Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665511" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this is the accusation I felt when my son started falling apart.</p><p>Yes, me too. And when my son came to as if accuse me that I deserved nothing from him, either, not his respect, or love or the reflected pride of being a good mother...I railed against this. How could I deserve nothing at all? Even what I had had with him? And the rage that I could not show to my mother, I hurled at him.</p><p></p><p>We had no basis of trust in anything. Not in others or in ourselves. Because even if we had accrued a track record of success, of agency, of responsibility...on the deepest level it was a mirage, built on the quicksand of doubt, fear and the sense we were not entitled. And it could all be taken away. And with our kids, it was.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how we come to begin to live lives from secure and sound footings. Especially as late in life as I am. I can only assume that it comes from the choice to do so. The permission by circumstances, and then the choice. As we do with our children:</p><p></p><p></p><p>With me, I did not search for my wrong...I did not need to...I knew already that anything I had or was could be taken from me <em>and would be</em>. </p><p>It was that wrong against me that I protested with my son. Because I too was raised this way:</p><p>So, any unhappiness or failure to thrive on the part of my son became the accusation that I did not deserve anything:</p><p></p><p>And what that is is both a failure of trust and a failure of faith. </p><p></p><p>Our inner worlds had been built upon defiance of a culture of poverty. There was nothing there, except that which could be covertly secreted, like that cookie I took in the house of my friend. Only our wits, whatever entry could be secured by prettiness or brightness or vitality. Street Arabs, are what the urchins in late 19th century were called. </p><p></p><p>There was not the confidence that there would be plenty. Or even more. Punishment was meted haphazardly without rhyme or reason. </p><p></p><p>And I had defied this culture of poverty, to achieve a life that I had built.</p><p></p><p>And when my son began to suffer, to turn against me, as if to accuse me, that I did not deserve him, after all, I could not hold faith that what we had together, a family, love, trust, could be, would be sustained.</p><p></p><p>And I became furious. Hysterical. Because this could not be so. It could not be. </p><p></p><p>So, I proceeded to dismantle by my own hands, the family, love and trust between us. If I had had faith, I could have withstood it. But I did not.</p><p></p><p>So, what we are creating here...is a way to transform doubt, fear, poverty of spirit into faith...trust...and the deep confidence that whatever happens...we can handle it and so can our children. A Jimmy Carter spirit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665511, member: 18958"] I think this is the accusation I felt when my son started falling apart. Yes, me too. And when my son came to as if accuse me that I deserved nothing from him, either, not his respect, or love or the reflected pride of being a good mother...I railed against this. How could I deserve nothing at all? Even what I had had with him? And the rage that I could not show to my mother, I hurled at him. We had no basis of trust in anything. Not in others or in ourselves. Because even if we had accrued a track record of success, of agency, of responsibility...on the deepest level it was a mirage, built on the quicksand of doubt, fear and the sense we were not entitled. And it could all be taken away. And with our kids, it was. I do not know how we come to begin to live lives from secure and sound footings. Especially as late in life as I am. I can only assume that it comes from the choice to do so. The permission by circumstances, and then the choice. As we do with our children: With me, I did not search for my wrong...I did not need to...I knew already that anything I had or was could be taken from me [I]and would be[/I]. It was that wrong against me that I protested with my son. Because I too was raised this way: So, any unhappiness or failure to thrive on the part of my son became the accusation that I did not deserve anything: And what that is is both a failure of trust and a failure of faith. Our inner worlds had been built upon defiance of a culture of poverty. There was nothing there, except that which could be covertly secreted, like that cookie I took in the house of my friend. Only our wits, whatever entry could be secured by prettiness or brightness or vitality. Street Arabs, are what the urchins in late 19th century were called. There was not the confidence that there would be plenty. Or even more. Punishment was meted haphazardly without rhyme or reason. And I had defied this culture of poverty, to achieve a life that I had built. And when my son began to suffer, to turn against me, as if to accuse me, that I did not deserve him, after all, I could not hold faith that what we had together, a family, love, trust, could be, would be sustained. And I became furious. Hysterical. Because this could not be so. It could not be. So, I proceeded to dismantle by my own hands, the family, love and trust between us. If I had had faith, I could have withstood it. But I did not. So, what we are creating here...is a way to transform doubt, fear, poverty of spirit into faith...trust...and the deep confidence that whatever happens...we can handle it and so can our children. A Jimmy Carter spirit. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
Top