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Substance Abuse
It Just Keeps Getting Worse...
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674515" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Sea, I am so sorry you are going through this, no, really, <em>we</em> are going through it. It is very hard and painful. My heart goes out to yours, a hurting warrior sister.</p><p> There are going to be some very, very tough days, that is the reality I have come to. We are detaching, by not allowing this to go on in our homes, but there is still turmoil in our hearts. I am appalled by the lifestyle my two have chosen, and at the same time also very frightened for the possible outcome of their choice. These are churning emotions, anger, dismay, fear, mixed in with deep love for my children. Knowing how to deal with all of this will take a lot of work.</p><p></p><p>I went for a walk this morning, it has been awhile, I have gone through a stage of a sort of paralysis, just stuck, you know? I think I have gone through stuck many times in in different forms. One of the biggest, stuck enabling. So I thought, as I walked and it felt hard, but good too, what if like the third law of Newton the law of motion, Every action has a reaction", there is also a law of E-motion, emotion. So we bounce from angry, to sad, to regaining ourselves, to some sort of joy, so on and so forth.</p><p></p><p>I went into the pit again on Saturday, when Rain suddenly appeared. I was already experiencing a lot of stuff, with hubs going into the hospital, boys concert. It just seems that things all kind of pile up, you know? Then boom-there she was. It sends me into this dark place, Sea. I go through all sorts of feelings and layers of feelings. </p><p>It feels to me like when I used to surf, struggle hard to get on the wave, </p><p>catch it, stand up, such fun, and then </p><p>BOOM! </p><p>Totally eat it. </p><p>When you eat it on a good sized wave, </p><p>you get pummeled, and tossed, </p><p><em>sometimes your body is tossing and turning, you don't know which way is up and you are running out of air.</em> </p><p></p><p>That is what this whole thing feels like to me, when I go down that deep pit of despair.</p><p></p><p>This eating it out surfing has happened to me many times. Thankfully, I was able to scratch to the surface, just as I felt oxygen depleted, to come up and take a great gasp of air. </p><p>Despair-Air. </p><p>Action-reaction. </p><p>Motion-Emotion.</p><p></p><p>I do believe I will be going through these feelings again, but I am hoping, each time, I will come back stronger, wiser, and ready to get back on my board, and ride the waves.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is temporary Sea, you will feel better. Feel what you have to feel, let it flow. It will get better.</p><p></p><p>I really want to get back to surfing. Not big waves, smaller, gentler ones.</p><p></p><p>You know, when I read the part of you looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, I thought of how disheveled and out of sorts everything is after <em>eating it</em> on a big wave. </p><p>Hair every which way, bathing suit all kapakahi (really displaced on the body) Just a mess.</p><p></p><p>Out there in the ocean, I have to get it together, If I stayed in the place that I ate it, I am just going to get slapped upside my head again, with the next wave.</p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]26KzUnEbTUs[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Okay, I have never surfed waves this big.</p><p>But you know what Sea? With this thing with our d cs? We ARE surfing the heaviest wave in the world, </p><p>it is a no-wonder we despair.</p><p></p><p>You are going to be okay Sea, we are going to be okay.</p><p></p><p>All of this stuff we are going through, will make us stronger, and we will get to that place, when we <em>eat it</em>, we will straighten out our swim suits and our hair,</p><p>quicker and quicker,</p><p>get back on our boards and paddle out to ride the next wave.</p><p></p><p>Breathe Sea</p><p></p><p>Despair- AIR!</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674515, member: 19522"] Sea, I am so sorry you are going through this, no, really, [I]we[/I] are going through it. It is very hard and painful. My heart goes out to yours, a hurting warrior sister. There are going to be some very, very tough days, that is the reality I have come to. We are detaching, by not allowing this to go on in our homes, but there is still turmoil in our hearts. I am appalled by the lifestyle my two have chosen, and at the same time also very frightened for the possible outcome of their choice. These are churning emotions, anger, dismay, fear, mixed in with deep love for my children. Knowing how to deal with all of this will take a lot of work. I went for a walk this morning, it has been awhile, I have gone through a stage of a sort of paralysis, just stuck, you know? I think I have gone through stuck many times in in different forms. One of the biggest, stuck enabling. So I thought, as I walked and it felt hard, but good too, what if like the third law of Newton the law of motion, Every action has a reaction", there is also a law of E-motion, emotion. So we bounce from angry, to sad, to regaining ourselves, to some sort of joy, so on and so forth. I went into the pit again on Saturday, when Rain suddenly appeared. I was already experiencing a lot of stuff, with hubs going into the hospital, boys concert. It just seems that things all kind of pile up, you know? Then boom-there she was. It sends me into this dark place, Sea. I go through all sorts of feelings and layers of feelings. It feels to me like when I used to surf, struggle hard to get on the wave, catch it, stand up, such fun, and then BOOM! Totally eat it. When you eat it on a good sized wave, you get pummeled, and tossed, [I]sometimes your body is tossing and turning, you don't know which way is up and you are running out of air.[/I] That is what this whole thing feels like to me, when I go down that deep pit of despair. This eating it out surfing has happened to me many times. Thankfully, I was able to scratch to the surface, just as I felt oxygen depleted, to come up and take a great gasp of air. Despair-Air. Action-reaction. Motion-Emotion. I do believe I will be going through these feelings again, but I am hoping, each time, I will come back stronger, wiser, and ready to get back on my board, and ride the waves. This is temporary Sea, you will feel better. Feel what you have to feel, let it flow. It will get better. I really want to get back to surfing. Not big waves, smaller, gentler ones. You know, when I read the part of you looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, I thought of how disheveled and out of sorts everything is after [I]eating it[/I] on a big wave. Hair every which way, bathing suit all kapakahi (really displaced on the body) Just a mess. Out there in the ocean, I have to get it together, If I stayed in the place that I ate it, I am just going to get slapped upside my head again, with the next wave. [MEDIA=youtube]26KzUnEbTUs[/MEDIA] Okay, I have never surfed waves this big. But you know what Sea? With this thing with our d cs? We ARE surfing the heaviest wave in the world, it is a no-wonder we despair. You are going to be okay Sea, we are going to be okay. All of this stuff we are going through, will make us stronger, and we will get to that place, when we [I]eat it[/I], we will straighten out our swim suits and our hair, quicker and quicker, get back on our boards and paddle out to ride the next wave. Breathe Sea Despair- AIR! (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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