It has been rough on me....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Sep 18, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    It has been a rough week for me since my son was readmitted to the hospital on Thursday. I just do very well when I don't have much info. I took him stuff on Friday and he could barely talk to me. Yesterday we were going to go visit but then he texted us and told us he would prefer Sunday. I just felt like I didn't have much info.... and then I heard some stuff from other people that may me worry about his latest court case and I started worrying about if he goes to jail....I mean they finally are getting to a real diagnosis for him, and he is actually seeing help, jail would be a disaster..

    So I just got into a funk about it all. Couldn't pull myself together to post here coherently! We went out fro dinner with a friend last night and I started saying the first part of the serenity prayer to myself...."Accept the things you cannot change"..... because really at this point it is out of my hands.

    I woke up in a better mood this morning, knowing we would see him today. I told myself I would be happy if he still wants help.

    So we just had a good visit with him. He is kind of mad he is inpatient because he feels the partial program was really helping him, and he doesn't have the privledge for going off the locked unit. A person came in to check how he was doing and he was very direct about how he was feeling but also pretty appropriate. I told him he was caught by the weekend and some of that will be sorted out tomorrow. He is probably right at this point he doesn't need to be on a locked inpatient unit, and my guess is they will discharge him on Monday or Tuesday.

    He did tell us what happened and yes he took some drugs.... had a delayed but pretty bad reaction. I stayed very calm about every thing, didn't lecture, he admitted it was stupid, and I commented that it seems like twice now it has landed him in the hospital...and that yes the hospital has to be careful and yes it was kind of stupid and self sabatoging. He said he is done doing any drugs and seems sincere. (yes yes I know we have heard that before and so although he seems sincere that can change in an instant). I don't think the sober house knows anything about it. Sigh.

    Anyway the positive thing is he wants the partial hospitalization program. He feels that is helpful. And he is definitely open to the outpatient program later. I still feel he really wants to help himself, even if he is screwing up royally along the way.... that is all about his pattern.

    I was able to say to him, ok so look at how you self sabatoged yourself and see what that is about in a very non judgemental way,

    It is a whole lot easier to stay neutral, support THEM, love them when they DO NOT live with you!!!!

    So hopefully he will be discharged in the next couple of days and go back to the partial program.

  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Reality? Bites. Here comes the time in YOUR life when you have to take a step out of your own skin, hang it on the wall and say to yourself - DO I do what is best for MYSELF to survive ----so that later IF my child gets his head out of his rear I AM able and around to help him (because if I keep going the way I am going I am SURELY going to end up a complete wreck and I'm past starting to know that).

    OR.....DO I continue to try to know....hang on a little, just (makes a finger sign of about an inch or less and winces eyes to make it look even less - convincing only myself if that's possible) little little......and try to PUSH my child into the right direction with my arm chair psychiatrist psycho babble and Woman's Day out of context article from page 39 October issue advice, coupled with something my Mother said, add in what the shrink told us and throw it all together and wad it up and hope it sticks.......ON MY KID - praying that God hears me and in the mean time turn a blind eye and stay ever hopeful that there---no there-.....oh I mean OVER no no not there...SEE? HERE...or you misinterpreted what I mean I mean THERE --------he's getting better. (Walks away frustrated at everyone else because I know MY son and he can do this IF ONLY HE......(and fill in the blank).

    See when I kept making my "I" statements about was time for me to quit. Honestly between you and I? I have abandonment issues so when I turned him out on his own it cut so deep I can't even begin to explain it to anyone. Leaving a dog at the pound, tied to a tree in a lightingstorm wouldn't come close to how I felt about putting Dudes things in a trash bag and telling him to get out - hes' on his own, I can't fix him, he needs to figure it out for himself. Did I want to be there to support him? OH (long sympathetic sigh) Yes, I did. I wanted to put a house on our land, hold his hand, pay his bills, get him a job, make everyone aware he NEEDED help - I mean he HAS problems....and he NEEDS HELP.....and who would rally for him better than his Mother? His parents? No one. Yeah - about HIMSELF? This realization took.....years ---for me. YEARS for him. It cost me but not the things that I thought it would.

    See I figured I'd never hear from him ever again. I figured Daddy Disney would swoop in on this opportunity and I'd be out - didn't happen. While it would have hurt - the fact that someone else in this world would have cared about him would have been great. When it didn't? Dude figured out it was up to him to get himself straight. In otherwords there WAS no one else BUT himself to rely on. Friends come and go - couch surfing doesn't last, money hand outs get fewer the older kids get because THEY have to EARN their pay like adults and are less likely to hand over their hard earned cash unlike teens who live with MOm and Dad - and are more free with their cash - so it gets tougher and they're less likely to "open" up their homes without compensation of utilities, rent - food. SOMEONE better get a job and pitch in - so eventually your kid (and mine) has to decide "GOOD GRIEF" get myself together OR live homeless......because your parents, your buddies, and the word -----is out. No one wants you like you are......freeloader. It's tough love at it's finest - so when you throw in SOBRIETY and pills and WANTING sobriety? Then YOU (your son) has to choose ----and there isn't MOm or Dad there to do it for you so it means a WHOLE lot more that you did it for yourself. There IS NO SAFETY's basically DO or DIE....not a pretty picture but life hands you this message and the sooner the better. The older you get the tougher it is.

    If he wants help? Good for him. If I went for a visit? I'd talk about everything ELSE BUT.......his sobriety. If it came up? I'd say - THATS up to you now ......and move on. STay away from discussions about emotions yours especially. If he asks how you're doing? GREAT!!! WONDERFUL - YOU miss him, but you're doing as well as can be expected. LIFE GOES ON.

    The hardest message I sent to Dude was....LIFE WILL GO ON ---with or without you. We'd rather have you in it with us....but everyday ----life goes on. Be a part of it. Never said it like that, but just showed him by going on with my life and living it, going to school, and not talking about his life ----I listened and would give GENERIC answers or responses of detachment - like -----Wow that sounds pretty tough or I'm sure you will figure it out, You're smart you'll think of a solution. I know you'll manage somehow you have a good head on your shoulders. THings like that. Not ---Let me fix this for you. Or Boy you're right - you need to be out of this place that's not fair.....NOpe ----what you did got you in here -----period. NO discussion on that.

    Like I said firstly ------this hurts.....but letting go is never easy --and having to be the strong person just stinks, but it pays to be the high road example because if you can do it - then your kids can look up to you for how to act in a crisis and will model your behavior. Even in situations like this - he's looking to you on how to behave. I know you're strong - but I'm sending you extra strength, because this is extra tough.

    Hugs & Love
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Star... what you say is all true. I think actually I did more of that today than in the past. I really didn't reacto to his admission of drug use... I did listen and I did comment about his self sabatoging himself but I didn't react personally, I didn't act shocked, I didnt get upset. I basically asked him some questions so that he could think about things.

    One of the things I have realized recently is that he does take in what I say and thinks about it later... when I do it in a calm, non judgemental, way. I am his mother and I know him and so sometimes I can see things and point out things others dont see so easily. It is really hard to hide from your mother even when you think you can!!!

    But yes I absolutely can't fix this. I did not let him know or tell him how worried I have been. I am not sure he would care anyway. And we are going on with our life. I think he got that message when we went off on vacation for 3 weeks, even though he was arrested the night before we left. We went AND we had a good time!!!

    And I fully believe he is looking to get help because I have stepped back.... as long as it was about what I wanted FOR him, he fought me and any direction I tried to push him in. Now I am suggesting but fully acknowledging and accepting that the choice is his. That is huge progress on my part... and yeah it is d***** hard.

    I think the reality is that I know more about how systems work than he does. Part of that is because of what I do for work... I end up working with people with all kinds of problems. So I can give him information... but that is all i can do and what he does with the information is up to him.