Too many years spent trying to save my two from their own choices. It never worked.
This is what I meant about working on my own recovery, not going back to the old me, the old ways of desperately trying to stop the train wreck. Then it was realizing I could not save them but still dying inside. I have come a long way from that feeling, and I surely don’t want to go back. I don’t think for one second that there is anything I can do or say that will change my daughter’s choices. I love them, but my love, or sacrificing myself will not save them.
This is true. It is “just another Tuesday”. Tornado texted last night looking for her Temu order. She probably does not even remember that tearful phone call and I know now that she did not go to detox. It is what it is.
It was a splash.
The foundation is there and it is up to her to build on it. She will choose as she does. I have no control over that, but I do have control over my response. Of course, my initial reaction is sorrow, but I have not gone to the depths of it as in the past. Writing here and the kind answers help. It is a good thing to process the journey, as I have written before trying to be stoic has not worked well for me health-wise. As for relationship mending, the relationship is there, she knows I love her, but I cannot and will not meet her in the corner she has chosen. That is not safe for me and my household. There is a sort of synchronicity to this. When Tornado works towards sobriety, I cautiously interact with her. When she has relapsed, her norm is to disappear onto the streets. She normally does not call or text, and though the not knowing can be difficult, it is better than her trying to contact me in that state of mind. I feel a sense of relief when I see that she is in jail. For her sake and mine. I do not want her coming up to my home with her boyfriend and hope that she keeps that boundary. I do not want to interact with her when she is using. I have had more than my fill for that. Some might say I am judgmental but I see it as using good judgment. Meth does horrible things to the mind and conscience. I do not trust her. Plain and simple. That is a consequence of years of dealing with this, the manipulation, lies and stealing. She will remain in my prayers.
I will continue to work at building my armor and staying hopeful that Tornado will eventually be sick and tired of the consequences she faces with drug use. But, I know that sacrificing myself, my life, my joy, and my time will not do a thing towards that outcome.
Thank you Copa for your support and courage to share your thoughts. I truly appreciate your wisdom.
New Leaf
