It Happened...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WSM, Sep 13, 2009.

  1. WSM

    WSM New Member

    husband drinking all day, had a fight in the afternoon because I asked him to get the three arrest reports on his son. I have a specialized security clearance and I need to demonstrate that this kid's accusations are the result of his own problems, not mine. husband refused to believe that I need to report police contact and claimed I was being a drama queen and refused to get them. I had gotten all the reports that have my name and address in them, but I can't get the ones where difficult child was arrested for weapons possession in school. So I asked husband for them, after all I made copies of the reports I got for him. But no he wouldn't. So I shut down.

    After a bit, he asked, are we okay, can I give you a hug? I said no. He went away. He noticed I was fiddling with my camcorder (to make myself feel better I was watching videos of my kids being born). This brought out the paranoia in him. What are you doing? "Minding my own business." Why are you looking at the camcorder, are you gathering evidence. "No, what evidence. Leave me alone." I want to see, let me see your camcorder. "Go away." And he took steps towards me like he was going to grab it, but glanced at my 19 year old lying on the couch and thought better of it. I said, "If you put hands on me, if you touch me I'm calling 911".

    He thought better of it. He'd never done it before.

    DInner came. He made plates for stepson and stepdau. They ate at the breakfast bar. My son19 and son15 were with a friend upstairs in the farthest bedroom playing video games. husband went on the back porch leaving difficult child alone in the kitchen with a knife on the counter. So I got a glass and a coke and some ice and stood at the end of the counter and talked to stepdau. I gave the dog a porkchop bone and she took it to the entryway rug to eat it. husband said from now on people could rub their feet in the rug, something I'd asked them not to do because it's silk. He went on about how the dog was treated better than people. I rolled my eyes, and it just set him off. I was fat, I was lazy, I didn't do anything, why don't I go sit at my computer, get away from his daughter, get away from his daughter. Called me a three time loser, lifted up his shirt showed me his belly and said mine was twice as fat as his (not true). I called him an alcoholic and told him he was obnoxious when he drank, and he said he'd have to drink a whole lot more than this to be as obnoxious as me. He called me psychotic. One of his favorite programs is "Snapped" where they profile women who kill their husbands and he said he had to watch it because I was going to kill him. He told me I was a bad mother and told stepdaughter "This is not a mother." Stepdaughter started crying.

    That's when he started saying, get away from my daughter, get away from my daughter. And I ignored him and poured my coke into my glass. He rushed towards me, grabbed me by my upper arm just as I was saying, "If you touch me I'm calling 911." and shoved me into the refrigerator. I broke away, grabbed the phone called 911.

    BY this time stepdaughter was screaming. I could hardly hear 911 operator.

    husband suddenly got reasonably. "Please don't do this, please, please don't do this."

    I turned my back and did it. The police came and immediately put husband into handcuffs and separated everyone. Everyone agreed even husband that he'd put hands on me. He said I just stepped back. I don't know what else he said.

    Upshot. The police didn't arrest him but made him and my stepkids go to a hotel. He had to take a cab because he was drinking and couldn't drive. They would have had to put difficult child into juvvy because I wouldn't keep him without husband and I don't think they wanted to so they let husband go to a hotel. I wasn't really hurt, just shaken. The officer was one who'd had a number of encounters with difficult child.

    So they packed and left. He gave me the number on how to get a restraining order. He said CPS would be calling probably within 72 hours. The prosecuting attorney would consider whether to press charges.

    Stepdaughter blew me a kiss when she left.

    I apologized to my two kids. My 19 year old who'd witnessed him bullying me in the afternoon, said it wasn't my fault and it was okay. My 15 year old said about the impending divorce, that he was fine with it. I called my 18 year old at college, and told him and he felt bad for me, and if I needed him to come next weekend he would.

    I sent a text to my supervisor that said, "Husband shoved me into frig, called 911, not hurt, need tomorrow off for legal stuff, am divorcing, sorry".

    So now it's going to be a messy divorce. He'll cut off the insurance and the electricity, I'll file a restraining order against him and difficult child, I've got my lawyer and will contact a realtor, and we will manage the best we can.

    I just hope I don't have to live with him while we are doing this. But the officer kept saying, this is his house too, and that's what my lawyer told me as well.

  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm really sorry it's come to this, but it sounds as if it's for the best. Hugs to you.
  3. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Well, it's for the second best. The best would have been just to ease out without drama.

    But it wasn't meant to be.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think since you can now get an OOP with him admitting to having touched you, he cannot enter the home.

    I'm sorry it happened.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. This must have been so sorry to go through. Get that restraining order. Get a garnishment in the works for the mortgage. He is still liable for his share. With the restraining order he will not be allowed near you. That means he problem won't be allowed in the house. Make sure your lawyer is the sharkiest, wiliest, finagling-est PIRANHA of a divorce atty.

    I cannot say I am surprised, esp with his drinking. He has been headed here for a long time.

    Before you go do legal things move all his possessions out of the bedroom. Into a guest room if you like, or the basement or wherever. If he could put hands on you while he was drinking, he could assault you in your sleep or if you are in the bedroom alone/semi alone. Put a key lock on the door and make sure he cannot get a key.

    Go to the bank and get a notarized copy of the balance on any joint accounts/loans/etc... Then withdraw half and get the new balance notarized. They may tell you it is overkill, but it will demonstrate to the court that you are willing to take only your half.

    Sending a LOT of hugs, the spare suit of rhino skin armor, and a cocoon you can hide away in when things get too hard. It is filled with the finest cloud down. You will sink into it and feel perfectly supported and comfortable in any position. It has a little kitchen complete with a refrigerator/stove appliance that will store the supplies to make all your favorite drinks, food, desserts, etc... It will also prepare those favorites for you in just moments, leaving you with NO dishes to wash. It even has an automatic sink that washes all the dishes and puts them away for you!

    Your custom cocoon also has an entertainment center with all your favorite movies and tv shows and even every game you have ever enjoyed. It also has a library of books to meet all your reading needs and a computer that will run any program and do everything you ever wanted and some stuff you never dreamed of! All of these items are easily stored away in the magic entertainment room that compresses when not in use and pops back perfectly every time. It will even take you to the page of the book that you were on, the point in the movie, show or game that you were enjoying.

    Take some time to recharge in your cocoon. It will energize you and make you look and feel sooooo much better! You can also set it to provide an invisible covering to your clothing and hair and body that will make any hit, slap, punch unable to hurt you. It makes the abuser very very sore in whatever muscles he used to hit you (arm, hand, shoulder for a slap or punch, leg, foot, ankle, hip, for kicks, etc...). This magic coat of armor will also bring the police there in less than 2 minutes.

    stay sfe!
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. It sounds like things have been headed this way for a long time. I have been reading your posts, but don't respond often because I have no experience with step children and my difficult child is the product of my husband and I both. How sad that these children have lost the only stability in their lives because their dad is so afraid to step up and be a man.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm not surprised it came to this, although I thought it would be difficult child who did the violence. Well, at least your poor stepdaughter knows it's her father's doing and maybe she will still try to reach you, especially when she gets older and can stick it to him (and she will). I dn't think father will ever be able to turn her against you and you may have a big part in her life when she is older and able to do what she wants to do.

    I find it chilling that hub brought up how women KILL wives. Who thinks of those things? Is he going to try to set it up so it looks like you're trying to kill him???

    If you have to live with hub, be very careful. If you can, bring in somebody who can also live there to document if he gets nuts again...maybe a male relatives who would protect you. The man is crazy and I hope you get out in one piece. (((Hugs)))
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry that your home is so sad for you and the kids. I hate alcohol. It makes people act like idiots.
  9. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Whether I can get a restraining order or not if up to the judge. husband really doesn't have much money and no family or friends nearby. It would disrupt the schooling of the kids. It is legally his house too.

    Chances are the judge is going to tell him that he can live in the house until it's sold but must not abuse me in any way. Judge will probably say no alcohol. And I will ask for the right to record without further permission. I will ask that difficult child is never in the house without husband if husband gets to come back. All I can do is try. But I have no bruises.

    husband's problem is going to be CPS. His very, very crazy first wife also accused him of abusing her, but she also attacked him and broke his glasses in front of witnesses. She also accused him of alcoholism. And now 8 years later I'm doing the same. And I'm not crazy. And I have adult children witnesses, and their friends as witnesses. He'd be very smart to be nice and cooperative with me, but he won't be, he's too scared and too angry. He'll coach the kids...I have to say my piece and walk away and let what happens, happens. But he maybe this was a wake up call; he may be cooperative because he really needs not to have the police called again.

    I don't know if I'm going to get a restraining order, but I am going to try. Even if I can't, I bet I can get a partial that says he cannot drink and has to stay with his son.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so glad you are safe. My heart goes out to your stepdaughter. So young and most likely feeling so confused and hurt.

    You are doing what is right to keep yourself safe. Be careful, hard to tell what an angry man will do. Think about all his actions and words from this point forward - analysis them, do not react immediately, look for his hidden agenda.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You must remember that he is just as manipulative and sneaky as difficult child. difficult child probably learned a LOT living with him and his mother. I would not be shocked to hear at some point that ih (cannot call him dear. I stands for idiot) did one or two of the syrup on the floor occurrences. It would be a way for him to be able to say for sure that difficult child couldn't have done all of them.

    Ih is probably going to either be sweet and apologize and try to be Mr. Nice Guy Gonna Step Up or come in cold and nasty and drunk. Neither is good, but I almost prefer the drunk version. At least he would be up front.

    Don't let him convince you that you are nuts. When things happen he will try to shift the blame. Watch him and the kids very closely.

    Ask the judge what you are supposed to do if ih drinks after being ordered not to. Do you call the judge's office, do you call 911 even if he isn't violent, how does the judge want it handled. Keep in mind most alcoholics can't just stop.

    Make sure you have a door that locks with a deadbolt to help keep him away from you while you sleep.

    Keep in touch here so we don't worry!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No matter what, if I were you I would refuse to ever be in the house alone with difficult child again. Ever. Make dad take him to work or find a sitter (haha). I don't trust this kid and, for the first time, I am starting to think husband is as crazy as his son. His favorite show is one where wives kill their husbands. Ugh. Red flag. And he abused his ex. I don't care if she hit him too. Most men walk away from abusive women and don't hit them back. It takes a mouse of a man to hit somebody weaker and most men are much stronger than women. I'm glad his ex is sort of on your side just because she complained of similar issues with him.

    Whatever you do, never be alone with that child.
  13. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Hmmm.. Didn't think of this, but my supervisor advised me. I'm a federal official (not elected, but work for the federal govt). It's a felony to assault me. She asked if I wanted her to send a task force official over.

    I don't ever want to be alone with that kid again, nor do I want him wandering the house alone (as in after school). But I can't restrict access to the house without a judge's order. I'm just hoping that if I can't get him removed I can get the drinking, verbal abuse and difficult child never alone in house or with me/mykids restrictions.

    All you can do is ask. He does have his rights too. And the cops informed me last night he does have the right to drink in his own house. Only judges can restrict rights, and as we all know, they are unpredictable.
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    WSM - He has the right to go away and leave you alone!!!

    A long time ago someone said "My right to throw a punch ends where your nose begins." And it's true. He had the right to reach for you, but not actually TOUCH you in violence. In a way I am glad it was fairly minor, however with a CPO/restraining order he can't live in the house. And I would refuse to let him. Possession is 9/10 of the law they say and it doesn't matter if he legally owns part of the house he is in the WRONG here.

    I am sending you lots of hugs and strength - you are going to need them. And I have to say I am not surprised either, just glad it was fairly minor, and I am glad you have the strength to stand up to it. Abuse is abuse and it looks to me like it escalated pretty quickly.

    Keep letting us know what is going on. And don't go overboard but do NOT give him an inch. He's already taken MILES.
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry that you felt threatened and this drama unfolded in your home.

    Your stepdaughter sounds like a sweet girl who has her eyes open.

    If you are able to get a restraining order, wouldn't that mean that he is not allowed in the home? If that is the case, you will have to then find a way to make sure that stepson is not allowed there either. You've been given some good advice concerning the financial and legal end of what may be in store.

    Sounds like you have some rough stuff ahead. I know it won't be easy. You will survive, become stronger, and persevere.

    We'll be here for you. Hugs.

  16. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm so sorry this happened but at the same time I'm kind of glad. You were NOT hurt (Thank God), you were NOT at fault, you have witnesses and you have documentation. I know you wanted to handle things in more of a calm manner but IH brought this on himself. When you apply for the restraining order take copies of some of your may help...ask your lawyer about it. The others are right though....even if the house is part his legally, with a restraining order, he can not live there. If that doesn't happen, I also agree...move his things out of the bedroom and put a DEADBOLT on the door. Heck for that matter, put a key lock doorknob, deadbolt AND a chain.

    You have cameras set up through out the the recording station and as often as possible either make copies of the tapes/discs or store them somewhere safe. If the system doesn't record sound, consider upgrading to one that does. These recordings aren't biased and can be used in court to prove or disprove any accusations or events.

    I know this is not the way or the time you wanted to start this process but it is what it is. The silver lining in this may be that because this is happening NOW, something worse may not happen to you down the line. Talk to your lawyer again about step-daughter, express your concern to CPS, do what you can to protect her. If that doesn't accomplish anything, try to give her a way to contact you if she ever needs it. Have her memorize it, write it in code in her diary...whatever. You may not have legal rights but if she were to call you if she was in danger, I don't think anyone in their right mind would have a problem with you picking her up as long as you took her to the authorities. Ask your lawyer about that too. She's lived with IH and difficult child....she loves them but I'm sure she knows what's up too. Know what I mean??

    Sending good thoughts and a lot of hugs. I know it's a mess but I hope this turns out the best way possible.
  17. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Hi, just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for this happening to you. Sounds like this was the pinacle of the continued increase in his behavior.
    I am sorry too for you and the loss of a relationship with your sweet step daughter.. I am just sending you big hugs...... seems like now things can only look up....
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911


    THe man verbally and MENTALLY assaults you all the time - (we've talked before remember?) Federal agent or not - you're human. PERIOD!

    You are afraid of retalliation - If you settle for living in that house WITH them there at any time you are putting yourself in GRAVE danger - what if that kid puts rat poison in your sugar? NO MAAM - they can find another place to live - until YOU find a situation that is agreeable to YOU - YOUR life was disrupted. HE did that - HE can find somewhere else to live. HIS problem. NOT yours.

    You were assaulted - a shove is assault.

    The house is off limits if you can get an order of protection.

    You need to get to a womens domestic violence group and find someone with brass - and get ALL the FREE advice you can get to protect yourself.

    CALL THEM TODAY - and find out what YOUR rights are -

    I'm sorry you are all having to go through this - but the more distance and space you put between all of you the better off you all are going to be.

    Also - if he comes home to get ANYTHING? Tell him to have an OFFICER present with him AT ALL TIMES......

    You need to really think like he WILL hurt you and CAN hurt ALL TIMES.

    Please be careful. Sending hugs. Not meant to be indeed.

  19. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Got the police report. husband said he didn't push me, but put hands on me because I was yelling at stepdaughter. This is a lie, but both kids said he did not shove me. I knew difficult child would lie, but I guess stepdau lied because while she was with him on the back porch he was scaring them, "You better say this and that, or I'll be arrested and then what will happen to you?"

    The police report was written like this: she (me) refused medical treatment (because I didn't need it), there was no sign of a struggle, there was no bruising. It makes it all sound like a big nothing, except for the part where I'm yelling at stepdau and the kids say husband did not shove me. Sigh...

    It occurred to me that husband might be coaching them to confess that I've been abusing them all along. So I had no choice but to file a restraining order (not that I was hesitating). It occurred to me too that perhaps husband beat me down there and filed one against me on behalf of the kids. I don't think he did, but I, that would have been a good move. So I have to protect my behind and keep us separated. And he might have. I don't know.

    I filed one against husband asking for temporary support in the form of alimony for half the mortgage and heloc. I doubt I'll get it mortgage/alimony. I also filed one against difficult child which caused a lot of consternation, "How old is he?" you can't do that, etc... I explained the history, and the specialist looked doubtful and filed a second one against husband on behalf of difficult child. If granted it will be husband's job to keep difficult child away from me. I worry about difficult child being sent in the house even if husband has to keep 500 feet away.

    Which I would think husband would want to do anyway.

    I don't know if I'll get these or not. I have to go back between 4 and 7 and 'get my paperwork'. Sounds like they are just granted for the most part until the hearing for a permanent one. The minute he gets the paperwork if he gets a restraining order, he will cancel our lights, water, insurance, etc... So I'm prepared for that.

    husband came this morning and took his truck without coming in the house. Right now he and difficult child are supposed to be at drug court.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2009
  20. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry it escalated to this point. Take care of yourself and do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself safe. Don't worry about his rights, that's for him to do. You don't owe him a thing after all that he's done in this mess. Look out for #1 first!