In over my head.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Jun 14, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I admit it....should have been honest with psychiatrist when kt was admitted to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). psychiatrist's first question for me was "is kt coming home or are we prepping her for a group or foster home?" His next comment was "you are in over your head right now ~ too much going on with your health & husband's death."

    I pshawed him - assured him that it would be fine. After today & kt's nonstop outbursts I've been brought to my knees once again.

    Without husband here kt seems to be walking all over me. husband always backed me up here at home; we discussed many times over about never interfering with each other's decisions made during the heat of the moment. There was a balance - a partnership, if you will, in parenting. I'm grievously sorry I didn't share more about husband's good moments, his finer times.

    Recently a therapist told me he felt husband started drinking again because he couldn't emotionally handle the twins trauma. I left the office ~ I didn't want to believe that. Everything is too raw. I feel like I cannot continue without husband.

    I cannot keep up with the antics of my ktbug; the outbursts & threats from wm when he calls or I visit.

    I'm angry ..... at husband for dying. At kt & wm for just not "getting it". And I'm tired. I want the time to be sad, to play piano or paint. I want to laugh again.

    I want out. It's not going to happen.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    It just breaks my heart, Linda. I'm so sorry.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda I'm so sorry for your pain. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it disappear. No matter which way it goes down, you gave the tweedles your all. I know you don't feel very strong at all right now, but I'm not the only one here that greatly admires your strength and wisdom. But even Superman had kriptonite.

    I have a feeling ktbug is walking all over you mostly due to the fact you're grieving and struggling to deal with your own emotions while coping with everything else. Meanwhile the tweedles are also grieving and acting out.......and heck, even just being themselves on a particularly bad day of grief can be enough to overwhelm. Then add in the illness........and well, I see the doctor's point.

    Family's with easy child kids struggle tremendously under similar circumstances. It's no wonder that you're finding it so difficult to cope.

    I can't imagine dealing with all your dealing with, and most especially doing it as well as you are. Breaks my heart you're having to go thru so darn much.

  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Linda, this morning I want you to pick up the phone and call who you need to call to get more help. Old decisions can be changed and new decisions made. It's just too much; I'm so sorry.

  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I echo what Suz said. You have to make the necessary changes for your own health. I'm sure the stress and grief you are dealing with is not helping you get better. If you don't get better, things will surely fall apart fast. If the answer is putting her in a therapeutic foster home, then do it. Don't feel that it's copping out or giving have done everything within (and sometimes above) your power. You have given up so much, including your health, to give them what they needed.

    Sending hugs and strength today!
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I agree with Suz, you need more help.
    I also think you have to ask yourself what you want? You have major remodeling being done, dealing with the loss of a tragic, unexpected death of your partner, your kids are adolescents and you haven't recovered your health. In between you have to manage a home, deal with relatives, finances and regular world issues that everyone has to deal with. Seems a set up for disaster.
    What can you do and what can't you do?
    Kt gets worse then gets better. It's not unlike teens but severely magnified and with her distorted thinking, difficult to deal with effectively. What is it you want to accomplish?
    Like with everything we deal with we have to set a realistic goal and set up steps to get there.
    You have to take care of your physical health and your emotional health and you have to take care of your kids. None are in the optimium shape at this point in your life.
    What can you do to alleviate some of the less important activity in your life?
    Can you allow yourself a few hours a week to withdraw to paint or play piano? In between,cooking, groceries, cleaning, bill paying,parenting and laundry it doesn't seem easy but you have to have a corner of your world that allows you some peace in order to get recovery. No adults get to do what they like most of the time but most wise adults allow themselves a few hours a week to do it.
    It's pretty overwhelming Linda. You may need to have a caretaker for yourself, home and children. You are clearly dealing with more than most and from a situation where your health prevents you from having the energy that is typical.
    It's going to require you to make some tough plans for the upcoming year. It will get better. It just takes time.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    No adults get to do what they like most of the time but most wise adults allow themselves a few hours a week to do it.

    Very wisely said.

    On another note. Your anger at husband is quite normal in the grieving process. Keep in mind that your kids are most likely going through the same stages, but manifest it in a way that might be different from yours. I can't recommend this book enough. There is probably not one library that does not have it in stock.

    She also has some other books on the grieving process. The 'would of/should of' train of thought will tie you down to where you can't move on. As said before, your kids are somewhere in this process as well. Even though they can be mean little buggers, you know deep inside they are thinking things like you are.

    Take some time for yourself, hon. Give an hour each day for *me* time. I'm trying to do that myself and some days I can't think of anything to do other than just sit in quiet. My favorite thing is to just sit in the sunshine (when available...grrrr...) and just relax.

    Hugs, Lisa.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, honestly - I thought you and husband had a great relationship up until the last year. I was surprised to even hear he had been a recovering alcoholic. So, do not think you put your relationship in a bad light all the time here - you did not. The last year was difficult and you vented some, but not for one minute did I doubt you loved him.

    You have mentioned a few times you wish you did not paint him in a bad light, but you really didn't. So, feel free to tell us how great he was, because that is what I remember most. He was very supportive of you and I always felt he adored you. The two of you had conversations about the tweedles that made me laugh because you were handling the parenting of

    difficult children with humor and it helped you both get through it.
    To not have that support today is a HUGE challenge for you. Nobody else in the whole world can talk to you about the tweedles like husband did.
    What the therapist said is possible, but does not make him a bad person. It is a reality that many of us face day in and day out. The stress levels are unbearable. Unnatural really.

    You have to find what is going to give you strength to push on.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Linda}} I hope you call whoever you need to so you can get the support and help you need. You're dealing with too much on your own. Please continue to reach out. Hugs~
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I too didn't think very badly of your husband until the last few months and then only because of how he was treating you. I don't care what the reason someone is an alcoholic or why a recovering alcoholic comes off the wagon - how they treat people has to be considered. You are my friend and I wouldn't have liked anyone to treat you like that. How he was treating you under the influence has NOTHING to do with how he treated you prior - both are separate times in the life of. Know what I mean?? When you say you miss him - I know you miss the man that he was without the alcohol. And there is no reason not to - he was a good man. He just had a drinking problem.

    As far as trying to handle ktbug and her going overboard since her dad isn't there? You betcha. Everyone deals with death in their own way. KT knows you aren't well, she KNOWS you are having to be both Mom and Dad and while it's unfortunate that she can't seem to let you have your time to grieve - I would not lump pushing limits into how she's handling grief. Our kids are NOT the dumb ones in the pack - they're the ones that are smart and have dumb behaviors. I wouldn't excuse her pushing. I would as for more help or at this point - allow her the right to go to a place where she can have your love and support and work on her problems without tearing you down.

    Being a Mother has never been about allowing our kids to walk on us. It's having the strength to say "YOU will NOT do this to ME or ANYONE else - and if you do X will occur." then follow through. It took me a long time to get over the guilt and shame of putting Dude in SO many placements. Each placement I felt like a failure until someone explained to me that I really WAS a good Mother BECAUSE I had the strength to do what was BEST FOR THE CHILD. Didn't make placement ANY easier until I started seeing some maturity at 18 (or rather, just recently).

    I don't know if Dude and I will ever sit down and have "the talk" about what I had to do BECAUSE I love him not inspite of the fact. I hope someday to hear something along the lines of "It must have been harder than hell for you to do what you did." because it was - but I don't hold much out for ever hearing it from Dude - unless he has his own children some far far and distant day from now.

    I like what Suz said - you can change decisions. She's right. And it may just end up being the LAST placement for KTbug - the one that makes her see the light or she meets that one counselor or therapist that says the magic STOP YOUR BEHAVIOR it's not fitting for a 14 year old. Then the light goes off, things start to change....and it was really all worth it.

    You dear, need a break before you crack. You are worth it.

  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hoping you get some help. I really think this is just too much for one person to handle. I would not have been able to do what you have done...... as they say on the plane, put your own mask on first before helping others..........
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know it doesn't sound softly supportive but I feel it should be said again. in my humble opinion you have set unattainably high goals for severely dysfunctional children, and yourself. Wanting to achieve miracles is understandable and admirable but I know of no human miracle workers.

    Of course your professionals are the ones who know you best and can give the most valid advice. I think that pushing yourself to the limit is not in the best interests of your children. I think that being supportive of the plans laid out for achieving their best, is what your best should be.

    It might even be possible that your determination to stay focused on your original goals is now preventing you from seeing yourself as a separate, happily functioning adult woman. Redefining yourself may be the healthy next step in your life. Many people sincerely care. DDD
  13. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    I don't know you yet, but my heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what you are experiencing right now and I am so sorry. I hope whatever needs to happen for you falls into place.
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (hugs) Do you know the book, "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein? The tree loved the boy so much, she gave it all she could, until there was nothing left of her. Still, she would give more if she had more, but she just didn't. You have given so much Linda.
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Linda, the love you shared with your husband was always evident in your posts. The support you shared, the friendship you shared, all of it was evident.

    Maybe it is time to make some phone calls regarding ktbug; maybe you don't feel like you can do that yet. Whichever you choose, we will support you and be your shoulders.

    If I could take some of the weight you carry, I would.

  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Linda. I wish I knew how to help.
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    So sorry---poor kt has had so many strikes against her; I can't imagine the pain you both must feel right now. Hopefully, she will settle down soon. If not, then you will do what you have to do. Hugs.
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How I hate mental illness! Not much to add to what the others have wisely said. Do know you and the tweedles remain in my daily prayers. I so wish there was something I could do to help. (((hugs)))
  19. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical


    I send you all the strength I have to get you through this. Whatever decision you make I know that you don't make it lightly. None of this is easy and we all know that. As you go through these next steps we are here for you. I so much wish that I could help you through this.

    Most of us that are married understand that our relationships with our spouses are something only we can understand. There are good days and bad. You shared both.

    I have strong shoulders to lend you if you need them.

  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    Thinking of you and sending out strength to carry on and make necessary decisions.

    With love and care,