Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
It's a New Day
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar II" data-source="post: 110966" data-attributes="member: 4391"><p>Our families hold such power over us.</p><p></p><p>Maybe what you should do for Christmas, if not this year then next Wtiz, is fly away somewhere with husband.</p><p></p><p>People do, you know.</p><p></p><p>They leave their families and their games and nastiness behind.</p><p></p><p>We can probably never change our families of origin, but we never need to buy into the sickness again, once we can clearly see what it is and how it functions.</p><p></p><p>If it will help any Witz, families which function better when one of them has been painted as a villain will create another villain should the first one refuse to play.</p><p></p><p>Villainizing one of the family members, chillingly enough, is often nothing personal ~ it is just the dynamic of that family.</p><p></p><p>The designated villain carries everything the family does not want acknowledged. </p><p></p><p>There is a story about a family of frogs living in a poisoned pond. The water became steadily more toxic, but the frogs knew nothing else. Everyone in the frog family became sicker and sicker, but they all continued to live there in the poisoned pond because they had no way of knowing there were other places to live. One day, sick at heart, one of the frogs managed to crawl a little way away from the shore. </p><p></p><p>She felt better, though she could not exactly say why. </p><p></p><p>So, she crawled a little further away.</p><p></p><p>Soon enough, she had left the poison pond behind.</p><p></p><p>She lived in clear water and her food was clean and her skin glistened with health. </p><p></p><p>But then, one day, the frog felt lonely for her former life. She had forgotten how hurtful it was. All she remembered was that she missed the other frogs.</p><p></p><p>So, she went back to the poisoned pond.</p><p></p><p>She thought she was strong enough now to teach them a better way, to tell them about the clean water in other ponds.</p><p></p><p>Soon enough, overwhelmed by the toxicity of her home pond, she remembered the cleanliness and strength she had felt once only as a misty kind of dream of a place. As the toxicity of the family pond took hold, she forgot even that.</p><p></p><p>When she next tried to leave the pond, remembering only that she had been able to do that once, she found that she was too weak to make it up the bank.</p><p></p><p>She slipped back into the poisoned pond.</p><p></p><p>And that is where she raised her children.</p><p></p><p>That story made such an impact on me that I never forgot it.</p><p></p><p>When we see ourselves painted as the villain too many times, we lose sight of the fact that, in order for the family dynamic to work, the designated villain must accept, and believe in, her role as the family bad guy.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, the game falls apart, and the family is left to face its truths without a scapegoat to account for their lack of perfection.</p><p></p><p>If you are the family's designated villain Witz, the only way for you to claim your own, unsullied identity is never to go back to the poisoned pond.</p><p></p><p>And if we do go there?</p><p></p><p>Then we have to bring our own oxygen supply, or we will never escape it again.</p><p></p><p>Families are tough, especially at Christmas.</p><p></p><p>But, to paraphrase the Maya Angelou saying Suz has on her profile, once we know better, we can do better.</p><p></p><p>We need to be able to see so clearly that the sicknesses in our families of origin have nothing to do with us. </p><p></p><p>I am glad you destroyed your Christmas decorations.</p><p></p><p>Buy some new ones at the clearance sales and celebrate a whole different kind of Christmas next year.</p><p></p><p> :smile:</p><p></p><p>(I thought that nutcracker thing was so funny, Witz! husband's are so cool, sometimes.)</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar II, post: 110966, member: 4391"] Our families hold such power over us. Maybe what you should do for Christmas, if not this year then next Wtiz, is fly away somewhere with husband. People do, you know. They leave their families and their games and nastiness behind. We can probably never change our families of origin, but we never need to buy into the sickness again, once we can clearly see what it is and how it functions. If it will help any Witz, families which function better when one of them has been painted as a villain will create another villain should the first one refuse to play. Villainizing one of the family members, chillingly enough, is often nothing personal ~ it is just the dynamic of that family. The designated villain carries everything the family does not want acknowledged. There is a story about a family of frogs living in a poisoned pond. The water became steadily more toxic, but the frogs knew nothing else. Everyone in the frog family became sicker and sicker, but they all continued to live there in the poisoned pond because they had no way of knowing there were other places to live. One day, sick at heart, one of the frogs managed to crawl a little way away from the shore. She felt better, though she could not exactly say why. So, she crawled a little further away. Soon enough, she had left the poison pond behind. She lived in clear water and her food was clean and her skin glistened with health. But then, one day, the frog felt lonely for her former life. She had forgotten how hurtful it was. All she remembered was that she missed the other frogs. So, she went back to the poisoned pond. She thought she was strong enough now to teach them a better way, to tell them about the clean water in other ponds. Soon enough, overwhelmed by the toxicity of her home pond, she remembered the cleanliness and strength she had felt once only as a misty kind of dream of a place. As the toxicity of the family pond took hold, she forgot even that. When she next tried to leave the pond, remembering only that she had been able to do that once, she found that she was too weak to make it up the bank. She slipped back into the poisoned pond. And that is where she raised her children. That story made such an impact on me that I never forgot it. When we see ourselves painted as the villain too many times, we lose sight of the fact that, in order for the family dynamic to work, the designated villain must accept, and believe in, her role as the family bad guy. Otherwise, the game falls apart, and the family is left to face its truths without a scapegoat to account for their lack of perfection. If you are the family's designated villain Witz, the only way for you to claim your own, unsullied identity is never to go back to the poisoned pond. And if we do go there? Then we have to bring our own oxygen supply, or we will never escape it again. Families are tough, especially at Christmas. But, to paraphrase the Maya Angelou saying Suz has on her profile, once we know better, we can do better. We need to be able to see so clearly that the sicknesses in our families of origin have nothing to do with us. I am glad you destroyed your Christmas decorations. Buy some new ones at the clearance sales and celebrate a whole different kind of Christmas next year. [img]:smile:[/img] (I thought that nutcracker thing was so funny, Witz! husband's are so cool, sometimes.) Barbara [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
It's a New Day
Top