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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666312" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>In this sense, even though my mother almost a year before her death was already impaired mentally, she "knew" me to be her little worker and put me in that place.</p><p>I am thinking about the exchange with Modesta in this way. I just got in the way of whatever family drama she is playing out in her life. </p><p>Yes. Chilling. And that is what Modesta tried to make me. I chose to accept instead of sitting with the dissonance. In that moment I bought into "thingness" instead of who I am, because I have been trained to obey the call (when I am vulnerable.)</p><p>Yes. </p><p>I am thinking too of my mother in the board and care. She became that person and she would not stop until she was out of there. I was terrified.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Because Monster Mother makes the rules of the family. "France is me and I am France." (Or something like that.)</p><p>Yes. Like when my mother stole my inheritance. She could have called. She chose what she chose.</p><p></p><p>As a consequence, I could not accept her world for me.</p><p>I think my role was I believed in love and responsibility. </p><p></p><p>That must be why I was stunned by Modesta.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I reacted so rapidly to Modesta.I do not know how I can define such an intense shame and powerlessness quickly enough to stop myself.</p><p></p><p>It is interesting too, to see my son's phone calls in this light. Because I know they are coming. Because I have now a mental map of what they will be and can be...It is premeditated. Therefore, I can sit with my feelings, and let him be without inserting myself into a space I have ceded to him. Yielded. </p><p></p><p>That is why I must be so exhausted after the calls. </p><p>There is no space to be me. </p><p></p><p>The difference is that he is my son. I love him. The difference is that while he can be mean, it is not primary in him. He must do it to me when he feels engulfed.</p><p></p><p>The difference is that he too is trying to carve out an autonomous space in life away from his Mother.</p><p></p><p>There was one more "the difference" but I forgot it.</p><p></p><p>Extremely clear and lovely elucidation, detailing and restatement of where we have been and where we are going.</p><p></p><p>I am having here this question: What I call the lock and key is what you describe as being called into our role...and responding with "fog" or cognitive dissonance. Our reactions become automatic. When we are unlocked by the key of somebody else's beckoning to us. Which we remember unconsciously and begin to function from an automatic place.</p><p></p><p>I am recalling those movies where the hero has been hypnotized (nowadays there is a chip or sometimes) to be triggered by specific words...in circumstances he does not know or anticipate... to begin to execute an action about which he is unaware...indeed unconscious of...to which he does not give consent...nor feel responsible for.</p><p></p><p>I believe this is the insidiousness of my reaction to my son...as he became hostile and demeaning to me.</p><p></p><p>I believe this is what happened to me with Modesta.</p><p></p><p>The question I have is this: I am prepared now with my son...How could I have been prepared to see it with her?</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666312, member: 18958"] Yes. Yes. In this sense, even though my mother almost a year before her death was already impaired mentally, she "knew" me to be her little worker and put me in that place. I am thinking about the exchange with Modesta in this way. I just got in the way of whatever family drama she is playing out in her life. Yes. Chilling. And that is what Modesta tried to make me. I chose to accept instead of sitting with the dissonance. In that moment I bought into "thingness" instead of who I am, because I have been trained to obey the call (when I am vulnerable.) Yes. I am thinking too of my mother in the board and care. She became that person and she would not stop until she was out of there. I was terrified. Yes. Because Monster Mother makes the rules of the family. "France is me and I am France." (Or something like that.) Yes. Like when my mother stole my inheritance. She could have called. She chose what she chose. As a consequence, I could not accept her world for me. I think my role was I believed in love and responsibility. That must be why I was stunned by Modesta. Yes. I reacted so rapidly to Modesta.I do not know how I can define such an intense shame and powerlessness quickly enough to stop myself. It is interesting too, to see my son's phone calls in this light. Because I know they are coming. Because I have now a mental map of what they will be and can be...It is premeditated. Therefore, I can sit with my feelings, and let him be without inserting myself into a space I have ceded to him. Yielded. That is why I must be so exhausted after the calls. There is no space to be me. The difference is that he is my son. I love him. The difference is that while he can be mean, it is not primary in him. He must do it to me when he feels engulfed. The difference is that he too is trying to carve out an autonomous space in life away from his Mother. There was one more "the difference" but I forgot it. Extremely clear and lovely elucidation, detailing and restatement of where we have been and where we are going. I am having here this question: What I call the lock and key is what you describe as being called into our role...and responding with "fog" or cognitive dissonance. Our reactions become automatic. When we are unlocked by the key of somebody else's beckoning to us. Which we remember unconsciously and begin to function from an automatic place. I am recalling those movies where the hero has been hypnotized (nowadays there is a chip or sometimes) to be triggered by specific words...in circumstances he does not know or anticipate... to begin to execute an action about which he is unaware...indeed unconscious of...to which he does not give consent...nor feel responsible for. I believe this is the insidiousness of my reaction to my son...as he became hostile and demeaning to me. I believe this is what happened to me with Modesta. The question I have is this: I am prepared now with my son...How could I have been prepared to see it with her? Thank you, Cedar. COPA [/QUOTE]
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