In the middle

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by debi, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. debi

    debi New Member

    I feel that I just can not win. My husband and difficult child are ridiculous. They will not talk to each other. difficult child will not stay in the house with husband alone. husband expects difficult child to jump when spoken to or told to do something. husband and I do not talk about difficult child or his issues at all. He is so angry and hateful towards him and the situation that I am now not even telling him anything anymore.
    Throughout the past 6 months we have lost hold of our relationship and I now only see time ticking away until one of us walks out forever. We have 2 little ones so they are truly the ones who will suffer. Counseling...he thinks he is just fine and that he doesn't need counseling. We went to one session before and it was horrible. The entire time he only talked about how horrible life was for him, how horrible of a wife I am, how he is doing nothing wrong, etc. etc. I am just tired of being put in the middle between a defiant 15 year old and a 39 year old who has totally checked out of the situation. Can they both not see that they are destroying my soul. I don't think I can keep it together. I am constantly sick, losing weight, my hair is falling out in clumps, my stomach is always in a knot, and I have absolutely no enjoyment of life. I have been completey broken down. We are traveling back to my home for Christmas and I think I just want to stay and not come back to VA.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'd strongly recommend seeking out a therapist and a psychiatrist for yourself. If you are that stressed out from the situation, you need help -- both therapeutically and medically -- to deal with your husband and son. That doesn't in any way translate to your being at fault. It does mean you are suffering and need an outside party to help you figure out the best way to handle things.

    Are there any options for your son to get treatment in a more intensive environment -- inpatient, day treatment or Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I'm concerned that you have only two years to get him stabilized with appropriate treatment before he turns 18.

    Know that we're here for you anytime you need a shoulder to lean on. Hugs for your hearting heart.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Debi,
    welcome. Here's some camomile tea and a soft pillow.
    I am so sorry about your son and husband. I can feel your pain and exhaustion through the computer.
    Is there a way you could have your son stay with-grandparents or friends for a cpl of days, so you and your husband can get back on track?
    With such little ones--1 and 3--I cannot imagine breaking up your marriage right now.
    Is your difficult child from a prior marriage? I noticed in your profile that you have "Ex" there.
    Maybe that was/is part of the problem with-your husband being so angry with-difficult child, in addition to difficult child's other issues? I could be way off ...
    I know what you mean about hair falling out. I'm into perimenopause and have hair loss issues, but my dr thinks most of it is stress.
    The good thing is, it grows back.
    I agree with-Smallworld, that going to therapy for yourself would be a good idea. Your husband doesn't have to come along for the ride. Take care of yourself, first.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Hi Debi

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time, yet I agree getting some type of counseling for you to help YOU cope right now is important. Once you do that maybe things will be somewhat easier to handle for you.

    It takes everyone on board working together, boy have i learned that.

    i'm sorry you are so upset, i'm sending hugs
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Debi.
    Whoa. You deserve some fragrant candles and a bubblebath too! I'm sorry that especially hub is acting like this kid can be written off. Is he his father or a stepfather? Has he ever been good with him? I am also married to a military vet and sometimes they can be very rigid and think everything could be solved if only the right discipline was applied. I had to sensitize my hub to his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son.
    I do think you could use some therapy, maybe family therapy. As for your son, when was the last time he was evaluated? Rather than ADHD/ODD, he could have emergent bipolar, especially if any mood disorders or substance abuse are on either side of his genetic family tree. If so, he may have never had a chance to be stable or get on the right medications. I'm not a big fan of a CD diagnosis. It's not useful, just points out bad behavior, and we already KNOW his behavior is self-destructive. There is no solution for CD, but it is rarely a stand alone diagnosis.
    And are you certain that he isn't using recreational drugs or drinking? That can make our troubled children even worse...
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Debi, I'm so sorry that you are where you are.

    Don't make any rash decisions right now. I know there are times when we all want to pack up our toys and go home. And you may end up doing that. Who knows?

    I agree that someone to talk to is the best thing right now. Sometimes it's that unique perspective that lets us see things more clearly.

    We're here for you - anytime, anyway!

    Take a break, watch a movie just for you - and lots and lots of butter on the popcorn!

    Oh, and while you're eating the popcorn, imagine that each kernel is your husbands head and bite it really, really hard! If he's allowed to bite your head off, you're entitled to do the same!

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to send some hugs your way.
  8. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I agree with the others who believe you would benefit from finding yourself someone to talk to. You have absolutely no support at home and two very young children to take care of, not to mention your difficult child.

    I also think you should make an appointment to see your physician to rule out any underlying reasons why you're losing hair, weight, etc.. I know I'm probably way off here, but is there any chance your thyroid might be out of whack?

    I also agree with those who believe your difficult child will benefit from a thorough evaluation. We went through HE77 with our oldest, difficult child 1. It took a long time before we had the right diagnosis and were able to get him appropriate treatment.

    As far as you and husband are concerned, don't make any quick decisions. At this point in time, in my humble opinion, both of you are too stressed to see that there still could be light at the end of the tunnel.

    One thing you should know - If your difficult child has ODD/CDD?, and if he is anything like my difficult child 1 was, he enjoys creating chaos in your home. The only way to stop your difficult child from making your home a constant battleground, is if he sees you and husband are on the same page. I know at this point, this seems like an impossible task for you, but, somehow, when it comes to difficult child, you and husband need to be on the same side.

    My situation was different from yours (I may not be the best one to give you advice here) - husband is difficult child 1's biological father. However, it took husband and I many years before we were able to get on the same page as far as how to handle difficult child 1. Things got worse before they got better. However, once difficult child 1 knew he couldn't play mom against dad or visa versa, it took the steam out of his engine. Now, husband backs up all of my decisions concerning difficult child 1 even if privately he doesn't agree with them. And, I've learned to do the same. This has restored a bit of peace to our home and our relationship.

    I've got to pick up my difficult children at school now. I wish I knew someone who would take them for at least the rest of today, lol...

    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Please stick around and vent when you need to. we'll be here for you... WFEN
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just sending many hugs.........I wish I had answers.
    Life with these kids is so unbelievably difficult, it is a surprise we all make it. But we do.
    Does husband have a solution, as it seems he is the one with as many problems as difficult child - but yet has the maturity and skills needed to solve this.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Debi...been there done that. Still doing it.

    Hubby is the stepfather, and they would both fuss and fight, and put me in the middle. I hate it, and when it was most awful, I hated both of them for acting like that. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but Hubby and Miss KT's relationship didn't improve until Miss KT had been gone for 6 months.

    Sending hugs and a soft fuzzy blanket to wrap up in.