In huge slump, feels like life is just too hard

[DammitJanet]

I need help here in my virtual world because my in real life world is sadly letting me down.

I would have to say that moving away from our trailer into this little rental house has been mostly a good thing for Tony and I. Probably more good for Tony since he doesnt have to be in contact with the boys unless he so chooses to do so. I even managed to "forget to renew" our cell phones which meant we went without a phone for over a month. Didnt bother me a bit! Bothered everyone else though so for Mother's Day everyone pitched in and got me Magic Jack...lol. At least they can call me at the house. I preferred my solitude....or maybe I would have preferred to have a phone they knew nothing about!

But anyway, about what I am posting about today. The main problem that we have noticed since we moved over here is that the floor in this house is a cement slab with the very thinnest, cheapest vinyl over it. It kills my feet, legs, knees and back. I have tried never taking off my shoes until ready for bed. I have tried always going barefoot in the hopes I will adapt. I have acquired some carpet tiles to place under my feet in places I tend to be sitting. I sit on a bar stool to cook or wash dishes.

Nothing Is Helping!!!!! Also remember I am taking enough pain medication so I should be able to tap dance to Gene Kelly's Singing In The Rain. With enough medications, I might even see him next to me!

My problem is I am becoming less and less able to do ANYTHING! Most of you know how I have devoted my life to my oldest granddaughter. She never had to say boo but what I didnt try to make anything come true for her. Heck I entered a lottery and won tickets for us to go to the White House Easter Egg hunt 5 years ago now I think. I was taking Monkey to gymnastics but with the way my legs and knees have been hurting so badly in the last two and a half months, I simply didnt feel capable of continuing especially when all I felt I was getting when I went to pick her up was complaint on that end. Wasnt worth it to me to torture myself. I probably would have tried harder if they had been more involved.

But we think this floor has damaged my knees and lower legs. I finally got an appointment to go back to see my ortho who seemed to have somewhat of an attitude with me today. I have been going to this man since either 2002 or 2003. He scoped both of my knees...one in 04 and the other in 05. I have done so many rounds of this "magic rooster comb gel called Supartz or Synvisc - depending on who the manufacturer is, I started them back in 04 immediately after the first scope and then probably every 6 to 8 months thereafter for awhile. After about 3 years of less success time and them wanting me to come in and do the series of shots closer together, I started only going in maybe once a year to do it. I would go in and get a steroid shot in my knees and my back twice a year. THis has gone on for what...10 years now? Its time to do something different!

I am actually having pain in my bone between my knee and my ankle. Its a burning, searing, grabbing pain. This doctor, or actually his PA, just sorta scoffed my concerns off and said all the pain I am having places on my leg are muscles. Ummm. Ok.

I asked if this might not be time to discuss replacement. No, not now. Okay, I told him about my complete lack of life - and at this point I was bawling - I told him I dont go anywhere that doesnt have one of those little handicapped carts. I told him I got stuck in the grocery over the weekend because I thought I would be okay to go to the back of the store to just grab milk but my knee gave out and I couldnt put weight on it. I explained how I cant do anything with my grandkids anymore. How I had to watch my grandkids do easter from my window. I need a scooter. He didnt even answer me!

Heck, he is one of only 2 actual MD's I go to and I have to have a document filled out for verification of my disability to get a property tax deduction. He tried to say to me "well according to your record you are disabled because of bipolar. You should probably take this to your psychiatrist!" I told him "I dont know why bipolar is listed there as primary but its not. My physical issues are my primary disabilities. My bipolar wouldnt be near as complicated if I wasnt in so much pain!" He made me leave that form at his office and hopefully they will get it back to me. I need it by monday.

I dont know what to do.
WARNING ON WHAT I SAY NEXT>>>>>> I WONT>>>>>I PROMISE

You have no idea how often in the past two months I have counted pills and figured out just how many it would take to end it all. The one thing keeping me going was this doctor visit today. Now I dont know what to hang onto. I will probably hang on to the fact that I am summer care for Monkey this year. She needs me.

Im just so incredibly down and dont know what to do. Tony thinks we should find someone GOOD who will do the gastric bypass surgery on me. His sister in law just had it done less than a year ago and she has done fantastic. We havent seen her yet but all the info we have heard is wonderful. She lives in SC and I live in NC so Tony is going to see if she can ask her doctor for some good docs...maybe 3 in the Southeast NC area.

However before I do even that, I have to stop smoking. I have to stop smoking to consider any surgery or else I will go absolutely nuts tied to a bed. My family would have to sneak me in a Evap cig....lol

 

[BusynMember]

Janet...my friend just had bypass. She looks like a model. I'm not kidding. I had no idea she was as beautiful as she is. She tells me how great she feels. She lost a hundred pounds and is being very diligent about her after-surgery diet.

My husband quit smoking after five tries by chewing that quit smoking gum. Nothing else worked. The people he works with (he is the mechanic at the city's cab company) all stand outside his bay and smoke like fish and made it hard for him to quit. But he did it with the gum.

Just a suggestion.

I'm sorry you are feeling badly. *Hugs!*

 

[donna723]

Janet, my daughter, my sister in law, and my niece have all smoked for years and all three have quit completely using the e-cigarettes. My daughter and my niece still use it to replace the nicotine but my sister in law stopped completely and it wasn't all that hard for any of them. And they've saved a humongous amount of money!

 

[everywoman]

Janet, I am so sorry you are not doing well. Gastric by-pass may bring you the relief you need. I know that just the 10 lbs I've gained in the past year has put a strain on my knees. I am going to work this summer to get them off---as soon as I get this cast off my foot and heal from shoulder surgery scheduled for June 27th. I don't think the knee replacement would be much of a benefit if you keep the weight on you.

 

[everywoman]

As far as smoking, I've had success with the vapor....for about 2 months---now, I am back to smoking some, but not like I used to---so that's a plus.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im gonna try getting the e cig and looking for a good weight loss surgeon...preferably not in my town because I really dont trust this place. But then again I dont trust the larger town to my north either. I dont know. I think doing the smoking, weight then knees is the way to go. I dont know. Im just really bummed right now. Of course this is when Cory attempts to get to me. It isnt working though. He actually tried to convince me to cosign for a scooter for him...lmao. Not happening. I dont feel like arguing though. I told him to give me the people's number and I would talk with them and tell them what my credit score is and most likely they wouldnt even want to use me. I will instead tell them to just fake it if he wants to push the issue.

 

[in a daze]

So sorry.

Hard to lose weight when you can't expend calories by increasing your activity. So frustrating for you.

Are you considering lap band or gastric bypass?

 

[DammitJanet]

Not sure Daze...havent talked to any docs yet.

 

[1905]

I think you may be surprised that you could possibly have the gastric bypass operation even though you smoke. I know people who have had long surgeries and they smoked. Also, did you ever watch the show "My 600 Pound Life"? I know that's not you, but those people had serious health issues and had the surgery. Make appointments with doctors in your area and other areas, just meet them and ask them questions, interview them, you may find a good one you like, who is ok that you smoke.

Another note, I work in the same class as a woman who is very large and cannot walk, she also smokes and can't get the knee surgery. I don't know the particulars on why, but I can guess. She never walks but has this chair with wheels that she scoots around on with her feet. It's an oversized chair with a large bottom vinyl seat and it looks like an office chair. She never gets out of it, except to go to the bathroom. It looks comfy. What if you got something like that? You wouldn't have to put pressure on your feet yet you could still move around. This woman is too proud to get a motorized wheelchair and she walks into the building holding onto a cane type thing that turns into a chair, sort of like a directors chair bottom part thing. She parks in front in a handicapped spot, rests for 10 minutes in the office, rests another 10 minutes in the computer lab, and another in the teacher's lounge before she gets to class. You could get something like that for if you go somewhere, ya know?

 

[Rabbit]

Sending hugs and I will keep u in our prayers

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you are so miserable. First question, what shoes do you have and how old are they? You MUST MUST MUST invest in GOOD shoes. New ones every 3 mos or so if you walk much at all. You may be surprised at the difference they make just around the house.

I know they are somehow a huge fashion disaster, but all I can wear are crocs. not knock-offs, the brand. I have a strange family foot thing and trying on shoes is very very painful after the second or 3rd pair. You likely need more support than a croc, so go look at the name brand sneaker or walking shoes and buy a NEW pair that is comfortable. If you have to 'break it in' then it is the wrong shoe. It should feel good the first step or two. Then wear that shoe in the house all day.

My dad had the horrible leg pain you are feeling for years. He was a teacher and ALL classrooms were concrete and maybe had vinyl over them, maybe. The first 20 yrs he was a shop teacher and those rooms were always concrete. His feet and legs would hurt like the devil. My mom forced him to buy really GOOD shoes and always wear them to work and it makes a HUGE difference. It esp helped with the pain between the ankle and knee and with the foot/ankle pain. If he bought cheap shoes or didn't replace them, my mom would refuse to rub his legs when they hurt until he got new ones because it made that big a difference.

When you are sitting, what position are your feet in? Do you need a footstool to make your feet touch the floor with-o the back of your legs pushing the cushion down a lot? If you do, get a footstool and use it. It will also help with the pain. If the chair is too big or your feet don't touch the floor, you end up with circulation problems and this increases pain and problems like risk of blood clots. You can even make a cheap footstool by using an empty 2 liter bottle (or full one) with a cap on it. I generally have one for each foot if I need a footstool around the house while I am sitting (I am so short that my feet don't always reach the floor when I am standing up!) Then I don't have to chase around the house for a footstool after the kids 'borrow' it, because a round bottle isn't useful as a seat, chair, bookrest, or whatever the heck else they have taken my footstool for at that time.

Give the doctor some time, but call and remind them about the form when needed. Even docs have bad days. You should have seen my pain doctor appointment before last, yeesh. Talk about wrong side of the bed! This last visit she was herself again though. Thankfully, because she shot me full of botox at that appointment!

Do you have access to a pool? Anywhere in your town? Generally you can ask at any Ymca or Ywca with a pool and if you are disabled they will help iwth the fees so yuo can use the pool and equipment. A water exercise class or even just open pool time to walk around the pool could REALLY help iwth the knees. It is one of the best exercise options for those of us with weight and mobility issues because the water supports you AND helps exercise all muscle groups even if you just walk around or stand there in the water. It would be a small step to show a doctor you are serious about your health.

You likely need a doctor to help you stop smoking. There are all sorts of programs, and you need a coping tool to substitute for smoking and not just another source of nicotine. While he can be an idiot, Dr Phil's site does have links to resources for this.

Be careful with weight loss surgery. If your addiction is food, surgery won't help. A family friend had gastric bypass and it just made things worse. She couldn't stick to the diet and having less of a stomach and intestines meant she didn't get enough nutrients. She was on a bunch of time release medications and those cannot be taken after that kind of surgery because you do not have enough of your intestines and stomach for them to be absorbed properly or even for them to release the medications properly. It took me looking at the medication list for her husband and mother in law and saying "those won't EVER help her because they are time release medications. They don't stay in her body long enough to release so she needs immediate release versions" for the doctor to 'remember' to change her to short acting medications. This was almost 18 mos after the surgery!

I don't know if it is best to lose the smoking or weight first, but I bet if you talked to some docs they might be better able to help yuo make that decision. It cannot hurt to see the weight loss docs for a consult and to see which ones you like. I think the lap band is removable, and honestly it might be the best way to go because if the other way does not work, it REALLLY does not work. And if yuo cannot stick to the diet and avoid the greasy and sugary foods, gastric bypass will be a MAJOR problem as it has the dumping issue. Dumping refers to your body immediately ejecting any form of too sugary or too fatty or too off the diet food. It involves painful cramping and not always being able to leave the bathroom for quite a while or to wait to get into a bathroom if it is not right by you. J had a teacher who could not grasp this and would insist on eating birthday cake, cookies, etc... and then her class of 4th graders would be alone for an hour or more while she was in the bathroom. She wanted the school to move her class into the pre-K classroom because it had a bathroom right in the classroom (with a door, but in the room like a closet) rather than down the hallway (so the 3 and 4 yo kids could potty when needed) and tried to sue when told they would not let her 4th grade kids have that room so she could spend the day in the bathroom and still 'supervise' them from behind the bathroom door after she binged on donuts or cake or whatever. I heard the lawyers laughing about this one day as we waited for a hearing on another issue back then.

You really have to be able to make the dietary changes or the surgery will add a lot of problems to your life. But it can be worth it.

I hope some of this gives you some ideas to help. I hate that you are so miserable. Am sending a PM also. (((((hugs)))))

 

[DammitJanet]

Thanks for all the replies...really helps to know someone is listening.

I do know that almost everything that is wrong with me is all my fault. I made really bad decisions earlier in my life and now I am paying dearly for it.

I had a horrible pain doctor appointment today too. I dont know what it is with me and doctor's this month but I must have sent out some bad karma somehow. I had to go to another appointment in a neighboring town before I went to the pain doctor so that meant I was leaving my house fairly early today and I dont like to take my medications with me if I am going to be away for very long...especially if I am going anywhere other than to one doctor. Heaven only help me if I lost my purse! Well for the first time in six months the doctor asked for my pill bottles. I explained that I didnt have them with me and why, and I offered to return home and bring them back, but you would have thought I was the devil incarnate. I got the lecture from hell about how for all they knew I was selling my pills and yada yada. I told them I realized they had to worry about such things but that I had never asked for increases, never asked for refills in advance, never said I had lost medications...etc. Except for that time when I am convinced they were trying to force me to quit the practice and fudging the tests I have never had a bad test. I dont think my tests were bad then, I think they lied because they never could show me a test that was bad.

Even after this doctor was tearing me a new one about not bringing my pill bottles in with me, he was increasing my medications! I never asked for it...lol. His answer was "well its obvious you are in more pain now than you have been." Well... I guess I have no answer to that one. I think my problem is I dont complain constantly and loudly. I dont go in and claim my pain is a 10 all the time because to me, a 10 means I shouldnt be talking. I sorta think if I am a 10 all the time, where in the world do I go if heaven forbid I got in an accident and broke a leg or something? I know I am not in as bad a pain as could possibly be. There has to be worse though I dont want to experience it.

As far as my shoes, yeah that is a problem. I am wearing old shoes that I got a few years ago that were very comfy. I have bought two pair since then but they didnt feel good. One was a pair of those Sketcher's that had the rounded sole and those really hurt my knees. I got a pair of ortho shoes at xmas but they didnt work out either. I need to find some good ones. I do plan to see about what I can do about water therapy. We dont have a Y here and the only public swimming we have is in a lake. I dont think I can manage that even though its right out my back door. The lake tends to be cold plus there is no edge to hold onto. It is where I will be taking Monkey to swim though most of the summer - like I said, right out my back door!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Janet, sorry that you are struggling so. You know I can't offer you much since I struggle with my weight as well. I can offer some suggestions on the smoking though. I quit basically because I had that emergency surgery and figured five days in the hospital without smoking got me over the toughest part so why not just not smoke again! However, I did use an e-cig afterwards and still do occasionally today. Buy American and remember, especially with e-cigs, you get what you pay for. One of the best I've found is the volcano brand (out of Hawaii). The Inferno starter kits are great for heavy smokers and will give you plenty of "smoke" (vapor) output and tons of flavor choices (I think they run about 80 now, which seems like a lot but when you consider the price of cigs, it's much, much cheaper in the long run). I started with the ultra light nicotine but don't use any liquid with nicotine now. It's more the vape experience. The cheap stuff you can buy at the gas station are mostly imports from China and don't offer the over quality experience that will keep you satisfied.

Good shoes are also a must! As a diabetic I have to be very careful with me feet. Once good quality pair of shoes is all you need to feel the difference! They will do wonders for you knee and back problems.

Keep plugging!

 

[helpangel]

have you checked into those rubber mats they put down for factory workers? also memory foam pads for your shoes, my dollar store carries them... in my opinion worth my weight in gold and only a buck... which is a whole LOT more then a buck... just throwing ideas out there will be praying for you.

nancy

 

[svengandhi]

A few years ago, while participating in an Eagle Scout project at the HS, we came across big foam gym mats that were being thrown out. We took some and put down a piece that's like 8 by 10 in the living room. It's very comfy so the boys can lay out on it while playing video games and they even sleep on it when friends stay over. Right now, the injured dog is lying on it instead of on the floor. It's very thick but if you can find some and put it where you have to be standing for long periods, it will help. Maybe you can get a square that's portable so you can move it wherever you have to stand. I also have Dr. Scholl's inserts in my shoes and they have helped my tendinitis so much that I was able to stop PT.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

 

[DammitJanet]

I love the idea of the gym mats. I will contact our local schools and see about them.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You can get foam squares at Wal-Mart that go together like a puzzle on the floor. I would definitely look into the weight loss surgery. I KNOW a lot of the issues that I deal with are due to weight gain. As for smoking, please quit. It is the best gift that you can give to yourself and those that love you. I always cringe when I see smokers smoke a cigarette and then hug all over little children. My friend's toddler smells like an ashtray. SO sad.

 

[witzend]

I haven't replied because I'm feeling the same way and I don't think I have anything constructive to add to the conversation at this point. This too shall pass...

 

[DammitJanet]

Yeah it will

 

[susiestar]

Shoes are an absolute MUST. Insoles can help until you get good shoes, but they are NOT a solution. Think about your feet. Every single step puts ALL of your weight onto your foot in a concentrated way. Cheap shoes are an abomination. I won't even try one shoes often due to the bizarre things my feet do. I am lucky that Crocs are around because one of my biggest problems is my body swells if ANYTHING is tight around me That means shoes that do more than barely touch end up causing incredible unexplainable inflammation. I have had doctors want to do surgery on my feet due to swelling because I wore gym shoes to an appointment. it is literally frightening to them and painful to me. I had one foot have the skin split from swelling from wearing shoes that laced up for two hours - talk about PAIN! It was ugly in sooo many ways.

You don't have that, so you need solid, sturdy shoes replaced at least 2 times a year. You may want to look at Z coil shoes. Look up a distributor and have them fitted professionally. They look strange because on the heel you have a heavy duty spring. I had a clog type slip on shoe because I knew to not get one that laces iwth my feet. They adjust the spring so that it gives you the right amount of support and spring for your body. Nike has a shoe with a spring that is enclosed but their springs are not as sturdy or long lasting as the Z Coil is. My only problem iwth the Z Coil was at one of husband's offices when they had all sorts of cords running on the floors loose and one got caught on my heel. But his coworkers were falling all over the place on the cords and it was not just me. They had the health dept actually tell them to either cover up to loose cords or get rid of them because of the dangers after eight people fell in under 3 weeks!

You can also look into Red Wing shoes which are sold as work shoes but they have more support than most people would think and come in a huge range of sizes. Being in the right shoe is important if you have pain issues in feet, ankles, knees, hips or your spine, and with more than one of those hurting, they simply are not optional.

If you cannot afford really GOOD shoes right now, get a pair of crocs because the material they use for soles is one of the best for shock absorbing that is made and the brand name is substantially better in quality and durability than the other brands that look the same and feel similar at first. There really IS a difference and they last longer than the cheaper versions. $30 isn't expensive for shoes esp as a stop-gap until you can get a pair of professionally fitted GOOD shoes. The difference in wear and tear on your knees alone will be incredible.

Those foam puzzles from Walmart or wherever are a good start if you cannot afford the floor mats. I know Sams carries some similar type floor mats in both the industrial supply area, the office supply area and the kitchen area. If you cannot find it in one area, look in the others until you see what they have. Sometimes their prices are good on that sort of thing.