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In over my head.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 282326" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Linda, </p><p> </p><p>I too didn't think very badly of your husband until the last few months and then only because of how he was treating you. I don't care what the reason someone is an alcoholic or why a recovering alcoholic comes off the wagon - how they treat people has to be considered. You are my friend and I wouldn't have liked anyone to treat you like that. How he was treating you under the influence has NOTHING to do with how he treated you prior - both are separate times in the life of. Know what I mean?? When you say you miss him - I know you miss the man that he was without the alcohol. And there is no reason not to - he was a good man. He just had a drinking problem. </p><p> </p><p>As far as trying to handle ktbug and her going overboard since her dad isn't there? You betcha. Everyone deals with death in their own way. KT knows you aren't well, she KNOWS you are having to be both Mom and Dad and while it's unfortunate that she can't seem to let you have your time to grieve - I would not lump pushing limits into how she's handling grief. Our kids are NOT the dumb ones in the pack - they're the ones that are smart and have dumb behaviors. I wouldn't excuse her pushing. I would as for more help or at this point - allow her the right to go to a place where she can have your love and support and work on her problems without tearing you down. </p><p> </p><p>Being a Mother has never been about allowing our kids to walk on us. It's having the strength to say "YOU will NOT do this to ME or ANYONE else - and if you do X will occur." then follow through. It took me a long time to get over the guilt and shame of putting Dude in SO many placements. Each placement I felt like a failure until someone explained to me that I really WAS a good Mother BECAUSE I had the strength to do what was BEST FOR THE CHILD. Didn't make placement ANY easier until I started seeing some maturity at 18 (or rather, just recently). </p><p> </p><p>I don't know if Dude and I will ever sit down and have "the talk" about what I had to do BECAUSE I love him not inspite of the fact. I hope someday to hear something along the lines of "It must have been harder than hell for you to do what you did." because it was - but I don't hold much out for ever hearing it from Dude - unless he has his own children some far far and distant day from now. </p><p> </p><p>I like what Suz said - you can change decisions. She's right. And it may just end up being the LAST placement for KTbug - the one that makes her see the light or she meets that one counselor or therapist that says the magic STOP YOUR BEHAVIOR it's not fitting for a 14 year old. Then the light goes off, things start to change....and it was really all worth it. </p><p> </p><p>You dear, need a break before you crack. You are worth it. </p><p> </p><p>hugs</p><p>star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 282326, member: 4964"] Linda, I too didn't think very badly of your husband until the last few months and then only because of how he was treating you. I don't care what the reason someone is an alcoholic or why a recovering alcoholic comes off the wagon - how they treat people has to be considered. You are my friend and I wouldn't have liked anyone to treat you like that. How he was treating you under the influence has NOTHING to do with how he treated you prior - both are separate times in the life of. Know what I mean?? When you say you miss him - I know you miss the man that he was without the alcohol. And there is no reason not to - he was a good man. He just had a drinking problem. As far as trying to handle ktbug and her going overboard since her dad isn't there? You betcha. Everyone deals with death in their own way. KT knows you aren't well, she KNOWS you are having to be both Mom and Dad and while it's unfortunate that she can't seem to let you have your time to grieve - I would not lump pushing limits into how she's handling grief. Our kids are NOT the dumb ones in the pack - they're the ones that are smart and have dumb behaviors. I wouldn't excuse her pushing. I would as for more help or at this point - allow her the right to go to a place where she can have your love and support and work on her problems without tearing you down. Being a Mother has never been about allowing our kids to walk on us. It's having the strength to say "YOU will NOT do this to ME or ANYONE else - and if you do X will occur." then follow through. It took me a long time to get over the guilt and shame of putting Dude in SO many placements. Each placement I felt like a failure until someone explained to me that I really WAS a good Mother BECAUSE I had the strength to do what was BEST FOR THE CHILD. Didn't make placement ANY easier until I started seeing some maturity at 18 (or rather, just recently). I don't know if Dude and I will ever sit down and have "the talk" about what I had to do BECAUSE I love him not inspite of the fact. I hope someday to hear something along the lines of "It must have been harder than hell for you to do what you did." because it was - but I don't hold much out for ever hearing it from Dude - unless he has his own children some far far and distant day from now. I like what Suz said - you can change decisions. She's right. And it may just end up being the LAST placement for KTbug - the one that makes her see the light or she meets that one counselor or therapist that says the magic STOP YOUR BEHAVIOR it's not fitting for a 14 year old. Then the light goes off, things start to change....and it was really all worth it. You dear, need a break before you crack. You are worth it. hugs star [/QUOTE]
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