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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 36200" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Linda, it's totally understandable for you to feel the way you do. We all go through variations on this sometimes. The thing is, it DOES make it far harder to do the parenting job. It's harder on our kids, especially those who are struggling. It's harder on the therapists who may be excited at progress and we're not seeing it (often because we're too close - grandma notes that little Johnny is so much taller this visit, but Johnny's parents simply didn't notice his growth because they see him every day).</p><p></p><p>Even if they intended it as criticism, don't take it personally. Take it as an expressed concern for your welfare. Because your welfare impacts the kids. </p><p></p><p>I don't know these therapists, so I don't know if my next suggestion is appropriate - think about it from your point of view. Can you use the opportunity to ask the kids' therapists to help YOU get some sort of counselling or support? It's making several things clear - </p><p>1) you're hearing their concern and you share it, because you know you're not happy in yourself</p><p></p><p>2) your feeling like this is not your normal state, you want it fixed</p><p></p><p>3) you need help, support and understanding too - you're not a machine that keeps on going with no need of tinkering or maintenance.</p><p></p><p>I consider myself a fairly strong person emotionally. I avoid psychiatrists and counsellors, for me. I can handle my own moods and thoughts. I'LL be the one to fix me, if things aren't right.</p><p>But when the PTSD hit, I yelled for help. I had to do a lot of digging, shed a lot of embarrassing tears over the phone, put up with a lot of people hugging me when I just wanted to shove them away. And although I got some help, I still walked away once I had things sufficiently under control and used what resources I could to continue the healing.</p><p></p><p>Then ten years later, difficult child 3 was having a lot of problems at school. I was clashing with the teacher (while trying not to) and feeling like a failure. I hunted out a psychologist (not the bloke I'd previously seen) and saw this person for the period that I was having these difficulties. She helped me deal with my resentments, my grief and my self-esteem (which I hadn't realised, had taken a buffetting). Once I got my self-esteem back on track, everything else followed. And my relationship with difficult child 3's teacher improved, I had the confidence to be more insistent with him about difficult child 3's needs but still keep a cordial relationship. Once I had the confidence to take a stand once more, the damage being done to my self-esteem not only stopped, it reversed direction.</p><p></p><p>When you're vulnerable, you are more of a target for uncertainty. This makes it easier for people to dump blame on you, or at least throw it off them. or to even use blame at all - not appropriate as a rule. So being vulnerable makes the problems worse, which makes you more vulnerable. It's like a sheep with fly strike - treat it early, the blowflies don't get too bad, clean up the sheep and it will stay healthy. Don't treat it, the flies get worse, the sheep gets secondary infections, it loses condition. The more condition it loses, the sicker and more vulnerable to further infection and infestation it gets, until it dies; from something so preventable and treatable.</p><p></p><p>Be tough when you can. But when you recognise you're needing help, go out and get it. It's the best thing you can do for your kids, even if you don't feel you're worth doing it for yourself (and you are).</p><p></p><p>If you did a stress test on yourself - the sort where you give yourself a score for every stressful thing you've had during the last 18 months - I suspect you would go off scale (death in the family; change in living circumstances; living with disability in the family; someone in hospital; personal health issues; etc). And now it's catching up with you. Get some independent help, because when you go off scale is when you can't do it for yourself like usual.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 36200, member: 1991"] Linda, it's totally understandable for you to feel the way you do. We all go through variations on this sometimes. The thing is, it DOES make it far harder to do the parenting job. It's harder on our kids, especially those who are struggling. It's harder on the therapists who may be excited at progress and we're not seeing it (often because we're too close - grandma notes that little Johnny is so much taller this visit, but Johnny's parents simply didn't notice his growth because they see him every day). Even if they intended it as criticism, don't take it personally. Take it as an expressed concern for your welfare. Because your welfare impacts the kids. I don't know these therapists, so I don't know if my next suggestion is appropriate - think about it from your point of view. Can you use the opportunity to ask the kids' therapists to help YOU get some sort of counselling or support? It's making several things clear - 1) you're hearing their concern and you share it, because you know you're not happy in yourself 2) your feeling like this is not your normal state, you want it fixed 3) you need help, support and understanding too - you're not a machine that keeps on going with no need of tinkering or maintenance. I consider myself a fairly strong person emotionally. I avoid psychiatrists and counsellors, for me. I can handle my own moods and thoughts. I'LL be the one to fix me, if things aren't right. But when the PTSD hit, I yelled for help. I had to do a lot of digging, shed a lot of embarrassing tears over the phone, put up with a lot of people hugging me when I just wanted to shove them away. And although I got some help, I still walked away once I had things sufficiently under control and used what resources I could to continue the healing. Then ten years later, difficult child 3 was having a lot of problems at school. I was clashing with the teacher (while trying not to) and feeling like a failure. I hunted out a psychologist (not the bloke I'd previously seen) and saw this person for the period that I was having these difficulties. She helped me deal with my resentments, my grief and my self-esteem (which I hadn't realised, had taken a buffetting). Once I got my self-esteem back on track, everything else followed. And my relationship with difficult child 3's teacher improved, I had the confidence to be more insistent with him about difficult child 3's needs but still keep a cordial relationship. Once I had the confidence to take a stand once more, the damage being done to my self-esteem not only stopped, it reversed direction. When you're vulnerable, you are more of a target for uncertainty. This makes it easier for people to dump blame on you, or at least throw it off them. or to even use blame at all - not appropriate as a rule. So being vulnerable makes the problems worse, which makes you more vulnerable. It's like a sheep with fly strike - treat it early, the blowflies don't get too bad, clean up the sheep and it will stay healthy. Don't treat it, the flies get worse, the sheep gets secondary infections, it loses condition. The more condition it loses, the sicker and more vulnerable to further infection and infestation it gets, until it dies; from something so preventable and treatable. Be tough when you can. But when you recognise you're needing help, go out and get it. It's the best thing you can do for your kids, even if you don't feel you're worth doing it for yourself (and you are). If you did a stress test on yourself - the sort where you give yourself a score for every stressful thing you've had during the last 18 months - I suspect you would go off scale (death in the family; change in living circumstances; living with disability in the family; someone in hospital; personal health issues; etc). And now it's catching up with you. Get some independent help, because when you go off scale is when you can't do it for yourself like usual. Marg [/QUOTE]
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