Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by LovingAbbey, May 5, 2007.
I really need to know if anyone out there who has a difficult child is happily married!!
I have been happily married for almost 6 years to my wonderful husband, whom I have known for almost 30 years and when we first were married, both of my boys were difficult children. The oldest, now 20 and a wonderful young man, had been diagnosis'd with ODD and the youngest, now 14, with ADHD. As the oldest matured, the ODD seemed to just go away with his maturing. The youngest is now living with his dad (his choice) and doing wonderfully.
husband and I have had our moments, but only one where I wanted out, not him. I didn't feel like it was fair to him to have to deal with the fallout of difficult children. But he said he loved me and that while the boys were hard to deal with, they would someday be out of the house and it would just be us. It's not easy at times to keep your relationship strong when dealing with them, but with a lot of communication AND being on the same page at all times, we've come thru it just fine. We've had to have the oldest leave our home for almost a year...he was homeless, broke and basically a loser. After a lot of thought and growing up, he asked to come back late last year, on our terms, and is doing great now. He's very polite, respectful and great to be around now. Had we let him just stay here and continue down the path he was on I don't think he would appreciate what he has now.
It's a long, hard road, but it can be done. I'm sure there will be others along soon that agree with me and some that won't. Everyone is different and each relationship is different. Mine is different because husband is the stepdad to mine and there's a lot of stuff to deal with with just that going on.
Also, I didn't get married until I was 43 and had been in love with my husband for all of those years, even when we were apart and with other people. I just decided that my marriage to him is the biggest blessing in my life, in addition to my kids, and I was going to make it my top priority.
I would like to think I'm happily married and I have two difficult children. But, we have had to endure some very rough times right from the beginning when it came to our children. I got married at 25 and had my first child when I was nearly 30. It was so important to me to have my marriage established first and have a stable home (something I was denied as a child).
And, I still got difficult children!
Yes, there were times when I just wanted to run away and I still have those moments. From husband, the difficult children, the life that was bestowed me through no choice of mine.
I'll be married twenty years on the 17th of this month. Probably the one characteristic that has served me best in this rollercoaster of a life, and marriage, of mine is a sense of humor. Now, husband and I have this "us against them" attitude when it comes to our difficult children. We seriously cannot wait until they are out of the house and HOPEFULLY living on their own being decent citizens.
We also try to take one trip a year by ourselves. Even if it's just an overnighter.
Works for us.
Im not really married but we have been together so long most consider us married. We have lived together for almost 23 years. Judge Judy just wouldnt approve...lol.
For the most part I guess we are happy. This weekend isnt a good time to be asking me this question...sigh. I know he isnt going anywhere and he wants me to be happy and healthy and has put up with so much from me. He tries to take care of me well. Im not easy. He worries a lot about me physically and emotionally.
I really wish it was just the two of us because I think we might be happier. But that may be a pipe dream.
I'm not sure. husband is a workaholic and totally avoids any kind of confrontation or conflict at home. Ironically, he's great at neg. biz deals and loves that sort of banter.
He's got a great heart. He's also got a 6 pp. resume, most of which lists (single spaced) volunteer positions in the community. He has a Messiah Complex. Maybe he's running away from his issues by working and volunteering, just as I ran away last night to stay with-a friend and take a deep breath.
I am an introvert. He is an extreme extrovert.
We have had this issue since we were first married so the difficult child issue is just another layer.
husband and I have worked at being married in a good healthy functional way for 25yrs. It's a constant work in progress. At the end of the day, I would rather spend 2 hrs with him than 8 hrs with anyone else. He is a friend. I think that is happy and married.
I was happily married to my difficult children' father but he died nearly 11 years ago. I remarried in 1998 and have a great marriage despite the difficult children. He is a great stepdad and husband. We make sure to spend time together doing things we love like dancing, going out for drinks and talking, etc. We each have our own "thing" to do that is just for us (mine is singing in a group and his is playing fiddle) and I think that helps a lot. I think it is important to be involved in something where you are just you, not identified as someone's wife, mother, child, etc.
I don't know anything except being married. We were married at nineteen; been married 37 years +. I don't know if we're "happily" married. He would say YES, but I dunno, we just ARE married. We don't argue and fight, never have, it just IS. Does anyone know what I mean?
I am now, but had to divorce the adult difficult child first!!!
Happily married is a continual work in progress. Marriage, in my mind, is a promise - for better & worse kind of thing.
I doubt anyone is "happily" married every day of their lives. My marriage has it's ups & downs with a lot of everyday stuff in between. For the most part, I can count on husband & for the most part, he can count on me. We support each other.
We look forward to our weekly games of majong on Friday & Saturday evenings & our monthly respite for time alone with one another. With marriage counseling over the last year our relationship has grown to a new understanding of the needs of ourselves & each other.
In the end, when all is said & done, I believe that we have a good marriage.
I love and trust my husband like noone else ever prior in my life. He has been the first person to stick it out with me... He is my best friend. He has faults... but he tries so hard to be a good guy. He would do anything to make my life and our daughters better. He always puts us first!
He really makes me look at myself and try... I struggle to not give up at times. Due to my past and being abandoned. But he makes me continue.
We have been together 8 years... I never thought I would get married or have kids. He changed that... He had to push me a bit to get married. We have been married 4 years, now.
I waited until I was almost 30 to settle down... and have kids. I am glad. Despite still having g'sfg.
I think some day's I am the luckiest person in the world!!! I really never thought I would find a guy who was truly in love with me, despite all of my faults!!!
I was happily married until difficult child was born. husband is not easy child's bio father but has been the only father in easy child's life. easy child's bio dad never saw him had not interest to, but refused to sign rights away so husband could adopt him. Because..."if he ever wanted to find me when he grew up he wouldn't be able to" ???? huh?? He knows his name and where he lives??? Anyway. All the good things we had disappeared when difficult child was born. That is his only focus for 12 years. We have never, ever gone away together alone without difficult child since he was born. husband continually believes difficult child over me. difficult child does not talk to husband the way he talks to me. This past week was a perfect example. Since I deal with school, I get the phone calls, I do the psychiatrist, therapist and pediatrician doctor appointment.'s I get all the info. I do the IEP, and all other school meetings, yet husband believes difficult child, difficult child will say I am lying. So...after this past horrible difficult child week, I gave husband a choice last night. His marriage or difficult child's lies. We haven't spoken since. difficult child lies so much that I believe he believes his own lies. And I am caught in the middle as the bad guy. What would happen if I left???, we would lose our house, husband could never afford to live on his own. difficult child would be forced to choose. And, what would happen to difficult child if he wanted to be with husband? easy child makes more money than husband. I am stuck, regardless of his answer, I really do not have a choice. I didn't let husband know that, just gave him the choice last night. So..after the difficult child week, lies, not doing school work..difficult child took him to the batting cages to play ball, buy a new baseball bat and get new shoes. Hey...it was MY birthday two weeks ago, I got a card. My joints hurt so bad, sometimes I have to take one arm and move the other, yet if husband comes home and I am laying on couch I get yelled at. I worked 3rd shift for two years, then I worked second shift for two years, now I work Midnight to noon three days a week. It isn't easy to work when everyone else is sleeping, and then be expected to stay awake and do all the other things husband and difficult child expect. Hard enough just to stay awake and deal with school. All husband has to do is go to work and pick up difficult child after school. Expects groceries, bills paid, school and doctor appointment's taken care of. It is just overwhelming. I use to work out...when can I do that?? Now there are soccer games every saturday and sunday, baseball games three nights a week(there goes my sleep) Happily married??hah. I would be much happier taking care of myself.
Put me on the list of not's
Married 7 yrs next mth, after we said I do my then 11 yr old easy child turned into a difficult child
I believe we are still together now only because after dealing with all my difficult child's antics I had no strength left to get a divorce
My difficult child is on his own now, we ~ no I mean I ~ have voiced my desire for a divorce quite often.
He deals with my request the same way he dealt with difficult child troubles, ignore it and it will go away
I was happily married to my best friend. Man, I was head over heels for him. After Pixie was born, I saw the decline of the marriage. First there was my post-natal psychosis. Then the loss of his job. Then he strayed. It got worse and worse. Then I started using pot again. We had to split.
I see him now, and I would never want to go back to being with him. He is irresponsible and he just had another kid with someone else (folks, that is EIGHT kids with FIVE women). He is not supporting any of his kids. (I know, I am a moron for getting involved with him in the forst place, but what is done is done).
There are times I miss things like pillow talk, but I am happier being single than I ever could have imagined. No arguing over rules of the house. No undermining of punishments. No toilet seats left up (wheee). To be honest, I am so busy with my health issues and Pixie that I don't even have the time or energy to pursue a relationship.
I have been married for almost 11 years (my H is my dds' stepdad) and I would say that we are 'mostly' happy. lol
We've had some very difficult and trying times, both due to difficult child and just our stuff. It IS a work in progress. When I think about in a few years when my girls are grown and on their own, I think that H and I will be happier...IF he continues to be sober and IF we continue to try and respect one another's difference of opinion. We're both very independent and definitely do not see eye to eye on everything. We both have had major trust issues but we're okay. I'd say that right now we're in a holding pattern and we're becoming better 'friends' - I would like it to be more than just that (I'd love to have some of the old passion back <blush>. It is hard to explain here in this little box, but H takes a long time to make decisions and his old fashioned upbringing often gets in our way, but I have my controlling issues to contend with as well. So...no it's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't think any marriages are today. Each party comes to a marriage with different expectations and it's hard to compromise when both parties are trying to be in charge, Know what I mean?? Having a difficult child, in my opinion, just serves to compound those already existing conditions and that makes it hard.
However, all that said, neither H not I are abusive in any way and I know that we genuinely love and respect one another and we want to grow old together. We're proud of the way we raised our daughters and he's been more implemental in that regard more than I give him credit for at times. H is a stand up kind of guy, he's a hard worker, he takes his responsibilities and committments very seriously and he comes hom every night. All of that is more than I can say about my relationship with exh and the kind of father he's been.
Each relationship is different and what you bring to it is just as important as what you get from it, and vice versa.
Yes, I would say we are. We have been married 27 years and been together 29 years. We do love each other very much. Like everyone else, we have our ups and downs. However, we both trust each other very much and that is the basis for our love - we try to do what is best for us versus what is best for me.
easy child is our oldest child and was just a joy to be with - still is - very responsible, loving and just an over all stand up kinda guy.
difficult child was born 5 years later and was easy until he became 15 and then...I just don't know. He still has the potential to become a stand up kinda guy, if only will.
husband and I don't always agree on the way to deal with difficult child. Now that he is an adult, lives away from home and wants little to no contact with us, it is easier.
It would take someone pretty amazing for me to marry again and I just don't think he exists.
Add me to the happily married list.
I'm coming to learn that this is even more unusual because husband has borderline personality disorder. Its funny, reading Explosive Child now and realizing that I've been using the 'basket' method far more with my husband than with my kids!
For all of our challenges, though - we love each other strongly. My day is just better, having him in the room. We've been married for 14 years and are high school sweethearts. It took us a handful of years to find our stride, but now that we've found it - we make one amazing team.
I HAVE to TOTALLY agree! I mean, dang..I do it alone enough now, that it would probably not be that much harder! But, then there are days like today when he has had difficult child ALL day. Yes, he totally will be over stimmed tomorrow after a day of SpiderMan 3 Movie and playing with cousins with little supervision...but I did get a day of peace!
I second that statement. I am amazed at the stories of spouses being the step dad of difficult child's. I don't think there is any man out there I could trust enough not to beat my difficult child when he is having one of his difficult child moments. Neither me or my kids has ever been physically abused, but I can't imagine any man being able to keep his cool during one of my difficult child's rages. Heck, I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, and love him more than I ever knew you could love before I had kids, and sometimes I want to beat him! I wouldn't even trust his bio dad to be alone with him, even if he wanted to (which he doesn't).
Separate names with a comma.