In need of advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jiminy_cricket, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. jiminy_cricket

    jiminy_cricket New Member

    Ok, I'll get straight to the point; I'm twenty-two years old and live with my father in an apartment, we suffered through a divorce and are just now years later picking up the pieces. I've as of lately completely stepped my game up and have "awoken" out of the box I was in previously, I'm starting to see the evil intentions in people and it scares me to death.

    As of right now I'm jobless and being supported by him, but trying my damn hardest to find a job I can pay the bills with to relieve him of any stress I'm causing him. I don't do drugs, I don't drink and I don't party often and when I do I am responsible about it.

    My father has a problem with money, he can't stop spending it on useless stuff, he has no drug or alcohol habits and makes a big wage. People are walking all over him left and right, I unintentionally without knowing it did so as well for years (I was conditioned to think it was alright). Now with me back in the big world dealing with people have realized exactly what is happening, but as the old story of the boy and the wolf goes he won't believe me and can't accept it, he is a sucker.

    We went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and talked a little shop, as the lady served us I heard her mumble under her breath "****ing idiot", something tells me this happens to him on a daily bases. I have tried my damn hardest to light up his darkness so to speak but it's damn near impossible, during an argument I ended up letting it slip and called him a fool which made him lose respect for me, I didn't let it slip until after I tried my hardest in every other possible tactic to let him know what was happening. He keeps trying to condition me to not care what people think, little conversations about not caring what people think, things like "Oh [enter my name here] it's just how the world works who cares" *as he goes and blows another chunk of his account.

    I love my old man to death and would do anything for him but he just won't believe that I have the brain to even support myself (I'm an extremely hard worker but am faced with a workplace shun out of my industry it's the bar business).

    I'm faced with the decision of either a) grabbing the first job I see and skipping out on him, or b) sticking it out to continue to work with him.

    People are out to get my dad, he is being treated like a fool by nearly everyone in his life. What do I do?
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Not sure you really found the right place to get help. We are a board of parents navigating the world of having children with behavioral, emotional, academic, and mental issues.

    I would imagine, based on the information you shared, your best bet would be to find employment and venture out on your own. It appears your dad has his own issues and it is not your place to "stick it out and continue to work with him". The fact that you two are arguing is not good. I think you will feel better about yourself, and perhaps you can relate to your dad more man to man were you to be on your own and living independently. You are a loving son to be so concerned, but honestly, your dad would want you to go ahead with your life.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Children often feel personal responsibility for their parents' happiness. And they shouldn't. It holds them back. In your case, you and your dad will be better friends if you begin to make your own way in life. You needn't go far, you can still visit and spend time with him often. Call him often. But your relationship changes when you leave home. Chances are a lot of your fighting is because you are trying to pull away but somehow feel you shouldn't, or he is still holding on to a younger version of you.

    You seem aware of when you say or do the wrong thing with him; continue to try to monitor and manage your outbursts with him, because he is your dad and loves you. He will forgive far more in you than other people who are not related to you. Getting on a better footing with him gives you practice in interacting more appropriately with people in general - a necessary skill in life.

  4. keista

    keista New Member

    I agree with the above posters, and will add that is seems like you were destined on the same path as your Dad, but somehow, somewhere, someway had a HUGE "wake up call" saying that that's not the way life is supposed to be. Now that you have this new perspective, you are trying to get him to open his eyes to it as well. As his son, you care about him and want what's best for him, so you try, BUT it's NOT YOUR JOB. YOUR JOB is to go out into the world and make a life for yourself. If in the future, you decide to have a family it is YOUR JOB to take ALL the lessons you learned in life and teach them to your kids, and make their lives better (not with stuff, but understanding), and in turn make the whole world a little bit better.

    It is impossible to 'fix' a person who doesn't want to be 'fixed' or doesn't think they need to be 'fixed' - that sounds like your dad.

    Go and live your life. Keep a relationship with your dad. Don't stop trying to help him, but don't be trying so hard that you loose yourself.