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Ineffective Mother
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<blockquote data-quote="Running_for_the_shelter" data-source="post: 327558" data-attributes="member: 2960"><p>There's genetics, there's environment, and the two can work together to make something truly horrid. There's a lot going on with you right now and it's great that you're seeking some help here. </p><p></p><p>I understand a lot of what you feel. My grandfather was an alcoholic who just beat the daylights out of my dad. My dad drank every day (but not like his father did) and whacked us kids quite a bit --- but, again, not like his father did. I'm guessing I drink in a week (or maybe more ) what my father did in an evening and I rarely get physical with my son. I did, however, long ago go to the family doctor and express my feelings of great irritation with everyone and everything and my unhappiness that I was generally so annoyed, I didn't have the quality of life I wanted. Tried a number of medications until we found one that worked for me. </p><p></p><p>Fast forward many years and after many efforts of seeking alternative ways to deal with a boy who went from the perfect baby to a Terrible Two and stayed there, we found the right medications for him, too. I am fully convinced that if the genetic line holds true, my son will have a child just like him (may I live to see the day) but my son will do a better job than I did in handling his Explosive Child of an offspring.</p><p></p><p>What's my point? Yeah, you have problems but you are far from alone, especially on this website. Here's my advice for what it's worth:</p><p>1. Talk to your doctor about your own anger issues. S/he is in a good position to advise a counselor, trying medications or another solution. </p><p>2. Definitely get the Explosive Child book (worth its weight in gold). That book really helped me understand myself a lot better as well as my son.</p><p>3. Work with your son's doctor and school district to get him the help he needs.</p><p>4. Hang out with the folks on this website and learn a lot of great coping tools and helpful hints. You'll find things that work for you. Maybe only one idea in ten works in your household, but it's one more tool than you had the day before. Having a full tool chest helps you be more effective and happier.</p><p></p><p>People on this site are very non-judgment and many have walked in shoes nearly identical to yours. I have felt shame and guilt at some of my actions, too. I have a goal to be a better parent than my father (who truly was a better parent than his father even though I considered him totally inadequate until I was in my twenties) and great hopes that within a couple generations, people in my genetic line can actually avoid the pitfalls I fell into and have normal family lives. I'm fully convinced that with the right medications and education (and we're learning all the time!) that this can happen. Maybe I'm totally delusional, but that vision is truly one of the tools in my toolbox.</p><p></p><p>I have a lot of little "mantras" I repeat to help me avoid those full-family meltdowns. Here's my idealized process (I admit it breaks down a lot, but it's a goal).</p><p>1. "He's doing the best he can with what he has to work with." [Repeat to self at least five times.]</p><p>2. "He didn't choose to be like this." [Go back to step 1.]</p><p>3. When the anger/frustration builds up too high, say "I am very angry with you right now and I really want to smack you. But I'm going to walk away instead." [Suit actions to words.]</p><p></p><p>I made a commitment some time ago that I would not hit my son at all. I told my husband that I believed that all he was learning is that if you get mad enough and you're big enough, it's OK to hit people. The truth is that I was afraid it was a slippery slope for me and that I would end up no better than my father or, worse, reverse the progress of my family and end up like my grandfather. The temptation was certainly very strong! The more tools I have in my box, the less difficulty I've been having. I do understand how you feel -- the expression in my house is not Demon Mom but rather "watching Mom's head spin completely around" which is fundamentally the same thing! Yet, we've had improvement and I'm sure you can, too. Good luck and welcome to the site!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Running_for_the_shelter, post: 327558, member: 2960"] There's genetics, there's environment, and the two can work together to make something truly horrid. There's a lot going on with you right now and it's great that you're seeking some help here. I understand a lot of what you feel. My grandfather was an alcoholic who just beat the daylights out of my dad. My dad drank every day (but not like his father did) and whacked us kids quite a bit --- but, again, not like his father did. I'm guessing I drink in a week (or maybe more ) what my father did in an evening and I rarely get physical with my son. I did, however, long ago go to the family doctor and express my feelings of great irritation with everyone and everything and my unhappiness that I was generally so annoyed, I didn't have the quality of life I wanted. Tried a number of medications until we found one that worked for me. Fast forward many years and after many efforts of seeking alternative ways to deal with a boy who went from the perfect baby to a Terrible Two and stayed there, we found the right medications for him, too. I am fully convinced that if the genetic line holds true, my son will have a child just like him (may I live to see the day) but my son will do a better job than I did in handling his Explosive Child of an offspring. What's my point? Yeah, you have problems but you are far from alone, especially on this website. Here's my advice for what it's worth: 1. Talk to your doctor about your own anger issues. S/he is in a good position to advise a counselor, trying medications or another solution. 2. Definitely get the Explosive Child book (worth its weight in gold). That book really helped me understand myself a lot better as well as my son. 3. Work with your son's doctor and school district to get him the help he needs. 4. Hang out with the folks on this website and learn a lot of great coping tools and helpful hints. You'll find things that work for you. Maybe only one idea in ten works in your household, but it's one more tool than you had the day before. Having a full tool chest helps you be more effective and happier. People on this site are very non-judgment and many have walked in shoes nearly identical to yours. I have felt shame and guilt at some of my actions, too. I have a goal to be a better parent than my father (who truly was a better parent than his father even though I considered him totally inadequate until I was in my twenties) and great hopes that within a couple generations, people in my genetic line can actually avoid the pitfalls I fell into and have normal family lives. I'm fully convinced that with the right medications and education (and we're learning all the time!) that this can happen. Maybe I'm totally delusional, but that vision is truly one of the tools in my toolbox. I have a lot of little "mantras" I repeat to help me avoid those full-family meltdowns. Here's my idealized process (I admit it breaks down a lot, but it's a goal). 1. "He's doing the best he can with what he has to work with." [Repeat to self at least five times.] 2. "He didn't choose to be like this." [Go back to step 1.] 3. When the anger/frustration builds up too high, say "I am very angry with you right now and I really want to smack you. But I'm going to walk away instead." [Suit actions to words.] I made a commitment some time ago that I would not hit my son at all. I told my husband that I believed that all he was learning is that if you get mad enough and you're big enough, it's OK to hit people. The truth is that I was afraid it was a slippery slope for me and that I would end up no better than my father or, worse, reverse the progress of my family and end up like my grandfather. The temptation was certainly very strong! The more tools I have in my box, the less difficulty I've been having. I do understand how you feel -- the expression in my house is not Demon Mom but rather "watching Mom's head spin completely around" which is fundamentally the same thing! Yet, we've had improvement and I'm sure you can, too. Good luck and welcome to the site! [/QUOTE]
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