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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 665481" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You've got me thinking.</p><p></p><p>What is one's responsibility to somebody who is a danger to us, emotionally or physically or even, say, legally (like using the police to make us behave). I guess, my responsibility feels like unless it is a medical emergency that I can help, because I am a DNA relation, I really am best having no responsibility. Not a card (I did that last year, but they didn't reciprocate), not a Happy Birthday (I got into trouble posting a funny post on FB...sister thought there was something wrong with the post. To this day, 'm not sure what was wrong with it. I did include a private joke, but it was no big deal). Honestly, nobody would have caught it but her.</p><p></p><p>And that's why I abdicate all emotional responsibility. First of all, it is not reciprocated. Secondly, the two of us are so different in every way that we don't think the same way at all. So she may be offended when I don't mean something to be offensive. My mother was kind of like this too, but that was because she was always needing to think the worst of me. How dare I do any good deed! I had an ulterior motive!</p><p></p><p>I guess it's hard for me to feel responsible for anybody who thinks about me that way. I think we are better apart, emotionally and physically and even on holidays. We can not even be courteous to one another because perhaps I am thought of as so low that a card is possibly seem as a manipulation of some sort.</p><p></p><p>So, Cedar, are you saying we need to have these relationships, even if they are this way? I don't mind if you think so. This is not an interrogation <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> I am just curious.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I feel less passionate about DNA than most people. Ok, she gave birth to me. I know that. But what does that really mean when she never loved me? What did I owe her when she took every single thing I did and made it a bad thing? I did try. While she was alive, I was still trying to solve every ill between us because of my spiritual beliefs. I realize now that not everything is meant to be rectified in this lifetime. (Nonsense to you, I know, but it motivated a lot of my trying). </p><p></p><p>Now I feel even less passionate about the people who shared the same womb as me. I loved my brother to death when I was little. He was my best and only friend and we shared a lot. But that was more because he was there and I was there, being ostracized at school (both of us), than that we had similar DNA and similar personalities. WE did have things in common, interests in common...politics and sports mainly. But when he moved so far away and we basically lost touch as I went through my divorce and my life changed, we no longer kept up. </p><p></p><p>The other womb sharer was so different from me. We had a goofy sense of humor in common...nothing else. She once mentioned to me, when we were texting the very last time, that we had nothing in common. I asked her what she liked to do because we honestly never did talk about our interests and I wasn't sure what she enjoyed. She said she liked to garden and cook (all people with eating disorders like to cook), she was interested in fashion...forgot if there was anything else. I know my passions are pets, sports (especially the Packers), writing, reading, politics, she has no pets and would be bored just hanging around the house with family...</p><p></p><p>If you took the DNA connection part out of it we would never have had a thing to talk about as nothing bores me more than talking about cooking (as well as cooking), gardening, and fashion. And she is not the least bit interested in writing, sports, politics or hanging out at home. </p><p></p><p>She is probably like your mothers, Copa and Cedar, beautiful for her age and always dressed nicely with make up applied and hair done, even if the money isn't there. You both saw me. I am down home and simple and if I look ok it is an accident, not because I try. If I don't look good, I don't really care. I'm no fashion plate. </p><p></p><p>With the recognition that we are two totally different people who shared the same womb, and we don't even really like one another or think well about tone another's personality traits, do we owe each other something? I would rather she be absolved of owing me anything at all except to leave me in peace. And I am thinking perhaps that is what she may want too. And that's good because it is all I have left to give to either of them.</p><p>I don't mean this in a nasty way either. I'm spent. I'm done.</p><p></p><p>If my mother were still alive, as my father is, would I feel responsible to her in any way because I was in her womb?</p><p></p><p>With the way she always treated me and with her never being there for me and, worse, not even wanting to know my children, I do not feel I would owe her anything. We had a DNA connection and I'm sure that by now I'd have quit trying to make it ok and we would have been silent for a few decades. And of course I knew m siblings would take care of her. I don't think I could have had the heart to have been there in a meaningful way because there was no love from her when I screamed for it. And as I grow older, I find I no longer wish I'd had it with such fierceness. </p><p></p><p>I think each of us has to decide what we are responsible for regardingtpeople whwo share our DNA. Sometimes it is nothing and that is best. Other times it is a holiday visit once a year. Sometimes it's no contact at all. Other times it's contact with boundaries a few times a years.</p><p></p><p>I do feel it is different with our children whom, as mothers, we love and would like to nurture. Some adult children allow it. If we have a child who does not allow it, we can still love but can't act on it. That is sad. I know this. I am sorry for every mother with a hurting heart.</p><p></p><p>There is no rule book for what responsibility we have, if any, to other people. For me, I feel responsible only for those who are kind to me. This is a new way of thinking, but it works for me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 665481, member: 1550"] You've got me thinking. What is one's responsibility to somebody who is a danger to us, emotionally or physically or even, say, legally (like using the police to make us behave). I guess, my responsibility feels like unless it is a medical emergency that I can help, because I am a DNA relation, I really am best having no responsibility. Not a card (I did that last year, but they didn't reciprocate), not a Happy Birthday (I got into trouble posting a funny post on FB...sister thought there was something wrong with the post. To this day, 'm not sure what was wrong with it. I did include a private joke, but it was no big deal). Honestly, nobody would have caught it but her. And that's why I abdicate all emotional responsibility. First of all, it is not reciprocated. Secondly, the two of us are so different in every way that we don't think the same way at all. So she may be offended when I don't mean something to be offensive. My mother was kind of like this too, but that was because she was always needing to think the worst of me. How dare I do any good deed! I had an ulterior motive! I guess it's hard for me to feel responsible for anybody who thinks about me that way. I think we are better apart, emotionally and physically and even on holidays. We can not even be courteous to one another because perhaps I am thought of as so low that a card is possibly seem as a manipulation of some sort. So, Cedar, are you saying we need to have these relationships, even if they are this way? I don't mind if you think so. This is not an interrogation ;) I am just curious. Maybe I feel less passionate about DNA than most people. Ok, she gave birth to me. I know that. But what does that really mean when she never loved me? What did I owe her when she took every single thing I did and made it a bad thing? I did try. While she was alive, I was still trying to solve every ill between us because of my spiritual beliefs. I realize now that not everything is meant to be rectified in this lifetime. (Nonsense to you, I know, but it motivated a lot of my trying). Now I feel even less passionate about the people who shared the same womb as me. I loved my brother to death when I was little. He was my best and only friend and we shared a lot. But that was more because he was there and I was there, being ostracized at school (both of us), than that we had similar DNA and similar personalities. WE did have things in common, interests in common...politics and sports mainly. But when he moved so far away and we basically lost touch as I went through my divorce and my life changed, we no longer kept up. The other womb sharer was so different from me. We had a goofy sense of humor in common...nothing else. She once mentioned to me, when we were texting the very last time, that we had nothing in common. I asked her what she liked to do because we honestly never did talk about our interests and I wasn't sure what she enjoyed. She said she liked to garden and cook (all people with eating disorders like to cook), she was interested in fashion...forgot if there was anything else. I know my passions are pets, sports (especially the Packers), writing, reading, politics, she has no pets and would be bored just hanging around the house with family... If you took the DNA connection part out of it we would never have had a thing to talk about as nothing bores me more than talking about cooking (as well as cooking), gardening, and fashion. And she is not the least bit interested in writing, sports, politics or hanging out at home. She is probably like your mothers, Copa and Cedar, beautiful for her age and always dressed nicely with make up applied and hair done, even if the money isn't there. You both saw me. I am down home and simple and if I look ok it is an accident, not because I try. If I don't look good, I don't really care. I'm no fashion plate. With the recognition that we are two totally different people who shared the same womb, and we don't even really like one another or think well about tone another's personality traits, do we owe each other something? I would rather she be absolved of owing me anything at all except to leave me in peace. And I am thinking perhaps that is what she may want too. And that's good because it is all I have left to give to either of them. I don't mean this in a nasty way either. I'm spent. I'm done. If my mother were still alive, as my father is, would I feel responsible to her in any way because I was in her womb? With the way she always treated me and with her never being there for me and, worse, not even wanting to know my children, I do not feel I would owe her anything. We had a DNA connection and I'm sure that by now I'd have quit trying to make it ok and we would have been silent for a few decades. And of course I knew m siblings would take care of her. I don't think I could have had the heart to have been there in a meaningful way because there was no love from her when I screamed for it. And as I grow older, I find I no longer wish I'd had it with such fierceness. I think each of us has to decide what we are responsible for regardingtpeople whwo share our DNA. Sometimes it is nothing and that is best. Other times it is a holiday visit once a year. Sometimes it's no contact at all. Other times it's contact with boundaries a few times a years. I do feel it is different with our children whom, as mothers, we love and would like to nurture. Some adult children allow it. If we have a child who does not allow it, we can still love but can't act on it. That is sad. I know this. I am sorry for every mother with a hurting heart. There is no rule book for what responsibility we have, if any, to other people. For me, I feel responsible only for those who are kind to me. This is a new way of thinking, but it works for me. [/QUOTE]
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