I have stopped posting because I have a snoop. Seems someone snooped on my first post about this mess over bff's funeral, her husband, ect.......and jumped to the wrong conclusion that I was trying to commit her. Goes to show why snooping isn't such a great idea I guess. sigh But I need some input with experience and so if she snoops this time......then she snoops and will just have to deal. In just 2 wks time Nichole has broken off a 5 yr relationship with boyfriend with no fight and no warning, she walked out on her daughter, moved in with bff's husband (which she knew would cause a huge uproar), she's done her level best to alienate her family, and quit her job. She left ex boyfriend with the responsibility of moving out of the apartment, finding a place to take the pets. Extreme behavior that in my opinion can't be explained by bff's death. It might have been the trigger that got the ball rolling......the initial walking out on ex boyfriend that night......but not the rest. For 2 weeks I've been trying to figure out wth has been going on with this child because her behavior does not make sense. A couple of days ago I finally got her to talk to me. She declared she was in a relationship with bff's husband and happier than she's ever been in 5 yrs. She wanted to know what I thought of that. I told her it made me want to hurl, but it was her decision. And that she sure didn't seem very darn happy to me. Then she denied the relationship saying bff's husband was just being really nice and a good friend. And all seemed to be forgiven. She invited me to a movie with her and Aubrey the next day. (friday) A bit later she extended the invite to easy child via fb. Later that night sister in law who has been furious with Nichole's treatment of me and easy child bawled her out on fb for her current attitude toward family. She replied with Mom tried to commit me (if I did she'd been there by now) and is a control freak and I'm done. Not wanting to muck up the tentative reconciliation.....I replied to sister in law via the same post and told him he was out of the loop and it had been settled. I chose to ignore her comment, although it stung quite a bit. Friday we met at the movies. Nichole decided to bring along bff's boys (not a problem) and guess who came with her? Bff's husband. Both easy child and I felt like we were having our noses rubbed in it. Not happy, either of us. We managed to be polite. But neither of us have ever cared for this man, and it's sure not going to start now. Geez I'd been friends with bff for more than 10 yrs and her husband had never stepped foot in my home because I didn't want him there. We'd have left but both Darrin and Aubrey were looking forward to the movie and seeing each other. Which didn't quite work out that way as Nichole was nearly 45 mins late because they "had to stop for food" and so we didn't wind up sitting together anyway. Yesterday Nichole stopped by to drop off some stuff for the animals. She sort of hung around a bit and didn't seem overly anxious to leave. I was nice but stand offish, still very irked at her behavior the day before and not particularly anxious to talk. Maybe I should've taken the opportunity.......especially since the last 2 times we were together she'd also acted as if she wanted to talk (the 2 times I was too emotional), but I'm human too for pete's sake. All along I've been trying to make sense of this situation. As bits and pieces of information come trickling in the picture is getting clearer but we still don't know a whole lot. Ex boyfriend's side: Nichole came home from the funeral and he acted like sort of a jerk because he didn't realize that it was a big deal. He had no way of knowing that she was as close to bff as she was because she never told him. Next thing he knew she was going to check on the boys and she left. At 1 am he gets a text saying she won't be home. No fight. In the following days she goes home to change clothes. As far as I know there were no fights during this time either. He assumed she was over here, which is why he didn't call to say she was missing. He didn't know where she was until easy child and sister in law let it slip. Nichole's side: Before bff's sister called me, Nichole had called me the day before and told me she had been throwing up almost non stop for 3 solid days but had no other symptoms and no fever. (I even wondered at the time why she was asking....because there was something a bit off with the conversation). Then bff's sister calls and I discover the beginning of this mess. Nichole told me that she had started throwing up that night and was afraid to try to drive home, so she told boyfriend and stayed over. Then decided not to go home that it was over with boyfriend. But boyfriend knew where she was and she was going home every day but he refused to even talk to her. When I tried to get her to come here she said she was staying with bff's husband to avoid "drama". The next day she came over and we already know I handled it terribly. Same with the following day. easy child and sister in law let it slip to boyfriend where she was........and they had a huge blow out where Nichole declared she was sleeping with bff's husband, then took it back. Then of course we didn't talk until a week later, the day before the movie date. Extreme behavior. She has thrown/pushed away everything that is important to her. Even bff's death is not enough to cause that. Which has been running as an undercurrent in my brain throughout this mess. easy child agrees. It may have been the trigger, but it isn't the cause of the following self-destructive behavior. It's like she is punishing herself. It is like she suddenly feels she doesn't deserve boyfriend, Aubrey, or the love of her family. And whatever it is that happened to make her feel this way, stems from that 1st night at bff's house with her husband. Of course I have no way of knowing what happened. But I have a working theory based on what I've seen over this time period. Could be dead wrong, but it does fit with her current behavior. I think Nichole went to bff's house to blow off steam after dealing with boyfriend's attitude and maybe to feel close to people who could share her grieve. She didn't come here because 1. I was still pretty darn mad at bff and 2. I was studying for finals. Something happened that evening between Nichole and bff's husband. If he had coaxed her into drinking.....that would explain the vomiting and the fear of driving home that night. Perhaps drunk, he coaxed her into something else that she wouldn't have even considered sober. (Nichole is NOT a drinker) Or maybe he even forced her. The drinking and staying over night alone wouldn't be enough I don't think to cause the fall out, she could've told boyfriend she stayed at some friend's house he didn't know. BUT if willing/unwillingly something sexual happened, Nichole would do exactly what she's been doing because she wouldn't be able to forgive herself. Why? Because to Nichole "cheating" is unforgivable. Period. Black and white. No middle ground. No excuses. The theory fits. Bff's husband wouldn't think it a big deal to get her drunk and take advantage, nor would it be out of character. He wouldn't even think it unusual behavior. Actually, it's one of his favorite tactics. It would explain the extreme self punishing behavior. It would explain the "I'm having a relationship/but wait no I'm not" thing as well. Sort of ........could you forgive me if ?? type thing. Problem is.........now that I might have worked out the possible reason behind it.....I'm not sure what to do next. Or even if I should do anything. While Nichole appears tougher than nails on the outside.......she is anything but on the inside. When she lashes out, it's to keep from getting hurt first. I could attempt to discuss this with her and have WWIII blow up in my face, or have her break down and come clean with the real reason behind the past 2 weeks. Or I could be dead wrong. But for the life of me, I can't come up with another reason that would trigger this extreme behavior. If you made it this far, thanks. I was using this as a way to sort my thoughts as well as to get input.