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Is it the medications???
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 25060" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the subject of why can they hold themselves together away from home, then behave horribly to us - it's common. What I think is happening - they know we love them unconditionally and it's the people they are closest to, the ones they most take for granted, that they relax their guard with. They CAn hold it together but not always. Only for shorter times and only with huge effort. That effort comes at a cost, which is a backlash when they finally relax and let go. And we tend to cop the backlash.</p><p></p><p>What we did seems paradoxic, but it worked for us. We simply stopped stressing so much about any behaviour that seemed to be backlash or stress-related. As much as possible we ignored it. If we had to say something we spoke gently and calmly, in total contrast. We did our best to never shout back or loudly get angry. The result - in time, difficult child relaxed, felt more secure, less on edge even at home and it then became easier to hold it together at home because he wasn't constantly being criticised like he was at school. He might come home after a bad day and rage at me, usually beginning with, "I HATE Mrs C_. She's been mean to me all day. And I HATE Peter. I want to smash his face in! I HATE Teresa..." and so on. Depending on how I handled it, the rage would escalate and include me, or I could help calm him down until he could tell me why he was angry. But if I chastised him for speaking about other people like that while he was still venting, I would lose my chance to find out why. And WHY is important with him because it's so hard to find anything out when he has trouble communicating.</p><p>Often once he'd vented he calmed down enough to begin to see that maybe he was being a bit unreasonable. usually, though, I had to wait until I had more information (from the teacher, from the Communication Book and from my 'spies' among the other kids) before I could begin to defuse the problems. But by my helping him to defuse, he learned to see that I was a helper, not an obstacle.</p><p></p><p>Relax the rules, and the rules end up getting followed anyway, if you set the example instead of give back what she gives you. Sounds weird but it can work.</p><p></p><p>Concerning her blaming the medications - she's trying to find a reason and is frustrated and angry with herself as much as with anyone. difficult child 3, soon after he was told about his autism diagnosis, began to say to his teacher, "I wasn't able to do that task, because of my autism."</p><p>The teacher's response was to be critical of me for having told difficult child 3 about his autism (but he had to know). But what was really happening - difficult child 3 was TRYING to get his own handle on himself and where his problems were compared to his abilities. He wasn't making excuses, merely explanations. He knew that having autism meant that he can't just walk away from something that's difficult, he just has to work harder than other kids to get it right. That's not fair, but life isn't fair. Besides, other things come easier to him than other kids, because of his autism. We love him as he is, but he has to learn to get on with people in this world, so he has to learn to fit in even if it's a sham. Meanwhile, if he can explain to people that a certain task is difficult and could they give him a bit of help, it's no different than me asking someone to run an errand for me because my legs won't take me there in time.</p><p></p><p>I know you want to help your daughter. The trouble is, she's a package deal. Her problems are a mix and they're interconnected because they are an integral part of who she is. You have to love the whole package, even while you're trying to minimise the impact of some of these aspects to her.</p><p></p><p>There isn't a remedy that will perfectly fix one problem and not touch something else. Treating a medical condition is not like adapting a recipe for salad dressing. With salad dressing you add vinegar, and oil, to taste. Maybe a bit of salt and some herbs, for flavour. Each ingredient can be varied in quantity and even left out. Each ingredient tastes different to the others. Each ingredient is tasted on a different part of the tongue.</p><p></p><p>When you treat one part of the child's problems, you are going to affect other, apparently unrelated problems. With difficult child 3, we were told he has ADHD and autism. We treat the ADHD with medications, but this has also had an amazing positive benefit to his autism. When he had an allergic reaction to some cough medicine he had to take antihistamines to stop the hives. But the antihistamines affected his treatment for ADHD, which then followed on to hamper his speech (via the problems with his autism).</p><p>Everything was connected and the balance got thrown out even with apparently unrelated medications.</p><p></p><p>When your doctor treats your child he makes a judgement on which medication regime will have the best outcome overall. Much as we'd like to, it's very hit and miss to try to treat one facet with priority and not worry about another bit.</p><p></p><p>We dealt with the ODD symptoms not with medications, but with behaviour management that we worked out for ourselves, and then with help from a good psychologist. But if he hadn't been taking his medications for ADHD it would have been more difficult for us.</p><p></p><p>But that's our son. Your daughter will be different because kids always are. it's a lot of trial and error trying to get a good treatment regime going. And it's not all medication, and it's not all the child. Even if our other children are perfect and we would qualify as the best parents in the world, sometimes we have to change the way we do things in order to be better able to direct and teach better behaviour, in a way that this particular child can take on board.</p><p></p><p>She has a lot of problems and I have no easy answers for you. I'm sorry. You really have your hands full, especially if she's not talking to therapists when she really needs to. From her point of view, it's all very immediate. She can't see that SHE needs to take control of her health and to do this, she has to open up. If only she would you would be able to give her more control over her own health care, at least by being able to talk openly and frankly about it. Until she can, it sounds like you are doing as much as you can. I'm just concerned that you're maybe expecting too many miracles from the medication, when there is much more to this, it seems.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 25060, member: 1991"] On the subject of why can they hold themselves together away from home, then behave horribly to us - it's common. What I think is happening - they know we love them unconditionally and it's the people they are closest to, the ones they most take for granted, that they relax their guard with. They CAn hold it together but not always. Only for shorter times and only with huge effort. That effort comes at a cost, which is a backlash when they finally relax and let go. And we tend to cop the backlash. What we did seems paradoxic, but it worked for us. We simply stopped stressing so much about any behaviour that seemed to be backlash or stress-related. As much as possible we ignored it. If we had to say something we spoke gently and calmly, in total contrast. We did our best to never shout back or loudly get angry. The result - in time, difficult child relaxed, felt more secure, less on edge even at home and it then became easier to hold it together at home because he wasn't constantly being criticised like he was at school. He might come home after a bad day and rage at me, usually beginning with, "I HATE Mrs C_. She's been mean to me all day. And I HATE Peter. I want to smash his face in! I HATE Teresa..." and so on. Depending on how I handled it, the rage would escalate and include me, or I could help calm him down until he could tell me why he was angry. But if I chastised him for speaking about other people like that while he was still venting, I would lose my chance to find out why. And WHY is important with him because it's so hard to find anything out when he has trouble communicating. Often once he'd vented he calmed down enough to begin to see that maybe he was being a bit unreasonable. usually, though, I had to wait until I had more information (from the teacher, from the Communication Book and from my 'spies' among the other kids) before I could begin to defuse the problems. But by my helping him to defuse, he learned to see that I was a helper, not an obstacle. Relax the rules, and the rules end up getting followed anyway, if you set the example instead of give back what she gives you. Sounds weird but it can work. Concerning her blaming the medications - she's trying to find a reason and is frustrated and angry with herself as much as with anyone. difficult child 3, soon after he was told about his autism diagnosis, began to say to his teacher, "I wasn't able to do that task, because of my autism." The teacher's response was to be critical of me for having told difficult child 3 about his autism (but he had to know). But what was really happening - difficult child 3 was TRYING to get his own handle on himself and where his problems were compared to his abilities. He wasn't making excuses, merely explanations. He knew that having autism meant that he can't just walk away from something that's difficult, he just has to work harder than other kids to get it right. That's not fair, but life isn't fair. Besides, other things come easier to him than other kids, because of his autism. We love him as he is, but he has to learn to get on with people in this world, so he has to learn to fit in even if it's a sham. Meanwhile, if he can explain to people that a certain task is difficult and could they give him a bit of help, it's no different than me asking someone to run an errand for me because my legs won't take me there in time. I know you want to help your daughter. The trouble is, she's a package deal. Her problems are a mix and they're interconnected because they are an integral part of who she is. You have to love the whole package, even while you're trying to minimise the impact of some of these aspects to her. There isn't a remedy that will perfectly fix one problem and not touch something else. Treating a medical condition is not like adapting a recipe for salad dressing. With salad dressing you add vinegar, and oil, to taste. Maybe a bit of salt and some herbs, for flavour. Each ingredient can be varied in quantity and even left out. Each ingredient tastes different to the others. Each ingredient is tasted on a different part of the tongue. When you treat one part of the child's problems, you are going to affect other, apparently unrelated problems. With difficult child 3, we were told he has ADHD and autism. We treat the ADHD with medications, but this has also had an amazing positive benefit to his autism. When he had an allergic reaction to some cough medicine he had to take antihistamines to stop the hives. But the antihistamines affected his treatment for ADHD, which then followed on to hamper his speech (via the problems with his autism). Everything was connected and the balance got thrown out even with apparently unrelated medications. When your doctor treats your child he makes a judgement on which medication regime will have the best outcome overall. Much as we'd like to, it's very hit and miss to try to treat one facet with priority and not worry about another bit. We dealt with the ODD symptoms not with medications, but with behaviour management that we worked out for ourselves, and then with help from a good psychologist. But if he hadn't been taking his medications for ADHD it would have been more difficult for us. But that's our son. Your daughter will be different because kids always are. it's a lot of trial and error trying to get a good treatment regime going. And it's not all medication, and it's not all the child. Even if our other children are perfect and we would qualify as the best parents in the world, sometimes we have to change the way we do things in order to be better able to direct and teach better behaviour, in a way that this particular child can take on board. She has a lot of problems and I have no easy answers for you. I'm sorry. You really have your hands full, especially if she's not talking to therapists when she really needs to. From her point of view, it's all very immediate. She can't see that SHE needs to take control of her health and to do this, she has to open up. If only she would you would be able to give her more control over her own health care, at least by being able to talk openly and frankly about it. Until she can, it sounds like you are doing as much as you can. I'm just concerned that you're maybe expecting too many miracles from the medication, when there is much more to this, it seems. Marg [/QUOTE]
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