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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665479" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>As the mother, yes. As the daughter, no.</p><p>No. It is a reality. Each person has the right to decide for themselves. Not for the other. That goes for each. To leave. To stay. To abuse. Or not. Everybody gets one vote. Their own.</p><p>That is how I beat myself up.</p><p></p><p>We are not them. Our families were not like theirs.</p><p></p><p>When M has a neutral expression I think he is mad at me. I get scared. For the last year or so he has begun sticking his tongue out at me when I look at him. I have never asked him why, but I find it immeasurably reassuring. I can relax and know he is not mad.</p><p></p><p>What in the world is wrong with me that I think that neutral expression might mean angry? And so what? I had done nothing. Nothing at all to warrant his being mean or mad--at me. This must be an internal state of mine. My default. To be afraid that I am inspiring anger, for what I do not know.</p><p></p><p>You Cedar, thinking I had a beef with you when I did not. SWOT thinking she is not smart...any time there is an opening.</p><p></p><p>That is why we cannot be D H or M. We are off kilter. Remember yesterday I said I thought that our worldview as children is woven like a vine throughout our psyches?</p><p>See Below.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Dear Daughter, too?</p><p>Yes. I see this.</p><p></p><p>I am still hung up. Because in the case of an estranged child, we have the parent and the kid. Each of them needing the other. To begin coming together there needs to be at least neutrality. Not acid. Not base. Neutrality. If each one keeps restating what has already been said, how is that not perpetuating a war?</p><p></p><p>My son called 10 days or so ago. He stated this: I am going to the hospital today for blood work (this was a white flag.)</p><p></p><p>He needs me. He wants a relationship. He may or may not have gotten his blood work but he wants me.</p><p></p><p>I know that. I can choose to say: I need proof or I doubt you will go or why did you not go 2 weeks ago, or it is all too painful for me or whatever.</p><p></p><p>I did not. It was not because I have any self control or any sense.</p><p></p><p>But it was the right thing to not say anything that would challenge or trigger him. Because I want him. That is why, Cedar, you and husband dealt with Dear Daughter's visit as you did, I think.</p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665479, member: 18958"] As the mother, yes. As the daughter, no. No. It is a reality. Each person has the right to decide for themselves. Not for the other. That goes for each. To leave. To stay. To abuse. Or not. Everybody gets one vote. Their own. That is how I beat myself up. We are not them. Our families were not like theirs. When M has a neutral expression I think he is mad at me. I get scared. For the last year or so he has begun sticking his tongue out at me when I look at him. I have never asked him why, but I find it immeasurably reassuring. I can relax and know he is not mad. What in the world is wrong with me that I think that neutral expression might mean angry? And so what? I had done nothing. Nothing at all to warrant his being mean or mad--at me. This must be an internal state of mine. My default. To be afraid that I am inspiring anger, for what I do not know. You Cedar, thinking I had a beef with you when I did not. SWOT thinking she is not smart...any time there is an opening. That is why we cannot be D H or M. We are off kilter. Remember yesterday I said I thought that our worldview as children is woven like a vine throughout our psyches? See Below. Yes. Dear Daughter, too? Yes. I see this. I am still hung up. Because in the case of an estranged child, we have the parent and the kid. Each of them needing the other. To begin coming together there needs to be at least neutrality. Not acid. Not base. Neutrality. If each one keeps restating what has already been said, how is that not perpetuating a war? My son called 10 days or so ago. He stated this: I am going to the hospital today for blood work (this was a white flag.) He needs me. He wants a relationship. He may or may not have gotten his blood work but he wants me. I know that. I can choose to say: I need proof or I doubt you will go or why did you not go 2 weeks ago, or it is all too painful for me or whatever. I did not. It was not because I have any self control or any sense. But it was the right thing to not say anything that would challenge or trigger him. Because I want him. That is why, Cedar, you and husband dealt with Dear Daughter's visit as you did, I think. . [/QUOTE]
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