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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 41508" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Michelle, you shouldn't put up with this level of unhappiness. This doesn't mean you have to leave him, but it does mean you should try to change things. Don't try to change him, but the way you all relate to each other. THAT can at least be attempted. </p><p></p><p>How is HE feeling? From what you say, he sounds frustrated and not in control of his own reactions. How would he react if you said to him, "This isn't working out - do you want to try to work to put things right the way we used to be, or do you just want to call it quits?"</p><p></p><p>If he's like a lot of blokes, he probably doesn't even realise that you are unhappy. He may need the wake-up call. But if he IS unhappy, you need to be prepared for him to not want to try, and accept that he may walk away. If he DOES just want to walk away given the opportunity then he wouldn't be with you for the long haul anyway, maybe it's better for him to leave sooner rather than later - here is where YOU have to be OK with this possibility before you approach him.</p><p></p><p>But if he is willing to work at things, the sooner you start the better, for all of you, including difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I would take the risk and talk to him, choose your moment well and pick a time when he's relaxed and you have uninterrupted time together to talk frankly and calmly. Give him the benefit of the doubt, that he will be prepared to work at improving the family relationships. </p><p></p><p>There are several possible outcomes from approaching him:</p><p></p><p>1) He will get angry and storm out, because HE isn't doing anything wrong, it's YOUR lax parenting that has led to a difficult child (in which case, you would never agree and the sooner you know, the sooner you can re-start your life)</p><p></p><p>2) He will listen, maybe feel he's being got at a bit, be unwilling to try counselling "because it's for wimps" but at least acknowledge that you and he are not on the same page (you have room for continuing negotiation, hope is not completely lost)</p><p></p><p>3) He will be relieved because he thought you were OK with how he does things but he feels uncomfortable and hates the screaming matches and is prepared to work with whoever and whatever it takes (best outcome)</p><p></p><p>4) He will readily agree that he isn't coping and use it as an excuse to walk away. Once again, the sooner you know he has feet of clay, the better.</p><p></p><p>You need to have yourself sorted out so you know how you would cope financially and emotionally if he DOES say he wants to leave, but at least this way you are giving him and your relationship every chance. If you give it all a chance and he still leaves, then it's not your fault, you did the right thing. If this fixes things (or puts the relationship on the gurney, at least, so someone else can help you fix things) then this also is a win situation.</p><p></p><p>But none of you should have to live with the current pain and emotional abuse. Being trapped because of financial need would complicate the picture, but thinking about it at least will help you make plans to be free of the pain, one way or another. You love this man, there has to be something about him that made you want to commit to him. The middle child thing - you should be able to live with this, if he can get that chip off his shoulder. The world is full of middle children, we all have to find ways to not let things like this rule our lives. We have to rise above it and do well in spite of our upbringing, sometimes. It's not set in concrete - we can change, but it has to be an individual choice. This can be influenced with counselling, but from outside the relationship. </p><p></p><p>Good luck. Don't forget that he chose to marry you, knowing you have a difficult child. There has to be something in that, too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 41508, member: 1991"] Michelle, you shouldn't put up with this level of unhappiness. This doesn't mean you have to leave him, but it does mean you should try to change things. Don't try to change him, but the way you all relate to each other. THAT can at least be attempted. How is HE feeling? From what you say, he sounds frustrated and not in control of his own reactions. How would he react if you said to him, "This isn't working out - do you want to try to work to put things right the way we used to be, or do you just want to call it quits?" If he's like a lot of blokes, he probably doesn't even realise that you are unhappy. He may need the wake-up call. But if he IS unhappy, you need to be prepared for him to not want to try, and accept that he may walk away. If he DOES just want to walk away given the opportunity then he wouldn't be with you for the long haul anyway, maybe it's better for him to leave sooner rather than later - here is where YOU have to be OK with this possibility before you approach him. But if he is willing to work at things, the sooner you start the better, for all of you, including difficult child. I would take the risk and talk to him, choose your moment well and pick a time when he's relaxed and you have uninterrupted time together to talk frankly and calmly. Give him the benefit of the doubt, that he will be prepared to work at improving the family relationships. There are several possible outcomes from approaching him: 1) He will get angry and storm out, because HE isn't doing anything wrong, it's YOUR lax parenting that has led to a difficult child (in which case, you would never agree and the sooner you know, the sooner you can re-start your life) 2) He will listen, maybe feel he's being got at a bit, be unwilling to try counselling "because it's for wimps" but at least acknowledge that you and he are not on the same page (you have room for continuing negotiation, hope is not completely lost) 3) He will be relieved because he thought you were OK with how he does things but he feels uncomfortable and hates the screaming matches and is prepared to work with whoever and whatever it takes (best outcome) 4) He will readily agree that he isn't coping and use it as an excuse to walk away. Once again, the sooner you know he has feet of clay, the better. You need to have yourself sorted out so you know how you would cope financially and emotionally if he DOES say he wants to leave, but at least this way you are giving him and your relationship every chance. If you give it all a chance and he still leaves, then it's not your fault, you did the right thing. If this fixes things (or puts the relationship on the gurney, at least, so someone else can help you fix things) then this also is a win situation. But none of you should have to live with the current pain and emotional abuse. Being trapped because of financial need would complicate the picture, but thinking about it at least will help you make plans to be free of the pain, one way or another. You love this man, there has to be something about him that made you want to commit to him. The middle child thing - you should be able to live with this, if he can get that chip off his shoulder. The world is full of middle children, we all have to find ways to not let things like this rule our lives. We have to rise above it and do well in spite of our upbringing, sometimes. It's not set in concrete - we can change, but it has to be an individual choice. This can be influenced with counselling, but from outside the relationship. Good luck. Don't forget that he chose to marry you, knowing you have a difficult child. There has to be something in that, too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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