Insults - with class

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Marg's Man, Nov 29, 2007.

  1. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    A couple of weeks ago some friends of mine were chewing the fat about the low form of wit on TV and one (older gent) started remembering some great lines from history. Another jokes forum came up some as well a few days later. This is a complilation...

    From the Pre Hip-Hop days when English was spoken and great intellectual minds were the admired ones, as opposed to those which made the most money.

    "He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire."
    -- Winston Churchill

    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
    -- Clarence Darrow

    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
    --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
    -- Groucho Marx

    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    -- Mark Twain

    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -- Oscar Wilde

    George Bernard Shaw said to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
    Churchill's responded: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."

    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
    -- Stephen Bishop

    "He is a self-made man, and worships his creator."
    -- John Bright

    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
    --Irvin S Cobb

    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
    -- Samuel Johnson

    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
    -- Paul Keating (former Australian Prime Minister noted for his acerbic insults)

    "He had delusions of adequacy."
    -- Walter Kerr

    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
    -- Mark Twain

    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    -- Mae West

    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
    -- Oscar Wilde

    Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party,
    "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!
    Churchill replied, "Madam if I were your husband, I would drink it!"

    They really had a bitter feud going; on another occasion she said
    "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
    Whereupon he retorted (loudly enough for lots of people to hear):
    "Madam, it is true that I am drunk. But you are ugly, very ugly. And I shall be sober in the morning."
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Darling, you forgot some of the best of British insults!

    Gladstone and Disraeli were classics, sparring across the floor of Parliament House. Apparently after a particularly hot debate Gladstone fumed at Disraeli, "You, sir, will either die of venereal disease or on the gallows!"
    Disraeli replied with, "That entirely depends on whether I embrace your mistress or your morals."

    And another - when asked by someone to explain the difference between a misfortune and a calamity, Disraeli answered, "If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. But if someone helped him out, that would be a calamity."

    And WS Gilbert, of the famous operetta-writing duo Gilbert and Sullivan, was well-known for his biting wit which made the lyrics of these so brilliant. However, he was sometimes unpleasant to others, especially at rehearsals. One of his leading ladies fell with a resounding thump onto the stage at one rehearsal. He thoroughly offended her by saying, "Congratulations, my dear! I knew you'd somehow make an impression on the stage one day."

    There is another in my recollections, but I think the site would censor it. Unfortunately.

  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Marg and Marg's Man. I am just loving these. My mother is British AND an Aspie.

    If you want to talk about a BITING wit...she's just deadly. She's managed to wrap her Britishness around 50 years in the USA and the combination is sometimes plain hysterical.

    Thankfully, over the years she's learned to temper it a bit. What I really get a kick out of is that she's learned typical teen-ish from both my generation (I was born in 1960) and from the grandkids' generation.

    Imagine a 73 year old lady doing the perfect "Whateeeever!?" with the perfect intonation. I crack up and she then looks at me like I've lost my mind.

    on the other hand, she taught me how to send text msgs on my cellphone last time I was down to visit...after telling me (and I quote), "Dear, I think some of your marbles might have gone missing"
  5. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    These were wonderful! :smile:

    And I loved the comment about the standard for admiration being a fine mind.

  6. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Good stuff! You could write a whole book of Churchillian one-liners, and another whole book of one-liners attributed to Churchill, I think.

    Jane Austen has some great lines in her books --
    Lady Bennet: "You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion on my poor nerves."
    Mr. Bennet: "You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least."
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Churchill and Shaw way my favorite!

    Thanks for the picker upper.