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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665505" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh, yes. She gets so mad at us, too. I really believe now that what the kids need is to believe they can do this, can live their lives well. <em>I was taught, not that good and bad things happen to all of us, but that bad things would happen because I deserved nothing; that every good thing was a mistake and would come to its end. </em>It has been a rough few years for all of us. We have been there, have listened and tried really hard to speak words that will strengthen. This has been exactly right, I think Copa. Daughter has been able to mother her kids, to pull her family back together. We are not the place good things can happen from: She is. </p><p></p><p>She is doing impossible things.</p><p></p><p>We are not the good place son can come home to.</p><p></p><p>He is.</p><p></p><p>She still has so many problems with pain medications. She is coping, beating it, coming through it. We are so proud of that in her, Copa and Serenity. She tells me more than she tells D H. Where she has been in that history of addiction is horrendous. Fooling around with illicit stuff to begin with and then, addicted to prescription pain medications <em>which can be withdrawn at the physician's whim; at the nurse's whim.</em> It's a terrible trap to be in.</p><p></p><p>And she is doing it, and it's scary to see what happens when what there is isn't enough and there is nothing to do but get through it.</p><p></p><p>And she is doing it.</p><p></p><p>Wow.</p><p></p><p>We were all coping with that process during her visit <em>and we did it. Gently, kindly, outraged or so filled with compassion. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We did it.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Son is coming around. I think he is not talking to me again, but I know that he will. </p><p></p><p>Both kids would have been here, living here, if we had not said: You can do this. I don't know how either, but I know that you will. I believe in you.</p><p></p><p>That is the response I couldn't make when I didn't believe in me. That certainty my mom hurt into me was all I knew. And I knew I didn't want to do that to my kids. Ever. What I didn't know is what I ~ is how to respond, when things go wrong, when I cannot trace back to how well it is going and take faith that I will handle this, too. That is what threw me when things were not going well for us. I was so sure I had done something wrong and that if I could just find it, I could address it. I could never believe that good things and bad things happen to all of us and that, unless we can see where we went wrong pretty easily, we didn't go wrong. Sifting through the past isn't going to help us, today.</p><p></p><p>I was raised to believe I did not deserve.</p><p></p><p>That is why I believed I had sneaked a self, sneaked a beautiful life, sneaked those beautiful kids. That is how I could believe it was right for me to lose them.</p><p></p><p>Just like I've been condemned and found wanting (one more time) by my betraying family of origin. That is the shame in it. That of course this would happen. (Looks like you weren't such a good mother after all, were you.)</p><p></p><p>So yes Copa, dear, dear daughter, too.</p><p></p><p>We were always strong enough, centered enough; enough. Good and bad things happen to us all. It is okay to make a mistake, to go a wrong way. It is okay to change our minds, change our paths. Nothing makes us losers; we just are. All of our lives, here we are.</p><p></p><p>Good enough mom.</p><p></p><p>I don't even have words to describe the freedom from guilt, the freedom to choose love, to be with through the good and the bad that is going to come to all of us instead of to be responsible for those things that aren't perfect.</p><p></p><p>To have my family or origin see us as they do feels like filth to me, today. </p><p></p><p>Pray for their peace; therein, find our own.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665505, member: 17461"] Oh, yes. She gets so mad at us, too. I really believe now that what the kids need is to believe they can do this, can live their lives well. [I]I was taught, not that good and bad things happen to all of us, but that bad things would happen because I deserved nothing; that every good thing was a mistake and would come to its end. [/I]It has been a rough few years for all of us. We have been there, have listened and tried really hard to speak words that will strengthen. This has been exactly right, I think Copa. Daughter has been able to mother her kids, to pull her family back together. We are not the place good things can happen from: She is. She is doing impossible things. We are not the good place son can come home to. He is. She still has so many problems with pain medications. She is coping, beating it, coming through it. We are so proud of that in her, Copa and Serenity. She tells me more than she tells D H. Where she has been in that history of addiction is horrendous. Fooling around with illicit stuff to begin with and then, addicted to prescription pain medications [I]which can be withdrawn at the physician's whim; at the nurse's whim.[/I] It's a terrible trap to be in. And she is doing it, and it's scary to see what happens when what there is isn't enough and there is nothing to do but get through it. And she is doing it. Wow. We were all coping with that process during her visit [I]and we did it. Gently, kindly, outraged or so filled with compassion. We did it. [/I] Son is coming around. I think he is not talking to me again, but I know that he will. Both kids would have been here, living here, if we had not said: You can do this. I don't know how either, but I know that you will. I believe in you. That is the response I couldn't make when I didn't believe in me. That certainty my mom hurt into me was all I knew. And I knew I didn't want to do that to my kids. Ever. What I didn't know is what I ~ is how to respond, when things go wrong, when I cannot trace back to how well it is going and take faith that I will handle this, too. That is what threw me when things were not going well for us. I was so sure I had done something wrong and that if I could just find it, I could address it. I could never believe that good things and bad things happen to all of us and that, unless we can see where we went wrong pretty easily, we didn't go wrong. Sifting through the past isn't going to help us, today. I was raised to believe I did not deserve. That is why I believed I had sneaked a self, sneaked a beautiful life, sneaked those beautiful kids. That is how I could believe it was right for me to lose them. Just like I've been condemned and found wanting (one more time) by my betraying family of origin. That is the shame in it. That of course this would happen. (Looks like you weren't such a good mother after all, were you.) So yes Copa, dear, dear daughter, too. We were always strong enough, centered enough; enough. Good and bad things happen to us all. It is okay to make a mistake, to go a wrong way. It is okay to change our minds, change our paths. Nothing makes us losers; we just are. All of our lives, here we are. Good enough mom. I don't even have words to describe the freedom from guilt, the freedom to choose love, to be with through the good and the bad that is going to come to all of us instead of to be responsible for those things that aren't perfect. To have my family or origin see us as they do feels like filth to me, today. Pray for their peace; therein, find our own. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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