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Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687299" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You are very, very hard on yourself, Walrus. This must change, I believe.</p><p>Walrus, you may or may not have read some of my posts about my mother and our relationship over the years. There were decades we did not speak or see each other. When I thought about her (rarely) it was with indifference. Occasionally, I thought she might be dead, and I was indifferent. It was as if I had killed her off already in my head.</p><p></p><p>When I adopted my son I reached out to my sister and renewed contact with my mother. For the last 23 years of my mother's life we had contact, largely by phone. And still there was a year or so long period without contact. I refused to allow her to reject or mistreat me. I did it right back.</p><p></p><p>So, I have a dirty little secret too. That I kept from myself and everybody else all those years. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. As she was dying I fell in love with her and all of the feeling I had buried most of my life came out and the person I was drowned in it. </p><p></p><p>I have not been the same person. That person died. I realize now I constructed that person based as much upon a lie as any truth.</p><p>As I read your posts I strongly identify with you and your pain. I heartily endorse your desire both to protect yourself <em>and your daughter </em>by taking the high road. </p><p></p><p>Even though what I did cost me what it cost, I did not and do not still see another road that I could have taken. In any relationship with my mother or my sister I was the sacrificial lamb. It was not just that they set it up that way (they did). I was built that way, too. As If I am in my interior a gum drop machine or a mechanical pony outside a market. I sign to have an on switch, and I operate on command. </p><p></p><p>So at the end of the day I had suppressed the greatest of love for my mother, in order to live a moderately normal life. </p><p>The thing is you really do not know what is going on inside of her or can go on inside of her<em> because she does not know. </em></p><p></p><p>My son is older, 27. Last night he came home from a walk in tears. He said: Mom, for the first time in my life I did evil. What? </p><p></p><p>A 22 year girl had broken into where he was staying in order to take a nap. (Not the best neighborhood and the girl was homeless.) He called the cops and he pressed charges.</p><p></p><p>Mom, you and M wouldn't have pressed charges. I know you wouldn't. </p><p></p><p>You do not know what we would have done. You might well have helped the girl to know there are consequences to her poor choices. </p><p></p><p>He is showing some of the compassion and caring that I had thought was long gone. I am grateful for it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687299, member: 18958"] You are very, very hard on yourself, Walrus. This must change, I believe. Walrus, you may or may not have read some of my posts about my mother and our relationship over the years. There were decades we did not speak or see each other. When I thought about her (rarely) it was with indifference. Occasionally, I thought she might be dead, and I was indifferent. It was as if I had killed her off already in my head. When I adopted my son I reached out to my sister and renewed contact with my mother. For the last 23 years of my mother's life we had contact, largely by phone. And still there was a year or so long period without contact. I refused to allow her to reject or mistreat me. I did it right back. So, I have a dirty little secret too. That I kept from myself and everybody else all those years. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. As she was dying I fell in love with her and all of the feeling I had buried most of my life came out and the person I was drowned in it. I have not been the same person. That person died. I realize now I constructed that person based as much upon a lie as any truth. As I read your posts I strongly identify with you and your pain. I heartily endorse your desire both to protect yourself [I]and your daughter [/I]by taking the high road. Even though what I did cost me what it cost, I did not and do not still see another road that I could have taken. In any relationship with my mother or my sister I was the sacrificial lamb. It was not just that they set it up that way (they did). I was built that way, too. As If I am in my interior a gum drop machine or a mechanical pony outside a market. I sign to have an on switch, and I operate on command. So at the end of the day I had suppressed the greatest of love for my mother, in order to live a moderately normal life. The thing is you really do not know what is going on inside of her or can go on inside of her[I] because she does not know. [/I] My son is older, 27. Last night he came home from a walk in tears. He said: Mom, for the first time in my life I did evil. What? A 22 year girl had broken into where he was staying in order to take a nap. (Not the best neighborhood and the girl was homeless.) He called the cops and he pressed charges. Mom, you and M wouldn't have pressed charges. I know you wouldn't. You do not know what we would have done. You might well have helped the girl to know there are consequences to her poor choices. He is showing some of the compassion and caring that I had thought was long gone. I am grateful for it. [/QUOTE]
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