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It has been rough on me....
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 461766" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>TL, </p><p></p><p>Reality? Bites. Here comes the time in YOUR life when you have to take a step out of your own skin, hang it on the wall and say to yourself - DO I do what is best for MYSELF to survive ----so that later IF my child gets his head out of his rear I AM able and around to help him (because if I keep going the way I am going I am SURELY going to end up a complete wreck and I'm past starting to know that). </p><p></p><p>OR.....DO I continue to try to well.....you know....hang on a little, just (makes a finger sign of about an inch or less and winces eyes to make it look even less - convincing only myself if that's possible) little little......and try to PUSH my child into the right direction with my arm chair psychiatrist psycho babble and Woman's Day out of context article from page 39 October issue advice, coupled with something my Mother said, add in what the shrink told us and throw it all together and wad it up and hope it sticks.......ON MY KID - praying that God hears me and in the mean time turn a blind eye and stay ever hopeful that there---no there-.....oh I mean OVER THERE......no no no not there...SEE? HERE...or you misinterpreted what I mean I mean THERE --------he's getting better. (Walks away frustrated at everyone else because I know MY son and he can do this IF ONLY HE......(and fill in the blank). </p><p></p><p>See when I kept making my "I" statements about Dude..it was time for me to quit. Honestly between you and I? I have abandonment issues so when I turned him out on his own it cut so deep I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. Leaving a dog at the pound, tied to a tree in a lightingstorm wouldn't come close to how I felt about putting Dudes things in a trash bag and telling him to get out - hes' on his own, I can't fix him, he needs to figure it out for himself. Did I want to be there to support him? OH (long sympathetic sigh) Yes, I did. I wanted to put a house on our land, hold his hand, pay his bills, get him a job, make everyone aware he NEEDED help - I mean he HAS problems....and he NEEDS HELP.....and who would rally for him better than his Mother? His parents? No one. Yeah - well....how about HIMSELF? This realization took.....years ---for me. YEARS for him. It cost me but not the things that I thought it would. </p><p></p><p>See I figured I'd never hear from him ever again. I figured Daddy Disney would swoop in on this opportunity and I'd be out - didn't happen. While it would have hurt - the fact that someone else in this world would have cared about him would have been great. When it didn't? Dude figured out it was up to him to get himself straight. In otherwords there WAS no one else BUT himself to rely on. Friends come and go - couch surfing doesn't last, money hand outs get fewer the older kids get because THEY have to EARN their pay like adults and are less likely to hand over their hard earned cash unlike teens who live with MOm and Dad - and are more free with their cash - so it gets tougher and they're less likely to "open" up their homes without compensation of utilities, rent - food. SOMEONE better get a job and pitch in - so eventually your kid (and mine) has to decide "GOOD GRIEF" get myself together OR live homeless......because your parents, your buddies, and the word -----is out. No one wants you like you are......freeloader. It's tough love at it's finest - so when you throw in SOBRIETY and pills and WANTING sobriety? Then YOU (your son) has to choose ----and there isn't MOm or Dad there to do it for you so it means a WHOLE lot more that you did it for yourself. There IS NO SAFETY NET......it's basically DO or DIE....not a pretty picture but life hands you this message and the sooner the better. The older you get the tougher it is. </p><p></p><p>If he wants help? Good for him. If I went for a visit? I'd talk about everything ELSE BUT.......his sobriety. If it came up? I'd say - THATS up to you now ......and move on. STay away from discussions about emotions yours especially. If he asks how you're doing? GREAT!!! WONDERFUL - YOU miss him, but you're doing as well as can be expected. LIFE GOES ON. </p><p></p><p>The hardest message I sent to Dude was....LIFE WILL GO ON ---with or without you. We'd rather have you in it with us....but everyday ----life goes on. Be a part of it. Never said it like that, but just showed him by going on with my life and living it, going to school, and not talking about his life ----I listened and would give GENERIC answers or responses of detachment - like -----Wow that sounds pretty tough or I'm sure you will figure it out, You're smart you'll think of a solution. I know you'll manage somehow you have a good head on your shoulders. THings like that. Not ---Let me fix this for you. Or Boy you're right - you need to be out of this place that's not fair.....NOpe ----what you did got you in here -----period. NO discussion on that. </p><p></p><p>Like I said firstly ------this hurts.....but letting go is never easy --and having to be the strong person just stinks, but it pays to be the high road example because if you can do it - then your kids can look up to you for how to act in a crisis and will model your behavior. Even in situations like this - he's looking to you on how to behave. I know you're strong - but I'm sending you extra strength, because this is extra tough. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 461766, member: 4964"] TL, Reality? Bites. Here comes the time in YOUR life when you have to take a step out of your own skin, hang it on the wall and say to yourself - DO I do what is best for MYSELF to survive ----so that later IF my child gets his head out of his rear I AM able and around to help him (because if I keep going the way I am going I am SURELY going to end up a complete wreck and I'm past starting to know that). OR.....DO I continue to try to well.....you know....hang on a little, just (makes a finger sign of about an inch or less and winces eyes to make it look even less - convincing only myself if that's possible) little little......and try to PUSH my child into the right direction with my arm chair psychiatrist psycho babble and Woman's Day out of context article from page 39 October issue advice, coupled with something my Mother said, add in what the shrink told us and throw it all together and wad it up and hope it sticks.......ON MY KID - praying that God hears me and in the mean time turn a blind eye and stay ever hopeful that there---no there-.....oh I mean OVER THERE......no no no not there...SEE? HERE...or you misinterpreted what I mean I mean THERE --------he's getting better. (Walks away frustrated at everyone else because I know MY son and he can do this IF ONLY HE......(and fill in the blank). See when I kept making my "I" statements about Dude..it was time for me to quit. Honestly between you and I? I have abandonment issues so when I turned him out on his own it cut so deep I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. Leaving a dog at the pound, tied to a tree in a lightingstorm wouldn't come close to how I felt about putting Dudes things in a trash bag and telling him to get out - hes' on his own, I can't fix him, he needs to figure it out for himself. Did I want to be there to support him? OH (long sympathetic sigh) Yes, I did. I wanted to put a house on our land, hold his hand, pay his bills, get him a job, make everyone aware he NEEDED help - I mean he HAS problems....and he NEEDS HELP.....and who would rally for him better than his Mother? His parents? No one. Yeah - well....how about HIMSELF? This realization took.....years ---for me. YEARS for him. It cost me but not the things that I thought it would. See I figured I'd never hear from him ever again. I figured Daddy Disney would swoop in on this opportunity and I'd be out - didn't happen. While it would have hurt - the fact that someone else in this world would have cared about him would have been great. When it didn't? Dude figured out it was up to him to get himself straight. In otherwords there WAS no one else BUT himself to rely on. Friends come and go - couch surfing doesn't last, money hand outs get fewer the older kids get because THEY have to EARN their pay like adults and are less likely to hand over their hard earned cash unlike teens who live with MOm and Dad - and are more free with their cash - so it gets tougher and they're less likely to "open" up their homes without compensation of utilities, rent - food. SOMEONE better get a job and pitch in - so eventually your kid (and mine) has to decide "GOOD GRIEF" get myself together OR live homeless......because your parents, your buddies, and the word -----is out. No one wants you like you are......freeloader. It's tough love at it's finest - so when you throw in SOBRIETY and pills and WANTING sobriety? Then YOU (your son) has to choose ----and there isn't MOm or Dad there to do it for you so it means a WHOLE lot more that you did it for yourself. There IS NO SAFETY NET......it's basically DO or DIE....not a pretty picture but life hands you this message and the sooner the better. The older you get the tougher it is. If he wants help? Good for him. If I went for a visit? I'd talk about everything ELSE BUT.......his sobriety. If it came up? I'd say - THATS up to you now ......and move on. STay away from discussions about emotions yours especially. If he asks how you're doing? GREAT!!! WONDERFUL - YOU miss him, but you're doing as well as can be expected. LIFE GOES ON. The hardest message I sent to Dude was....LIFE WILL GO ON ---with or without you. We'd rather have you in it with us....but everyday ----life goes on. Be a part of it. Never said it like that, but just showed him by going on with my life and living it, going to school, and not talking about his life ----I listened and would give GENERIC answers or responses of detachment - like -----Wow that sounds pretty tough or I'm sure you will figure it out, You're smart you'll think of a solution. I know you'll manage somehow you have a good head on your shoulders. THings like that. Not ---Let me fix this for you. Or Boy you're right - you need to be out of this place that's not fair.....NOpe ----what you did got you in here -----period. NO discussion on that. Like I said firstly ------this hurts.....but letting go is never easy --and having to be the strong person just stinks, but it pays to be the high road example because if you can do it - then your kids can look up to you for how to act in a crisis and will model your behavior. Even in situations like this - he's looking to you on how to behave. I know you're strong - but I'm sending you extra strength, because this is extra tough. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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