It has started and continues

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crazymama30, Sep 8, 2008.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I picked difficult child up from school today, he is upset. Says he hates school (has never said that before). It all boils down to him running in school. He was running because another boy was chasing him and difficult child did not want the other boy to hit him because then difficult child will hit him back and get in trouble. How can I argue with that? There is no arguing, that is what would happen. difficult child saw his only choice as running. So when a teacher catches him running, he says so and so was chasing me. To me that does not sound scarey, and to a teacher probably not either. But to difficult child he was scared. He should have said that so and so was going to hit him, and difficult child and I talked about that, but he just does not believe that I know anything!!! I am stupid and it is always everyone elses fault. difficult child lost his lunch recess for tommorrow, and he is mad.

    I am worried that difficult child is going to quit trusting the adults as they never believe him. After the problem last week and now this week, this is a bad pattern. I know difficult child has a reputation, but can't they give him the benefit of the doubt at all? It seems he is guilty until proven innocent, and that ain't gonna happen!!!
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So I e-mailed difficult child's teacher. Now I feel like a jerk. This was her response to my e-mail.

    difficult child did not give you the whole story about what happened today. First off difficult child was not even suppose to be going to the gym to put the balls away. Wade was the only one who had permission to do so. Second, Mrs.did talk to all the boys but difficult child was the only one who talked back to her and when walking away told Eli she was gay. So all the boys were in trouble but difficult child got in more trouble because of the way he handled the incident. I always try to handle incidents fairly but difficult child needs to understand that if he disrespects a teacher it will only get him in more trouble. I hope you understand. Thanks for your support.

    I am so tired of sticking up for him and trying to support him and I get stabbed in the back. He should be held responsible for that!! He does not even get what he did wrong.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'd think about calling the principal to express the concerns you have. Or maybe pop in for a 5 minute chat about what happened and how future incidents can be handled better by both difficult child and the adults on duty. You are very right to be worried about his trust in other adults when no one seems to care about taking the time to find out what's really going on.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oops! (Obviously, I posted my message after you posted your update)... I still think it's good you contacted the teacher to find out what happened. Either way, it shows you are involved and that you care.
  5. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I know just how you feel! Everytime I go to bat for my difficult child, he ends up doing something outrageous in school that makes me look like an idito for even trying!
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am sorry! I do the same thing (especially every September). We want so much to protect our kids and they know exactly what to tell us to get us in momma bear mode.

    Something similar did happen to us last week. difficult child said he was the only one who got his fruit taken away. After talking to the teacher, I found out that was not true and he did not loose fruit so much for talking as for not working on his work. He had only told me about talking. Withholding evidence - just like your difficult child withheld evidence.

    I try real hard to just work with difficult child on how to better handle the situation based on his view point; for example, he told me he lost fruit for talking so we talked about his voice carrying and he does need to focus on the task at hand, he must follow the rules. We also talked about an alternative, if someone is making you feel like you have to talk, point to the fruit, shake your head no and go back to work.

    If it is something more serious (like your difficult child's situation where he told you he felt threatened) than I usually go to the teacher with, "difficult child told me of something that happened. His viewpoint is......(or what he chose to share with me is....) Do you have any more info on the situation?" That way you don't react negatively to the teacher until you are sure you have the entire story.

    If I find out something bigger that I think I need to address with difficult child, then I will go back to him with, "I found out more info about the incident the other day. I would like to talk to you about it."

    It is really hard to do this early in the year but with practice you will get the hang of it. I know my difficult child's teacher are very open in being my partners in this. They will share with me the "other point of view" and listen to my ideas/suggestions on how to handle the situation in the future.

    It dawned on me last week that maybe difficult child was trying to tell me about this before the school did because he wanted to give his point of view first. If I am in momma bear mode, it may be harder for me to listen to the teacher's side or I might just go attack the teacher based on his words alone - that way he uses you to get back at the teacher.

    Last year I was told EVERYTHING! The teachers thought it was important for me to know EVERYTHING - even difficult child's main teacher said she felt sorry that I was hearing all the negative - however, with what we were going through, I had to know EVERYTHING even though it hurt me. This year I am not being told EVERYTHING because it is just everyday teacher/student interaction. If the teacher ever thinks it is more than a normal student behavior or their processes/procedures are unable to end it, I will get a call.

    So, keep following up on your difficult child's complaints - If you feel they need looking into, then you are correct to look into it - it's just that what you find SOMETIMES may not be what difficult child wanted you to find in your investigations.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Sometimes I think I am gonna lose my momma bear mode, I go in and out so quick my gears are slipping and the transmission is going bad.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I can relate to this sort of incident. I didn't catch what grade your son is in, but I'm assuming he's either in 4th, 5th, or 6th, and I see he's 10 yo. This is the time when teachers are trying to get students settled in for middle school and the difficult child has already gotten some sort of reputation and their hormones are starting to get a little awry.

    We went through the same sort of issues. I don't feel that I can give you much advice because difficult child and I botched this period pretty much. I do agree that keeping in contact with school authorities should help minimize issues as much as possible. But, I wish I hadn't taken the school's side as much as I did, in hindsight. difficult child did have many valid complaints that I didn't know about until later. His teachers were smarting off humiliating comments to him in front of the whole class and the principal really was trying to get him out of the school. I just kept hearing stories like you just relayed. But later, there was enough evidence that even a ploiceman took my side over the principal's.

    Anyway, it is a fine line we walk as a parent of a difficult child. If your son is in his last year of elementary school, I would suggest trying to keep everything as calm as possible until the school year is over. Is he on an IEP? If they keep having issues, I would call a meeting and have them tweak the IEP to "meet his and their needs better". If he's not on an IEP, I'd suggest pursuing one. As far as his story not matching their's, I felt just like you did but wish I had kept more communication going with my son so I could have learned about other things going on- like him having signs of depression and anxiety in class that he was getting punished for.

    I guess the safest way to deal with all of it is to have a meeting with all involved if it keeps on. But, instead of just accepting their answers like "he was disrupting class", I wish I'd pushed a lot sooner to get the specifics of how exactly and what exactly was he doing. Then, I would have known 6 mos sooner that my son was shutting down in class, picking at himself until he bled, etc. He would get belittled in class, then 15 mins later be in the hallway doing something he shouldn't. All I heard was that he disrupted class, then misbehaved in the hall.

    What I'm trying to say is that I don't doubt he is disruptive in some way, but sometimes those are signs that soomething needs to get addressed at school that isn't meeting his needs. I hope that helps. If nothing else, know that others have been there done that and I feel your pain. It is sooo frustrating.
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    difficult child 2 wasn't giving me the whole story. His communication skills are sorely lacking, and I'm starting to lose it with the whole thing.

    I talked to the teacher and I designed a "daily" sheet for him. I made it really clear that it's for positives and negatives, but for a while I'd need as much detail as she could find the time to give me. The point was to get her side of the story, listen to his and then discuss the "reality" that had to be there somewhere!

    It turns out that once an incident is over with difficult child 2, it's over. He pretty much forgets what the actual series of events were and the story then becomes very protective of himself and "snitching" on the other individual involved.

    It might be something like that with your difficult child. He may not be withholding information, it could be that the details are now scrambled up with the other events of the day that are as unimportant.

    Good luck!

  10. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Klmno- Thank you for your compassion. Sometimes I feel like the line we are walking is razor thin. Part of the problem is all the issues (so far and in the past) actually occur at recess. He has become a good student in the classroom, and is rarely disruptive. He has no social skills. I have asked untill I have been blue in the face aobut a social skills class, and keep getting told that none exist. difficult child already has an IEP, so that much is good. I do not know what kind of interventions you can add to recess. He is in 5th grade, and I am not looking forward to middle school.

    I am kind of frustrated with psychiatrist, as he told me over the summer he would do therapy with difficult child, but he has only done one or two therapy sessions. I thought it would be best to have psychiatrist do medications and therapy. Now I am not sure. Tommorrow I am going to set up an interview with a new therapist, counselor or whatever she is. I work at the hospital and get a 50% discount after insurance, and they have a behavioral health dept with a therapist that psychiatrist recomended some time back. I will check into that.

    NVTS, I think that what you said about the days events getting jumbled is so very true for my difficult child. He was so sure that the teacher was wrong and he was right. I even talked to him about telling the truth and how I could not help him if he lied to me. This was a long and serious conversation and he stuck by his story.

    This will be a hard year, and I am glad that I can come here and recieve some understanding.
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    You keep that momma bear going. Remember, I said, "SOMETIMES" it is not what difficult child wanted you to find out. However, KIMNO is correct, you have to keep digging and find every detail - you can think like a difficult child's mom, the teachers are only thinking like easy child's. You need to show them at times that difficult child did what he believed he needed to do and though it may have been wrong, you don't punish, you redirect or "teach" why it was wrong, you discipline in a different way. Also, difficult children often need more than the normal, "That is not acceptable. You will not do that again." They often need to understand why it was not acceptable. They see things in a different view point and in order to help them grow and learn, we also have to see things in a different view points. We have to be creative, just like our difficult children are.

    My easy child would never lie although others thought she did at time. People need to realize that kids often are telling things as they understand it, it may not be the truth, but they do not lie - they just state their side.

    So, keep that momma bear going when needed - follow your instincts - ask the teachers for their input - then ask difficult child again. It is sad that our kids don't always tell us when they are being mistreated by teachers (not that I feel any indication that yours is but KIMNO's was and she didn't know it). When gathering info ask exactly what was said by everyone.

    Be calm when gathering info and then let momma bear loose when you need to address something that you are sure of.
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2008
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hang in there! It is great that he already has an IEP in place. I noticed that in the past, I was afraid to tell the IEP team that difficult child told me XXX, which was contradictory to what they had told me. Then, somehow I have come to find that it is exactly what they need to hear and they don't react so badly to it- if they are people really trying to help him (we had this change when difficult child started middle school). If this keeps happening, request an IEP meeting and Functional assessment (or whatever it is called) and tell them that in difficult child's mind, this is what is transpiring. But again, I would first ask difficult child about other situations at school- what exactly is going on in the classroom, etc)

    You're a warrior mom- it is frustrating and exhausting but you can do this and it will be ok!