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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666970" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>"Cold to the core." Five years ago M and I met a Latino Christian man. A friend of a friend. He works at a HS as a coach and draws young men ostensibly to help them mature as men of faith.</p><p></p><p>You know I am not a Christian. </p><p></p><p>Against M's better judgment I asked this man to spend some time with my son, using the pretext that he would drive my son home from work. </p><p></p><p>It was a long shot, because my son cannot abide blind faith. He mocks it. (Except when it comes to his conspiracy theories.) </p><p></p><p>The assessment of my son, by this man? There is nothing inside him. He is cold to the core.</p><p></p><p>Wonderful.</p><p></p><p>In his last phone call, my son said to me: "I love you very much." I know he does. I hear it in his voice. I feel it.</p><p></p><p>He wanted also to come to see us one more time before the calamity arrives that he expects in September. I suggested an alternative plan.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what I am looking to find in this post but I will try.</p><p></p><p>I believe that I have changed because I am listening to my son.</p><p>I believe all of the horrible time he needed me and loved me.</p><p></p><p>I do not know where I was that whole time. I got lost.</p><p></p><p>My son needed me. He did not need that man. He was looking for me and waiting for me the whole time.</p><p></p><p>This is not to say that he was ready or would have accepted me.</p><p></p><p>I think he needed first to stand on his own feet. Alone. He has. In a manner of speaking.</p><p></p><p>I will end here. I will try to post today about my father. I have an appointment tomorrow with the Dermatologist. My father died of malignant melanoma and every few years I get my skin checked.</p><p></p><p>I woke up this morning disquieted with my father on my mind. Degraded. Dissolute. Down the drain. Dead. I do not know if I speak of him or myself. I will return later.</p><p></p><p>I also want to say here that I woke with a dream where I was hopeful that one of several incipient male friendships would develop to something more. </p><p></p><p>I was trying to make my way through a rocky beach area, I think it was. The man of interest, helped me part of the way. There were dogs. And another younger man or boy. (Were these two my father and brother?)</p><p></p><p>Then M gave me a big wet kiss to say goodbye and I woke up. I felt guilty I was entertaining other men in my sleep. But oh so happy to remember that my man was there.</p><p></p><p>This post has a series of beginnings. I do not yet know where I need or want to go from any one of them. So they are more and statement of intent, rather than purpose. The purpose is yet to reveal itself.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666970, member: 18958"] "Cold to the core." Five years ago M and I met a Latino Christian man. A friend of a friend. He works at a HS as a coach and draws young men ostensibly to help them mature as men of faith. You know I am not a Christian. Against M's better judgment I asked this man to spend some time with my son, using the pretext that he would drive my son home from work. It was a long shot, because my son cannot abide blind faith. He mocks it. (Except when it comes to his conspiracy theories.) The assessment of my son, by this man? There is nothing inside him. He is cold to the core. Wonderful. In his last phone call, my son said to me: "I love you very much." I know he does. I hear it in his voice. I feel it. He wanted also to come to see us one more time before the calamity arrives that he expects in September. I suggested an alternative plan. I do not know what I am looking to find in this post but I will try. I believe that I have changed because I am listening to my son. I believe all of the horrible time he needed me and loved me. I do not know where I was that whole time. I got lost. My son needed me. He did not need that man. He was looking for me and waiting for me the whole time. This is not to say that he was ready or would have accepted me. I think he needed first to stand on his own feet. Alone. He has. In a manner of speaking. I will end here. I will try to post today about my father. I have an appointment tomorrow with the Dermatologist. My father died of malignant melanoma and every few years I get my skin checked. I woke up this morning disquieted with my father on my mind. Degraded. Dissolute. Down the drain. Dead. I do not know if I speak of him or myself. I will return later. I also want to say here that I woke with a dream where I was hopeful that one of several incipient male friendships would develop to something more. I was trying to make my way through a rocky beach area, I think it was. The man of interest, helped me part of the way. There were dogs. And another younger man or boy. (Were these two my father and brother?) Then M gave me a big wet kiss to say goodbye and I woke up. I felt guilty I was entertaining other men in my sleep. But oh so happy to remember that my man was there. This post has a series of beginnings. I do not yet know where I need or want to go from any one of them. So they are more and statement of intent, rather than purpose. The purpose is yet to reveal itself. Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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