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Interesting update on difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 605182" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>That's the frustrating thing about adult kids moving home. We see a way out that they refuse to take...but, whether with our money or our irreplaceable time, we find ourselves paying for their poor choices. Like you, I get involved in all the little details. I should be happily involved in my own and husband's joys and concerns. It's so darn hard to do that! We really have nothing to say about the kids' finances or lifestyles. </p><p></p><p>Why, I haven't thought about high heels, false eyelashes, or anything sparkly since difficult child came home. In a way, that's the true cost of all this for us. We aren't enough of ourselves to play around with who we are or who we might like to think about being, when we have to be serious adults who are supposed to be all wise and whatever.</p><p></p><p>Grrr....</p><p></p><p>Someone needs to write a song about how Grandmas and Grandpas just want to have fun.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p>How long until difficult child (and mouse) move back in with difficult child's S.O.?</p><p></p><p>And here's the other thing. By the time whichever family member it is finally have themselves together enough to leave our homes? We have major adjustments to make, before we get back to enjoying the rhythms of our own lives enough to reclaim playfulness.</p><p></p><p>It's tough. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the appropriate response. Burning resentment? No, that wouldn't be good. Total, cheery acceptance? </p><p></p><p>Rereading Joel Osteen?</p><p></p><p>Admitting I don't have a clue, and am just going to have to muddle through as best I know?</p><p></p><p>Yeah, doggone it. That seems to be what I want to do.</p><p></p><p>Then, I spend a lot of time going through everything with husband, whose response is getting to be, more and more, "I don't care what they do, as long as they don't do it from here. And don't expect me to pay for it."</p><p></p><p>Which they are, and do, of course.</p><p></p><p>I swear? If I <u>did</u> buy something sparkly or wear false eyelashes? Not only am I sort of too depressed to carry that off, these days?</p><p></p><p>But I don't think husband would even notice.</p><p></p><p>How crummy is that?!?</p><p></p><p>There has to be a center, a place of strength from which we can simply do the right thing without resentment. These are people who matter to us.</p><p></p><p>I suppose the way to do it is to realize we had another choice, but we made this one.</p><p></p><p>I am trying really hard to find that place.</p><p></p><p>Guess I will dig out those high heels and fake it 'til I make it.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>P.S. But here is the other thing. We were all sitting outside the other night, playing Johnny Cash and laughing about "Understanding Our Man." difficult child did not find it funny. She found it goofy.</p><p></p><p>We turned it off and went back inside.</p><p></p><p>************</p><p></p><p>After I posted, I realized that husband and I are just going to have to be who we are trying to get to be whether difficult child feels awkward or not. Just as difficult child is not who we envisioned, we don't have to be anywhere near who difficult child wants to believe we still are.</p><p></p><p>That is the source of my resentment. That I can no longer play and be irresponsible with husband. In our own house. With our own stuff and our own money. Because we keep replacing things for difficult child, or wondering what this next fiasco with difficult child is going to cost, or planning for how to raise an adolescent if difficult child messes up again.</p><p></p><p>With all these responsible things we are determined to accomplish, how can we be as irresponsible as we would like to be?</p><p></p><p>Not very pretty.</p><p></p><p>But that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.</p><p></p><p>Thank goodness this site is anonymous.</p><p></p><p>Cedar slinks away to find her high heels.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>Oh, whatever. Here I am, responding to my own post, again.</p><p></p><p>What it is, is that it makes adult children uncomfortable to see their parents being affectionate, to see them laughing and living lives that have absolutely nothing to do with parenting. Or with displaying what passes for wisdom <u>while</u> we are parenting. (I've decided wisdom, at mine and husband's ages, has to do with being irresponsible. It has to do with false eyelashes and sparkly underwear and drinking too much sometimes and PLAYING.)</p><p></p><p>Guys? I may never bake another cookie.</p><p></p><p>**************</p><p></p><p>And one more observation: That laughing and fooling around husband and I used to do is where we came away with enough strength to look at the rest of this head on. No wonder we feel so crummy and bickersome, lately.</p><p></p><p>I apologize for sort of highjacking your post, Dammit.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 605182, member: 1721"] That's the frustrating thing about adult kids moving home. We see a way out that they refuse to take...but, whether with our money or our irreplaceable time, we find ourselves paying for their poor choices. Like you, I get involved in all the little details. I should be happily involved in my own and husband's joys and concerns. It's so darn hard to do that! We really have nothing to say about the kids' finances or lifestyles. Why, I haven't thought about high heels, false eyelashes, or anything sparkly since difficult child came home. In a way, that's the true cost of all this for us. We aren't enough of ourselves to play around with who we are or who we might like to think about being, when we have to be serious adults who are supposed to be all wise and whatever. Grrr.... Someone needs to write a song about how Grandmas and Grandpas just want to have fun. :O) How long until difficult child (and mouse) move back in with difficult child's S.O.? And here's the other thing. By the time whichever family member it is finally have themselves together enough to leave our homes? We have major adjustments to make, before we get back to enjoying the rhythms of our own lives enough to reclaim playfulness. It's tough. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the appropriate response. Burning resentment? No, that wouldn't be good. Total, cheery acceptance? Rereading Joel Osteen? Admitting I don't have a clue, and am just going to have to muddle through as best I know? Yeah, doggone it. That seems to be what I want to do. Then, I spend a lot of time going through everything with husband, whose response is getting to be, more and more, "I don't care what they do, as long as they don't do it from here. And don't expect me to pay for it." Which they are, and do, of course. I swear? If I [U]did[/U] buy something sparkly or wear false eyelashes? Not only am I sort of too depressed to carry that off, these days? But I don't think husband would even notice. How crummy is that?!? There has to be a center, a place of strength from which we can simply do the right thing without resentment. These are people who matter to us. I suppose the way to do it is to realize we had another choice, but we made this one. I am trying really hard to find that place. Guess I will dig out those high heels and fake it 'til I make it. :O) Cedar P.S. But here is the other thing. We were all sitting outside the other night, playing Johnny Cash and laughing about "Understanding Our Man." difficult child did not find it funny. She found it goofy. We turned it off and went back inside. ************ After I posted, I realized that husband and I are just going to have to be who we are trying to get to be whether difficult child feels awkward or not. Just as difficult child is not who we envisioned, we don't have to be anywhere near who difficult child wants to believe we still are. That is the source of my resentment. That I can no longer play and be irresponsible with husband. In our own house. With our own stuff and our own money. Because we keep replacing things for difficult child, or wondering what this next fiasco with difficult child is going to cost, or planning for how to raise an adolescent if difficult child messes up again. With all these responsible things we are determined to accomplish, how can we be as irresponsible as we would like to be? Not very pretty. But that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. Thank goodness this site is anonymous. Cedar slinks away to find her high heels. :O) **************** Oh, whatever. Here I am, responding to my own post, again. What it is, is that it makes adult children uncomfortable to see their parents being affectionate, to see them laughing and living lives that have absolutely nothing to do with parenting. Or with displaying what passes for wisdom [U]while[/U] we are parenting. (I've decided wisdom, at mine and husband's ages, has to do with being irresponsible. It has to do with false eyelashes and sparkly underwear and drinking too much sometimes and PLAYING.) Guys? I may never bake another cookie. ************** And one more observation: That laughing and fooling around husband and I used to do is where we came away with enough strength to look at the rest of this head on. No wonder we feel so crummy and bickersome, lately. I apologize for sort of highjacking your post, Dammit. :O) [/QUOTE]
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