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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 664968" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I want to address my own lack of community feelings toward my Jewish roots. It is sad, but I have no connection that is really in my heart. See...</p><p></p><p>The Jewish Holiays were days of terror at our house. I would be nervous for a week in advance of any holiday, especially Yom Yippor, the highest holy day when you are to fast to atone for your sins.</p><p></p><p>What happened on the holidays?</p><p></p><p>The fights that my parents had every Sunday morning were scary to me. The ones they had on the holidays were 10X the hate, screaming and passion. I don't remember much more than raging by both. I am not even 100% sure what they raged about. My memory is that of a kid and a teen who tuned it out when I got older. I remember that both of my parents felt the other ones family did not celebrate the right way and were yanking us kids to do it his/her way. I remember some details.</p><p></p><p>My father was tarred and feathered for driving on the holidays because his temple was far away. It was where his family went. But then he would say my mother's family was not religious enough even though we walked to the only temple that existed in our suburb and it was Orthodox or Traditional.</p><p></p><p>The level of tension and hatred and screaming would always be at abuse/violence levels.</p><p></p><p>My father could not go without eating. It made him crabby. Or maybe it was more because perhaps he wasn't smoking. Back then I think he still smoked. Either way, Yom Kippor was the day all three of us feared the most.</p><p></p><p>We had no fun Channukah parties or family get togethers to make us enjoy being Jewish and none of us are, although both of our parents were Jewish on both sides of t heir families. So something went wrong there. None of us had any traditons to look forward to continuing; just horrible memories.</p><p></p><p>Now, regarding myself, I also had the memory of being a Jewish kid in a Jewish neighborhood, overwhelmingly so, and being teased, ridiculed and abused badly for eight of my school years by the other Jewish kids. I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, dressed right, cool enough, I was underdeveloped, I was dorky looking...you name it. The few friends I made were usually the other outcasts...non-Jews. They seemed much nicer and less materialistic to me. So I shunned Jews and swore I would find another spiritual path when I got older. And on a very real level, Judaism didn't have enough religion in it to me. Not enough to believe in. More tradition than talk of a God,, whom I now think of as my HIgher Power. I needed and wanted more and, as hard as I studied my own personal defects so I could change, I studied various spiritual belefs and found my way. In the path, I crossed Christianity too and, although I thought there was more in it than Judaism, I sadly could never totally believe the story about Christ, which made me unable to be a Christian in my heart. I did try hard. I have nothing, nothing, nothing but good thoughts about those who DO believe. I'm a little jealous, in fact. But that isn't the path wehre I ended.</p><p></p><p>I am very certain of my own spiritual beliefs. They are unshakable. I feel they have been proven to me. A good part of my beliefs can be found in Buddhism, but it is more than that. But I love Buddhist wisdom and do feel connected to those who want to find their highest truth. That I can relate to.</p><p></p><p>But this is about me and my lack of ties to my ethnicity. I do think of Jewish as both ethnic and religious. I am neither. If one did not know my parents were Jewish, one would never mistake me for somebody who started out that way. I have lived amongst non-Jews since age 20 and have lost any ethnic stereotypes (good and bad) far behind me.</p><p></p><p>It is kind of another sad consequence of having had a horrible childhood on all levels. I wiped my childhood out of my adult life and being Jewish was part of it and it was not pleasant to be Jewish if you lived in our home. It was kind of scary.</p><p></p><p>More ramblings about my childhood because I feel a vent bubbling up...(leave now if you are already bored...lol)</p><p></p><p>I don't have any positive childhood memories beyond the odd play I was in or the vacations in Michigan. The few good parts do not really involve my family members. Any fun times are postponed until my teen years, but even my teen years were very dotted with deep depressions, mixed states (which are manic and depression condensed into one) and trying to stay a virgin while everyone was trying not to. And not taking drugs or drinking while everyone else did. I just wanted to be good.</p><p></p><p>I thought not getting into serious trouble symbolized "good."</p><p></p><p>I also thought that not getting into trouble when I knew I had depression was probably smart.</p><p></p><p>It was smart. I was so underdeveloped in so many ways, yet so overdeveloped in other ways. Just like the non-verbal learning disorder's huge descrpency between verbal and performance level skills.</p><p></p><p>Back to my feelings on my lack of community toward Jewishness:</p><p></p><p>If somebody were to ask me if I were Jewish (and it's been decades since anyone has) my answer would be this: "My parents were both Jewish, but I'm not."</p><p></p><p>Jewish people believe if your mother is Jewish you are Jewish regardless and it's fine if they believe that way.</p><p></p><p>But I don't define myself by what others think anymore. And in the instance of my Jewishness...I knew I was not Jewish very early in my identity search. I knew it every time my parents screamed each holiday and the kids told me I wasn't good enough. Who were they to tell me that?</p><p></p><p>I did ask my father about our family connection to the Holocaust. I was told, there was none. By the time Hitler had spawned his evil, my Dad was twelve years old and in America. I don't know why I ever thought my grandparents had fled Russia because of Hitler, but that was also not true. They just came here.</p><p></p><p>So this short post turned into a novel, as usual.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 664968, member: 1550"] I want to address my own lack of community feelings toward my Jewish roots. It is sad, but I have no connection that is really in my heart. See... The Jewish Holiays were days of terror at our house. I would be nervous for a week in advance of any holiday, especially Yom Yippor, the highest holy day when you are to fast to atone for your sins. What happened on the holidays? The fights that my parents had every Sunday morning were scary to me. The ones they had on the holidays were 10X the hate, screaming and passion. I don't remember much more than raging by both. I am not even 100% sure what they raged about. My memory is that of a kid and a teen who tuned it out when I got older. I remember that both of my parents felt the other ones family did not celebrate the right way and were yanking us kids to do it his/her way. I remember some details. My father was tarred and feathered for driving on the holidays because his temple was far away. It was where his family went. But then he would say my mother's family was not religious enough even though we walked to the only temple that existed in our suburb and it was Orthodox or Traditional. The level of tension and hatred and screaming would always be at abuse/violence levels. My father could not go without eating. It made him crabby. Or maybe it was more because perhaps he wasn't smoking. Back then I think he still smoked. Either way, Yom Kippor was the day all three of us feared the most. We had no fun Channukah parties or family get togethers to make us enjoy being Jewish and none of us are, although both of our parents were Jewish on both sides of t heir families. So something went wrong there. None of us had any traditons to look forward to continuing; just horrible memories. Now, regarding myself, I also had the memory of being a Jewish kid in a Jewish neighborhood, overwhelmingly so, and being teased, ridiculed and abused badly for eight of my school years by the other Jewish kids. I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, dressed right, cool enough, I was underdeveloped, I was dorky looking...you name it. The few friends I made were usually the other outcasts...non-Jews. They seemed much nicer and less materialistic to me. So I shunned Jews and swore I would find another spiritual path when I got older. And on a very real level, Judaism didn't have enough religion in it to me. Not enough to believe in. More tradition than talk of a God,, whom I now think of as my HIgher Power. I needed and wanted more and, as hard as I studied my own personal defects so I could change, I studied various spiritual belefs and found my way. In the path, I crossed Christianity too and, although I thought there was more in it than Judaism, I sadly could never totally believe the story about Christ, which made me unable to be a Christian in my heart. I did try hard. I have nothing, nothing, nothing but good thoughts about those who DO believe. I'm a little jealous, in fact. But that isn't the path wehre I ended. I am very certain of my own spiritual beliefs. They are unshakable. I feel they have been proven to me. A good part of my beliefs can be found in Buddhism, but it is more than that. But I love Buddhist wisdom and do feel connected to those who want to find their highest truth. That I can relate to. But this is about me and my lack of ties to my ethnicity. I do think of Jewish as both ethnic and religious. I am neither. If one did not know my parents were Jewish, one would never mistake me for somebody who started out that way. I have lived amongst non-Jews since age 20 and have lost any ethnic stereotypes (good and bad) far behind me. It is kind of another sad consequence of having had a horrible childhood on all levels. I wiped my childhood out of my adult life and being Jewish was part of it and it was not pleasant to be Jewish if you lived in our home. It was kind of scary. More ramblings about my childhood because I feel a vent bubbling up...(leave now if you are already bored...lol) I don't have any positive childhood memories beyond the odd play I was in or the vacations in Michigan. The few good parts do not really involve my family members. Any fun times are postponed until my teen years, but even my teen years were very dotted with deep depressions, mixed states (which are manic and depression condensed into one) and trying to stay a virgin while everyone was trying not to. And not taking drugs or drinking while everyone else did. I just wanted to be good. I thought not getting into serious trouble symbolized "good." I also thought that not getting into trouble when I knew I had depression was probably smart. It was smart. I was so underdeveloped in so many ways, yet so overdeveloped in other ways. Just like the non-verbal learning disorder's huge descrpency between verbal and performance level skills. Back to my feelings on my lack of community toward Jewishness: If somebody were to ask me if I were Jewish (and it's been decades since anyone has) my answer would be this: "My parents were both Jewish, but I'm not." Jewish people believe if your mother is Jewish you are Jewish regardless and it's fine if they believe that way. But I don't define myself by what others think anymore. And in the instance of my Jewishness...I knew I was not Jewish very early in my identity search. I knew it every time my parents screamed each holiday and the kids told me I wasn't good enough. Who were they to tell me that? I did ask my father about our family connection to the Holocaust. I was told, there was none. By the time Hitler had spawned his evil, my Dad was twelve years old and in America. I don't know why I ever thought my grandparents had fled Russia because of Hitler, but that was also not true. They just came here. So this short post turned into a novel, as usual. [/QUOTE]
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