it was exactly as i suspected....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, May 8, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Today easy child did show up, I assumed she would. There is this small part of her that still loves a part of us, our home life, me difficult child etc. our overall dynamic which is alot of humor, sarcasm is big with us. It's gotta be with all we have riding. it's our coping mechanism.

    We were headed out for manicures and lunch, easy child joined us. If you remember I had talked about emailing easy child first just to let her know listen the gift today for your birthday is time with your sister and I. yet the therapist said no, others etc.

    One thing I can say is, supports awesome, therapists help connect dots. Yet there comes a time when we "know" what the right and wrong thing is to do. Our instincts scream out to us, and if we get really quiet we can hear it. It may not always be what we would like to hear, yet it's def. there. I did not trust my instincts on that email, I was hoping to save difficult child from any drama today. So, clearly i did not send it.

    Lunch was great, manicures were odd. There was alot of awkward silence, mundane conversation etc. Yet by lunch easy child and I were finishing eachother's sentences, saying things at the same time. Its' what it's been like with us since the child could talk. We look the same, our personalities are quite similar, same sense of humor.

    than it began..... long story short it got so bad i had to threaten calling the cops to get her out of my home. she cursed me, repeatedly, threw a phone. She had both middle fingers up at me, screaming names, insults, you name it. Yes all because she did not get a gift, or her birth certificate which I had lost in our recent move and she wanted ordered.

    I was a bit shaken, knowing full well yesterday this would be the outcome today. yet difficult child took a very hard hit today. She cried hysterically while easy child went on, than easy child's ending remark the famous i hate you you ************ (use your imagation), i do not want to know you anymore you loser ofa mom. I'm going back to my real home.

    difficult child ofcourse took it as she was saying same to her. It was very sad to watch difficult child be hurt so very badly by this child. Yes child, 18 does not make this child an adult. I know 40 year old's who are still children.

    Point being, instincts are huge, they should be respected and really listened to. Those little voices in our heads that are clearly stating hey do this or that. That's our inner selves talking the logical side of the brain trying to break through the emotions. Listen to them!!!

    It'll take days to heal from this most recent hit. Ofcourse new rules will be applied now as far as any future contact with my daughter, since her actions cannot be predicted totally and her anger is at an uncontrollable point.

    This is a girl who needs serious help. Now without her stepdad and her mom buying her clothes, supplying phones, financial aid for school, anything let's see what her fill in mom will do for her.

    I said easy child this is all you babe, this is not I. You aren't taking care of you and that's why your doing all that your doing. Home is where the heart is, the people that love you, not the place you lay and rest your head.

    Someday you'll see and realize, the apologies will flow, your heart will be sad. it'll come someday. clearly not today, and not until you deal with your inner deamons and baggage and clean it up.

    so that was my mothers' day...... :) just as i expected it to be. too bad time cannot be reversed i had sent that email and than she would of simply chosen not to join us. difficult child could of been saved. all my fault, yet as with anything else it's all a learning process.

    One thing I will say though, not giving her a birthday gift, changing my approach towards her is the absolute best birthday gift I can give her right now. difficult child was confused and I told her sometimes loving someone alot means doing what's right for them and also very hard for them. I said difficult child eventually babygirl somethings' gotta give with your sister. she can't go on this way forever. It may be returning home, or it may be reaching a real rock bottom and cleaning her act up even if she continues to live where she is.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry it went this way Jena.

    You probably dont remember it and I dont even know if you were around during the time it happened but Cory was about to be sent away for 30 days active in jail and he said some very awful and hurtful things to me right before he went in. I said some awful things back to him. I never spoke or wrote to him the entire time he was in jail and I actively attempted to get his PO to send him to prison instead of letting him come home. Now when he got out, he came home but his girlfriend had found a place for them to move within a few days. I dont remember any of this. late October I had the meningitis scare and now I dont even remember September, October or much of November 2008. I almost died. All those horrible things my son screamed at me that night? Those things were wiped from my memory but they werent from his. He was scared to death that he was going to lose me and he had F'ed up so badly and my memories of him were that he had hurt me and made me ashamed of him. He screamed and begged doctors to save my life. He sat by my bedside and wiped my head and prayed that I would live. When they said I might be contagious, he said he didnt care. My almost dying changed him. It really changed my entire families lives.

    One day something dramatic is going to happen with your daughter and she is going to realize what she has done and she will come around. I did and my son did. She will too.
  3. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Jena, I think you handled that situation quite well. And any 18-year-old who blows sky-high like that simply because she (quite deservedly) received no tangible birthday gift, other than quality time with Mom and sister, should not be invited or permitted back into the house for quite some time. It seems entirely apparent that the only reason she came over was her expectation of a gift, and when she didn't get the gift she wanted, she threw this titanic and hate-filled tantrum. That is not someone who should be welcomed back into the house (especially for difficult child's sake, as well as your own) for a lengthy period of time--i.e., until she has shown by her sustained behavior that she can behave in a civilized manner. As I posted earlier in another thread, it's important to levy consequences for vile misbehavor (rather than just pretending it didn't happen), and what she did today demands a proportional and logical consequence: "if you behave like that in my house, you are barred from my house."
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    janet wow the stories you have the life you have lived the things you have survived.... i'm always left in awe. you are right someday she will.

    scary thing i'm ok. yet i'm often ok when i have to get difficult child threw something, my warrior mom face goes on immediately. it did today, was an odd feeling though protecting one of my own from the other in a sense.

    i know in my heart she'll come around. i feel very good about not giving her a gift. not giving the gift was the gift in my eyes and heart. she has true seperation now. i detatched on a level i didnt' know i could and on her birthday. i just kept telling myself this is for her. this is for her.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My take on this is a little different. I tend to think the point of letting difficult child know ahead of time that she wasn't getting a gift except for time with the family was so she wouldn't show up expecting one. I suspect that maybe you didn't let her know ahead of time because you wanted her to show up and felt like she wouldn't if she wasn't going to get a gift. Am I interpreting your post right- in that you are sorry you didn't get her a gift and listened to the therapist? What specifically about "listening to your instinct" instead of what the therapist said are referring to when you say you're glad you listened to your instincts? Wasn't it the therapist who said not to get her anything more than family time?

    We all have maternal instincts but there are times when it is better to listen to the therapist and not the little voice inside your head. Think difficult child'dom here- it's the very fact that they refuse to listen to anyone other than their own distorted thinking that keeps them in difficult child'dom. Now as parents, we often do struggle with fighting for what we believe is best for our kids and knowing when it's advice we should take over our own habitual tendencies in thought, if that makes any sense.

    I'm glad you had some enjoyable time and were able to handle the rough part without it getting any worse than it did.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Jena, I thought she was supposed to have gone out of state and wasn't going to be there today anyway? Did she get you a Mother's Day gift? If she didn't bother to get you anything for Mother's Day, then why would she be expecting a birthday gift from you?

    I totally agree with mrsammler - after that little display of vile behavior, if that was me, she'd be banned from my house for a long, long time! In fact, I think I would have ushered her butt right out the door before she got even three words out!
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    "If you remember I had talked about emailing easy child first just to let her know listen the gift today for your birthday is time with your sister and I. yet the therapist said no, others etc. "

    Yes the email, def. not the gift. I copied the above from my original post. I do not regret not getting a gift. i even wrote on the bottom how that was actually a good thing.

    the email i regret, because that little voice in my head said reach out to easy child, and send her the email letting her know hey your gift is time with us today. I wanted to do that to avoid any drama (exactly what occured) for difficult child. yet others, therapist said no dont' do that, just the whole reaching out thing again to her.

    what's done is done now. was just sharing and also yea that voice at least for me is key! i think in all honesty when it comes to a really difficult situation there is always that little voice that is there to say what the right thing is to do. For me and so many other's it is instincts. I just think life, our homes, other kids etc. gets too loud and that voice gets muffled a bit.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Disrespect I have zero tolerance for. I don't care if it's a family member or a stranger. I don't care if it's a easy child or a difficult child. I won't tolerate disrespect.

    It would be quite a while before I'd be speaking to her, let alone let her in the house. I'd have to see some big changes in her behavior over a period of time before I'd even consider it.

  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea like i said in my original thing rules will have to change moving forward. easier said than done on escorting a 18 year old girl out of the house or to the door who is my height. while she is in the middle of a outburst. physical altercations aren't my thing :)

    i got her out, that's what counted. sad i had to though...... and a gift for me?? she can't buy herself a bottle of water. no job, no nothing. she's wearing her friends clothes. as far as another state?? i'm about as clueless as all of you.. when it comes to where my daughter is or isnt.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    OK- I think I get what you were trying to say originally now. As far as her, she's 18 now and no longer your responsibility. I'd be making sure that point was made- by being silent and keeping the door locked for a while, espcially after today. Give her a chance to really miss you- but remember that when you are 18, invincible, have new-found freedom, and think you know everything, that will take a lot longer than you want it to. I'm not saying that meaning that you should expect her to come back apologizing someday and this is a method to make that happen. I'm saying it because she really does need to feel that and see that things have changed. The first time you see her cry, don't take that as her ready to come back- take that as another tiny baby-step in the process of growing up- not coming back but growing up and being on her own. And if she ever lives with you again, it won't be the same- it can't be whether you allowed it or not. I suggest regrouping to consider your household from now on being you, husband, and difficult child, and having an older difficult child (not easy child) who lives out on her own. Period.
  11. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Yeah, the reference to "easy child" was kind of confusing at first, and probably would be to anyone reading these threads about her for the first time. The easy child and difficult child acronyms do serve to quickly clarify who's who and what's what in this forum. Just my .02....
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Did she get you anything for Mother's Day? Now that she's an adult and all, and even if she wasn't she can sill acknowledge you in a simple and inexpensive way. I see it that you did get her a manicure and pedicure, that was a fine gift for her. Some people would absolutely love that as a gift.
    The disrespect in that magnitude can't happen anymore, and it seems to happen often with her. I wouldn't even let her in the house. Meet her in a public place.
  13. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Jena, there was no need for you to send any email to let her down gently that she was not getting birthday gifts! After the way she's behaved, she shouldn't have expected anything. The fact that she has barged in to your house, totally disrespected you, broke things, cussed at you and called you names but still expects birthday gifts from you ... that shows she still has a long way to go! It just doesn't work that way in the real world! If she refuses to leave and or is being abusive or breaking things ... CALL THE POLICE!!!! If you keep it up and don't waffle, sooner or later she will realize that if she wants to be a part of the family, whether she's living with you or not, that she will have to treat you with respect and act like an adult! You have to DEMAND that respect and decent treatment from her. She needs serious consequences when she behaves as badly as she did and she should be banned from your home until she is ready to act like an adult and treat the rest of the family with respect. She won't like it but she will learn to control her mouth and her actions, at least when she's around you.
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    sorry maybe it's me tonight my visions off again. no i meant i wanted to send the email before today. just to let her know, just to avoid the drama she did. i just wished i had only so that she could rage away from us, than do a no show. today accomplished zero besides a good manicure for difficult child and I.

    sorry about easy child reference, i do that because i have two of them. i guess i gotta do the difficult child 1 difficult child 2 thing now. ugh.......

    lisa yea i know. it was really really wild. i just stood there watching her explode all over the place while weeping. its' just too much now for me to handle anymore. i'll still love her, that'll never end. yet i gotta remove myself totally. i just can't hack it anymore. if she gets help than great. if she doesnt' than truly it's her own life now. itll hurt and all. yet today i could feel the stress as i kept it together for difficult child 1.

    i was like this is not how life is supposed to be. lunch went so well also. we actually laughed a little bit. oh well. yes i can't have her here anymore to meet difficult child either. i can't do that again her blowing, her not leaving, me even having to kick her out. whole things' sick now
  15. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    So sorry you had easy child's outburst ruin your day. At least, though, you don't have to get her birth certificate anymore. She's old enough to order it herself.
  16. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lunch, manicure ... seems to me she got a great birthday present.

    I would suggest that you do some thinking about how you're going to respond to her in the future, and have a game plan in place for the next time she attempts to come over or calls. This list of respones in the archives is a great start.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jena, Im going to tell you something you wont want to hear. You keep saying that she is 18 and still not an adult and she is still a child. No...she is now an 18 year old adult child of yours who has lived out of your house now. Once this has happened, they cant come home again. It isnt the same. It doesnt work. Not with easy child's and not with difficult child's.

    I remember when Jamie went to boot camp and came home on leave one time. He sat in the living room and told us "all those years I wanted so badly to be a grown up but lordy, now I wish I was still a kid." We just looked at him and smiled. He nodded and looked around the house and said, "you know, after all this, I can never come home again. It will never be the same. I am a man now." We all just sat there with tears in our eyes because its true. Once they leave, they cant come home. If they do, they revert back to children. I saw that when Cory came home this last time. It isnt good for them or the parents. Adult kids need to be adults. It gives them a sense of satisfaction of a job well done.
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry Jena. I had a similar mother's day - but not nearly as bad as yours.
    I think your instinct about sending the email first was right on. I would have wanted to do that too. For Matt he doesn't handle change well - so I am basically setting he and I up for a blow up if I don't explain ahead of time what may be different about a situation.
    And as Janet said - after stuff like what she has been doing this week - they can never come home again. Not only do they revert to being kids again - but there is always a sense of fear and a feeling of being unsettled wondering when or if they are ever gonna act in anger like that again. It just doesn't work.
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    crazy in va thank you very much for that link.

    janet do you really think so?? her therapist still is driving forward with the hopes she'll return home, clean up her act etc.

    steely what happened???
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If she comes home, Jena, what 'pull' do you have to make things better? You have less than you did, because ready or not, she is legally an adult and do whatever she darn well pleases.
    Think about your ultimate goal for all of your kids. Take out all the riff raff and boil it down to the meat of the matter. What does that leave you? Every parent here has the same hope and goal for their child, be it a easy child or difficult child...a functional, hopefully happy, adult.
    How, exactly, is 'home' a requirement to meet that ultimate goal?
    Childhood ends. It's over. Your relationship with your adult child changes. You cant stop it. You hope it's a growing process that happens slowly over time. As you now know, and hav read that you are FAR from alone, it doesn't always happen like that.
    I would encourage you to really think about this. Talk to your therapist. Find out how 'home' fits into this picture. Really fits.
    I'm not saying she can't come home, tho I don't think it's a good idea. But, if down the line she were ready to get HERSELF some help (she has to want to change), and the situation was such that your home could be available, it would be worth considering. But making where she lives a requirement for her getting the help she needs? It's just not.