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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 746324" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you all for your kind thoughts and encouraging words.It is agonizing Elsi, but I have to remind myself to put faith in God, knowing all is in His time, and Tornados and Rains. It’s hard to be patient at times when the void becomes overwhelming.</p><p></p><p>Im so sorry Elsi, extreme weather conditions add on to the worry. I hope S has found some place warm to be. Prayers going up.</p><p></p><p> I have to allow myself time to grieve and then go from there. I have found that to be an important piece in surviving this, recognizing and acknowledging those intense feelings, then letting go. I do find much joy with my well children and grands and am most thankful for that comfort.</p><p></p><p>Observer is an appropriate way to frame my role. Thank you. It is a stoic truth and the fact of the matter is, I view myself as a trigger for my twos issues. That is how it has played out when they are near. Not that I am <em>blaming</em> myself, they are quick to switch focus to my inadequacy as a mother, rather than look inward. The hallmark of an addict. I realized after much reading, posting and from the wisdom of those who have traveled this road that I am not the one to fix my two. They have to want better for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Hah! I love the rawness of this. I have to remind myself that the rabbit hole ever calls, feeds and thrives off of our stress and desperation. Stress is a killer. I will try to switch my focus from being sad and lurching into catastrophic thought process. Got to get back to what I can control, my self.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you Eliza, peace to you as well.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Beta, thanks for checking in with support and love.</p><p> Thank you Jabber. Hope all is well with you, Lil and your son.</p><p>Tornado has court this Friday. I juggled with the idea of going, then leaned towards not going. What would it accomplish if I went? I really can’t afford to take off from work. Does that sound selfish?</p><p> I am also protecting myself from the memory of hubs illness, I was in court for Rains testimony against her violent boyfriend, he was sick at home and waiting for me. Those hours counted, were critical to his treatment (retrospect) but he <em>insisted</em> I go.</p><p>I don’t want to go back there.</p><p>Ever.</p><p>On the flip side, there is a nagging little voice telling me to go.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p>Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. You are a lifeline.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 746324, member: 19522"] Thank you all for your kind thoughts and encouraging words.It is agonizing Elsi, but I have to remind myself to put faith in God, knowing all is in His time, and Tornados and Rains. It’s hard to be patient at times when the void becomes overwhelming. Im so sorry Elsi, extreme weather conditions add on to the worry. I hope S has found some place warm to be. Prayers going up. I have to allow myself time to grieve and then go from there. I have found that to be an important piece in surviving this, recognizing and acknowledging those intense feelings, then letting go. I do find much joy with my well children and grands and am most thankful for that comfort. Observer is an appropriate way to frame my role. Thank you. It is a stoic truth and the fact of the matter is, I view myself as a trigger for my twos issues. That is how it has played out when they are near. Not that I am [I]blaming[/I] myself, they are quick to switch focus to my inadequacy as a mother, rather than look inward. The hallmark of an addict. I realized after much reading, posting and from the wisdom of those who have traveled this road that I am not the one to fix my two. They have to want better for themselves. Hah! I love the rawness of this. I have to remind myself that the rabbit hole ever calls, feeds and thrives off of our stress and desperation. Stress is a killer. I will try to switch my focus from being sad and lurching into catastrophic thought process. Got to get back to what I can control, my self. Thank you Eliza, peace to you as well. Thank you Beta, thanks for checking in with support and love. Thank you Jabber. Hope all is well with you, Lil and your son. Tornado has court this Friday. I juggled with the idea of going, then leaned towards not going. What would it accomplish if I went? I really can’t afford to take off from work. Does that sound selfish? I am also protecting myself from the memory of hubs illness, I was in court for Rains testimony against her violent boyfriend, he was sick at home and waiting for me. Those hours counted, were critical to his treatment (retrospect) but he [I]insisted[/I] I go. I don’t want to go back there. Ever. On the flip side, there is a nagging little voice telling me to go. Ugh. Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. You are a lifeline. (((Hugs))) Leaf [/QUOTE]
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