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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665193" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>D H tells me that when my mother is gone what I will feel is relief; as though a weight has been lifted. It was shocking to me the first time he told me that. As D H has learned more about ~ as I have learned more about what happened to me, and as I have been able to know words to describe it, D H has come to feel a deep disgust for my mother especially. For my sister, he tells me she does not matter but that I will be vulnerable to her, and that I should guard against those feelings of protectiveness because that is how she will get in.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking this morning that I do not need to know. Which of them dies, when either dies, if I should die, first.</p><p></p><p>None of them needs to know. I do not need to know.</p><p></p><p>They were never who I believed them to be.</p><p></p><p>Now I just need to figure out who I believe myself to be, and why I miss them.</p><p></p><p>How strange is that. To this day, I miss them. The difference now is that the hope is that I will never see them again.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why there were never any people, in my envisionment of that family dinner I am always posting about.</p><p></p><p>I do think we know what is true.</p><p></p><p>It's a question of breaking through denial; and to do that ~ to break through denial ~ we need to stop betraying ourselves.</p><p></p><p>So...why would I hope for and believe in something I know, somewhere in my heart, I know, is a lie?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665193, member: 17461"] D H tells me that when my mother is gone what I will feel is relief; as though a weight has been lifted. It was shocking to me the first time he told me that. As D H has learned more about ~ as I have learned more about what happened to me, and as I have been able to know words to describe it, D H has come to feel a deep disgust for my mother especially. For my sister, he tells me she does not matter but that I will be vulnerable to her, and that I should guard against those feelings of protectiveness because that is how she will get in. I am thinking this morning that I do not need to know. Which of them dies, when either dies, if I should die, first. None of them needs to know. I do not need to know. They were never who I believed them to be. Now I just need to figure out who I believe myself to be, and why I miss them. How strange is that. To this day, I miss them. The difference now is that the hope is that I will never see them again. Maybe that is why there were never any people, in my envisionment of that family dinner I am always posting about. I do think we know what is true. It's a question of breaking through denial; and to do that ~ to break through denial ~ we need to stop betraying ourselves. So...why would I hope for and believe in something I know, somewhere in my heart, I know, is a lie? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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