Is my difficult child Playin' me?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 4timmy, Mar 2, 2011.

  1. 4timmy

    4timmy New Member

    difficult child told me last week that he wanted to go to 7th grade Science Camp but wasn't allowed. I was like, why? He said the teacher told him he had to be on a Level 4 (good behavior) for 20 consecutive days before he was allowed to go. Then today when I dropped him off all of the kids were at the school getting ready to leave for Science Camp and he felt really bad.

    So, I come to work feeling REALLY, REALLY upset that if this was a behavior goal of his that I wasn't informed and on and on and on. I finally wrote the principals, teachers, district Special Education director and expressed how "angry" I was that he wasn't getting the opportunity to go to science camp with his peers............any one else ever do this?

    Ok, so I get an email back saying that the Level of behavior didn't play into this, that he was asked repeatedly throughout the year if he wanted to go to Science Camp and he said "NO" every single time!!! AND the teacher even asked if he was upset today and he said "NO"!!!!!!!!

    OMG!!!! Do you think he was doing this so I'd feel bad and buy him something???? He DID ask for a video that he's been wanting and husband and I have told him no unless he can manage his chores this week.

  2. kfmewes

    kfmewes New Member

    Mine does that to me quite often, too. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether they are playing you or not and, if you are like me, you don't want to take the chance that it is a real issue. I have gotten in the habit of calling his teacher and the school social worker everytime something like this happens. I am pretty sure they are tired of hearing from me by now. Don't feel bad about getting played. As much as it sucks, to me, it still shows that you care about your kids and that you will do what it takes to make sure that they are treated fairly.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Yes. He's playin' ya. Miss KT stopped doing this when I started dragging her along to every single after-school meeting, just so we could all verify exactly what everyone concerned had been told. I usually opened the conversation by saying something like, "I am concerned because Miss KT told me last night that Mr. T said she was not allowed to (fill in the blank) for (this reason). That doesn't make sense to me. Can you explain it to me, please?" And then, it all came out that she was not allowed to do whatever because of something she had not completed, but the only way I got the whole story was to get everyone concerned into one room and ask my questions.

    Mr. T caught on quickly, and when he was told any interesting stories, he reminded her that, "I know your mom, Miss KT, and that just doesn't sound right. Should we schedule a meeting in order to get this cleared up?" No, meeting.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Um - well - he could be playing you - or he could have felt super scared about going to camp and was too embarrassed to tell you and dad that. So he put up a big front as if he was not his choice, but really it because he was too scared to be away from you, or home, or securities?
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It could be that he was playing your or that he didn't understand what he was saying No to or that he changed his mind. Maybe in the future somethng like this needs to be approached by not aksing him if he wants to go but by sending info home so that youa nd difficult child can discuss it and make an informed decision.

    I HATE it when they ask a kid about something like this and assume that he understands what they are asking. How is a child who hasn't gone to know what camp IS? Or to know if it is like summer camp or church camp or boy scout camp or something else? I used to just say I didn't want to go because I had no clue how to navigate the social aspects of tehse things and iddn't have anyone I felt I could ask to help me that way. If I asked a kid I ended up with weeks or months of teasing, so it often seemed like more hassle than it was worth to even try these things. My parents had no clue much of the time - not that they really understood the social dynamics of these things because they didn't go to schools that had these things and they had a close group of family or friends from their small towns that it was very different for them.

    It is often good to remember all the different versions of the truth that your child has told you before you go up to school all fired up with anger. Esp on an issue like this. My dad was a teacher and used to tell parents that he would only believe half of what the kids told him about their parents if they would only believe half of what the kids told the parents about school/the teacher.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't think your difficult child is "playing you" as much as he is trying to 'control the situation'. Science Camp was a variable. It's new - it's different - he's never been - he's not sure what to expect. Can he control Science Camp? Unknown. Can he control his response to Science Camp? Absolutely! Therefore his answer is a resounding "NO!"....No I won't go into a situation that I am not sure I can control!

    Does he feel bad about not going to Science Camp? Depends on who is asking... To somebody who wanted him to go to that uncontrollable situation? the answer is "No - it doesn't bother me to stay behind."

    To you? The answer is "I feel terrible!"

    So...I think you need to talk about it - if you can. What are some strategies he can use next time something like this comes up?

    Maybe a good thing to work on in therapy...
  7. 4timmy

    4timmy New Member

    Well, I finally got to the bottom of it all and it turns out he didn't understand what they were asking nor did he understand that he didn't have to have some behavior goal met in order to go. Very frustrating. Now he just blames it on his "bad memory".... goodness. I asked teachers to let me know when events came up like this AND I had a talk with difficult child and told him to ask questions!!! (I know, probably not gonna happen but one can hope). Definitely a therapy subject for sure.

    I'm not sure had he gone that all would have been OK. He tends to jump right in and then call me an hour or so in and ask for me to come get him. I don't want to just NOT give him the chances to go though either.
  8. totiredtofight

    totiredtofight New Member

    that sounds just like difficult child 1 ... he did the same thing .. told the school he didnt want to go .. told me he wasnt allowed, come to find out he didnt want to go till he found out a certain girl was going then wanted me to "make" the school let him.
  9. HowMuchLonger

    HowMuchLonger New Member

    Both my difficult child 2 and 3 have (forgive me for not remembering the proper terminology) problems with comprehension(?). When they did the woodcock-johnson testing I was SURE it would come back showing both my kids were geniuses! They are both incredibly smart and have enormous vocabularies even from a young age. I was shocked to learn that they could read highly difficult passages but not actually "get" it. UGH the words are on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember what the school called it. Basically their output is above average but anything being inputted is below their age/grade level. Especially difficult child 2, who on top of this issue is also hearing impaired and if not explained properly, clearly, facing him he misses or mishears half of the instructions or what's being asked of him. This has caused a lot of problems for them. One example happened just last evening. The kids were at swimming and difficult child 2 always hands in his hearing aid at the front desk for safe keeping. Afterwards he went up to the desk to get it. He said "I need my hearing aid please" while pointing at his ear. The woman at the desk didn't quite hear him and assumed the pointing to the ear meant he wanted to use the phone. There was another girl on the phone and one waiting behind her so she told difficult child 2 "you'll have to wait in line honey, 2 people are using the phone ahead of you". I could see him trying his best to process this and rather than correct himself or her he just went and stood in line behind the telephone girls. I watched the whole thing to see how he would react. I could tell he was somewhat upset as he feels lost without his hearing aid and now here he was having to WAIT for it!! He was also wondering why on earth he had to wait for the other two to get off the phone in order for him to retrieve his hearing aid and about 4 minutes into the waiting I was still waiting for the light bulb to go never did. I went up to him and explained what had happened and brought him back over to the desk. He was still totally confused and not sure what the heck was going on lol. We got the hearing aid and I waited until we were in the truck to explain to him. It STILL took a full 2 mins before he "got it" and then he laughed. This is an enormously intelligent kid that was just completely confused over such a silly situation.

    I could see this situation happening wiht him. Someone asking if he wanted something/to do something/go somewhere....him not quite processing the full extent of what that entailed and blurting out an answer so as not to embarrass himself by asking questions. Sometimes afterwards the processing has happened and then he's just P.O'd that he answered the wrong way and BAM...meltdown and those of us witnessing are like "well that was unprovoked!"...sometimes these kids make more sense than us adults ;)
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    This sounds just like Eeyore. It isn't manipulation in the true sense. I think Daisy nailed it. Eeyore would have had a mini-panic attack when asked to go and said NO. Then he would have heard his friends get excited about it and he would have wanted to go and been sad (which is what he would have conveyed to us).