? I am going to change my avatar to Monty's Frenchman or something similar.</p><p></p><p>"Now, go away. Or I will taunt you a second time."</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa. I needed to find solid ground around these issues, again.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664878, member: 17461"] That's courage. We humans are amazing creatures. But this does not bode well for me, Copabanana. This loving and hating and puzzling things out and etc is not good for the digestion. So I will have a cigarette. :O) I know, Copa. It is so hurtful a thing to know. That's why I posted this part, twice. Some things are just hurtful things. All we can do is sit with them, then. Ouch. She actually is very mean, my sister. And like it always is with us, I knew, and I didn't know. There is so much that is unbelievable unless we can see, unless we really do get it, that what they feel for us is hatred; and was never love, at all. I am forever forgetting that true thing. But here is the other true thing: I cannot possibly love her in the way sisters love, either. My love for her is all twisted, too. It has to be. That is why I hate it when she cries. Seriously. It has a feel of trauma to it. That sick feeling at the pit of the stomach. I remember someone posting to me once that my kids would willfully traumatize me to weaken and confuse me so I would do what they wanted them to. Copa, do you remember when your son exploded about something in your own past when you first began to stand up to him and would not back away from it? Like that. And of course my mom must do that all the time. Just as I never once suspected that my kids were doing the things they were intentionally doing until it was pointed out to me, I need to remember my sister (and my mom) do that, too. I had just posted about the time she drew her arm back, a though to strike me. They must watch and assess us, our abusive family members, to keep us where they want us emotionally. Afraid; that is where they want us. Not independent of them, but always filtering the air, our attention on them and their emotional states ~ just as it was when we were little, and so completely in thrall to them. And we are here, learning about our reactions and where they come from and how to be strong. How to be invulnerable. And the answer is in that Monty Python clip. "We already got one. Oh, yes. It's very nice. Now, go away; [I]or I will taunt you a second time."[/I] That's the answer. For me, it is. To see them, and myself, for who each of us is, and for the roles we played that were never real things, but have been hurt into us to further the aims of the abuser(s). You know? I am going to change my avatar to Monty's Frenchman or something similar. "Now, go away. Or I will taunt you a second time." Thank you, Copa. I needed to find solid ground around these issues, again. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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