Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664906" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>About 8 years ago, I had gone back to work. This was after I returned from Brazil. It was brave of me to return to my work.</p><p></p><p>And there were a group of colleagues, bantering back and forth. Each of them (except me, of course) feeling like they were experts in all things. And this one horrible old man. Maybe 15 years older. A weasel if there ever was one. Said, "Copa has no boundaries at all." And everybody laughed that nervous kind of laugh when a boundary has been crossed. And I stood there. Whether I smiled or not I do not remember.</p><p></p><p>But I did not defend myself. For a couple of reasons. First, I believed that the comment reflected on the man, not on me.</p><p></p><p>However, it did reflect on me, too. Because he had labeled me in front of others as not enough. As missing something. As defective. He had attacked me publicly.</p><p></p><p>And the truth of it, is I did not know what he meant. What would it be, to not have boundaries, in this context?</p><p></p><p>I can be funny. Like Mel Brooks and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) Ceasar funny. Dead pan. Sometimes a nervous energy funny. Not with M. He has a very, very specific sense of humor. On his terms. It does not involve banter and dissolving of boundaries.</p><p></p><p>So along with understanding and attending to my self, I need to think about what it means to have boundaries. Because over and over again I seem to be transgressed.</p><p></p><p>See, this is the thing. There is nothing wrong with us. I do not think so. <em>Except that we blame ourselves for others attacking us.</em> There is nothing more at all wrong.</p><p></p><p>Maybe in my case, it was naive and stupid to think I could tolerate working in prisons. But maybe I chose just this thing to come to know and master sadism and victimization. Maybe I had a plan. That I did not know at the time.</p><p>Yes, we did. But what were our choices, Cedar? It was a choice between bad, all bad options. Because each one involved the need for trust. We had no trust. No reason to trust anybody. But to go forward and to heal we had to choose among bad options...because each required the trusting of somebody....when we knew we could not.</p><p>I am ambivalent about this. I do not think we seek out betrayal. We seek out relationship. And we seek out relationships that fit us and trigger our past. What I have called the lock and key. We look for the fit. We are not seeking betrayal. We seek mastery. We seek control.</p><p></p><p>There used to be (and maybe still is) a working theory, a branch of modern psychoanalysis with that name. Control-Mastery. The idea that we seek to have control where there was none. There is the urge to master those traumas of the past. We do so in our contemporary relationships. That is not the same thing as saying we seek out betrayal or hurt. We seek to have control in situations where in the past we were hurt and betrayed. In order to find mastery.</p><p>I am unclear here. Cedar, you had no part in it. None. None of it. There must be a stand taken here. Thee is no culpability here. Start from that place.</p><p></p><p>With my therapist. I did think at the beginning. He could be weak like my father. There had been nothing that that man had showed me at that point to believe this. My thought only came from the desire to be better. For control and mastery over my past.</p><p></p><p>That man betrayed me because he was a bad man masquerading as a good one. It was not my fault. Nor was any of it yours.</p><p>The initial trauma, was just that. Terror. Isolation. Confusion. Etc.</p><p>The psychological response to the trauma can be PTSD type stuff or the cognitive distortions that turn responsibility to ourselves. My fault. It was something about me. Wanting to hurt my mother. Wanting to compete with her. Etc. All of this comes afterwards, to make sense of the situation so that the child can continue to live. In the house. Where she is being abused and traumatized.</p><p></p><p>I do not see one twisted part in us, that led us to be attacked initially.</p><p>My whole adult life I have been described as an innocent. As somebody that evoked care in others by my vulnerability. For my sensitivity. How is this bad? Would I give this up in order to not appeal to predators? No.</p><p></p><p>Because the positive side of this is that other people trust me. Trust that I am present. Open. Permeable. They can get to my heart. And feel it.This is you, Cedar. How is that bad? What is your crime, Cedar? Really?</p><p></p><p>We we the victims, Cedar. We do not deserve blame. We are heroes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664906, member: 18958"] About 8 years ago, I had gone back to work. This was after I returned from Brazil. It was brave of me to return to my work. And there were a group of colleagues, bantering back and forth. Each of them (except me, of course) feeling like they were experts in all things. And this one horrible old man. Maybe 15 years older. A weasel if there ever was one. Said, "Copa has no boundaries at all." And everybody laughed that nervous kind of laugh when a boundary has been crossed. And I stood there. Whether I smiled or not I do not remember. But I did not defend myself. For a couple of reasons. First, I believed that the comment reflected on the man, not on me. However, it did reflect on me, too. Because he had labeled me in front of others as not enough. As missing something. As defective. He had attacked me publicly. And the truth of it, is I did not know what he meant. What would it be, to not have boundaries, in this context? I can be funny. Like Mel Brooks and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) Ceasar funny. Dead pan. Sometimes a nervous energy funny. Not with M. He has a very, very specific sense of humor. On his terms. It does not involve banter and dissolving of boundaries. So along with understanding and attending to my self, I need to think about what it means to have boundaries. Because over and over again I seem to be transgressed. See, this is the thing. There is nothing wrong with us. I do not think so. [I]Except that we blame ourselves for others attacking us.[/I] There is nothing more at all wrong. Maybe in my case, it was naive and stupid to think I could tolerate working in prisons. But maybe I chose just this thing to come to know and master sadism and victimization. Maybe I had a plan. That I did not know at the time. Yes, we did. But what were our choices, Cedar? It was a choice between bad, all bad options. Because each one involved the need for trust. We had no trust. No reason to trust anybody. But to go forward and to heal we had to choose among bad options...because each required the trusting of somebody....when we knew we could not. I am ambivalent about this. I do not think we seek out betrayal. We seek out relationship. And we seek out relationships that fit us and trigger our past. What I have called the lock and key. We look for the fit. We are not seeking betrayal. We seek mastery. We seek control. There used to be (and maybe still is) a working theory, a branch of modern psychoanalysis with that name. Control-Mastery. The idea that we seek to have control where there was none. There is the urge to master those traumas of the past. We do so in our contemporary relationships. That is not the same thing as saying we seek out betrayal or hurt. We seek to have control in situations where in the past we were hurt and betrayed. In order to find mastery. I am unclear here. Cedar, you had no part in it. None. None of it. There must be a stand taken here. Thee is no culpability here. Start from that place. With my therapist. I did think at the beginning. He could be weak like my father. There had been nothing that that man had showed me at that point to believe this. My thought only came from the desire to be better. For control and mastery over my past. That man betrayed me because he was a bad man masquerading as a good one. It was not my fault. Nor was any of it yours. The initial trauma, was just that. Terror. Isolation. Confusion. Etc. The psychological response to the trauma can be PTSD type stuff or the cognitive distortions that turn responsibility to ourselves. My fault. It was something about me. Wanting to hurt my mother. Wanting to compete with her. Etc. All of this comes afterwards, to make sense of the situation so that the child can continue to live. In the house. Where she is being abused and traumatized. I do not see one twisted part in us, that led us to be attacked initially. My whole adult life I have been described as an innocent. As somebody that evoked care in others by my vulnerability. For my sensitivity. How is this bad? Would I give this up in order to not appeal to predators? No. Because the positive side of this is that other people trust me. Trust that I am present. Open. Permeable. They can get to my heart. And feel it.This is you, Cedar. How is that bad? What is your crime, Cedar? Really? We we the victims, Cedar. We do not deserve blame. We are heroes. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
Top