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It's all my fault
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632398" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion only, you should stop engaging your son so much and let him do or not do things to help himself. He is choosing to not change his lifestyle and is trying to put the blame on you, and the way he is doing it is more like a young child than a grown man. He needs to, in my opinion, make his own decisions and you need to step back and let him sink or swim. He knows where the help is and is choosing not to take it, because he doesn't want to stop using drugs yet.This is his life walk, not yours. You can not take it for him. Overtalking, nagging, begging, crying, etc. will not change him, as you have seen. He doesn't care what you want for him. He doesn't want it for himself. He wants his lifestyle, but he wants you to allow him to engage in dangerous behavior while he lives in your house on your dime. He is sort of doing th e old toddler trick of "holding my breath until I'm blue" to get you to do what he wants you to do, yet he is offering nothing in return. It does not sound as if he is ready to stop using drugs, get a job, and live in society in an age appropriate way.</p><p></p><p>I highly recomend you start looking after YOU, and by the way you are a very important person. Step back from your son's chosen drama and maybe go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get some real life relief (and the cost is great...it's free). Or call the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill because they have help for those who love somebody who is sick, and addiction is an illness, albeit one that can be managed if the sick person is willing. The more you dance with your son, the more power he will feel over your life and the more power he will HAVE over you, while you lie away at night worrying about him and feeling guilty about his bad choices. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it (help me here, COM. I forgot the third C). You have 0% control over anybody accept yourself. And that includes your son. But the good news is you have 100% control over yourself, how you live your life, the way you react to other people and how you decide to go ahead and live your life, in spite of your son's bad choices. It is, of course, nonsense that you have a role in why your son does not quit using drugs. He doesn't quit because he doesn't want to quit. It has nothing to do with you. He is a man now, at an age where many are fighting for their country or working hard in college or some have full time jobs, even families. He is too old to be on public assistance, unless he is truly handicapped, and blameing you for his lack of a fruitful life. But such is the world of addiction.</p><p></p><p>Be good to yourself today and go to a twelve step meeting. They woh't force you to talk. Just listening is enormously helpful. My daughter was a drug addict and the first few times I went to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon (they work in the same way), I just cried. I didn't even say my name. But I listened and learned and today, ten years later, my daughter is clean, but I have a very difficult son and I go at times just to remember that I can't change him and that I don't have to be miserable just because he is. Often it is BETTER than professional therapy. You don't have to be religious to get something out of it. I am more spiritual than religious and it was of enormous help to me and still is. It teaches us how to cope.</p><p></p><p>To also be good to yourself, why not try a good read? "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an awesome read for "fixers" like ourselves. This book alone helped me on MY road to recovery from thinking everyone's problems are my fault and mine to fix. It set me on a new and different path with a brand new insight into myself and those who liked to walk on the doormat (me being that doormat). </p><p></p><p>Try to breathe deeply and find some serenity and peace in your day. Start a healing path for yourself. You are not your son and, while you can hope he does better, you need to focus on yourself so that you can be there for yourself and your other loved ones and friends. Stress kills and it will not help your son one bit. If you step back from his game, he can't play it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and more hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Others will come along who say it better than me. COM? Recovering Enabler? Scent of Cedar? Others?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632398, member: 1550"] Hi there, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. In my opinion only, you should stop engaging your son so much and let him do or not do things to help himself. He is choosing to not change his lifestyle and is trying to put the blame on you, and the way he is doing it is more like a young child than a grown man. He needs to, in my opinion, make his own decisions and you need to step back and let him sink or swim. He knows where the help is and is choosing not to take it, because he doesn't want to stop using drugs yet.This is his life walk, not yours. You can not take it for him. Overtalking, nagging, begging, crying, etc. will not change him, as you have seen. He doesn't care what you want for him. He doesn't want it for himself. He wants his lifestyle, but he wants you to allow him to engage in dangerous behavior while he lives in your house on your dime. He is sort of doing th e old toddler trick of "holding my breath until I'm blue" to get you to do what he wants you to do, yet he is offering nothing in return. It does not sound as if he is ready to stop using drugs, get a job, and live in society in an age appropriate way. I highly recomend you start looking after YOU, and by the way you are a very important person. Step back from your son's chosen drama and maybe go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get some real life relief (and the cost is great...it's free). Or call the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill because they have help for those who love somebody who is sick, and addiction is an illness, albeit one that can be managed if the sick person is willing. The more you dance with your son, the more power he will feel over your life and the more power he will HAVE over you, while you lie away at night worrying about him and feeling guilty about his bad choices. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it (help me here, COM. I forgot the third C). You have 0% control over anybody accept yourself. And that includes your son. But the good news is you have 100% control over yourself, how you live your life, the way you react to other people and how you decide to go ahead and live your life, in spite of your son's bad choices. It is, of course, nonsense that you have a role in why your son does not quit using drugs. He doesn't quit because he doesn't want to quit. It has nothing to do with you. He is a man now, at an age where many are fighting for their country or working hard in college or some have full time jobs, even families. He is too old to be on public assistance, unless he is truly handicapped, and blameing you for his lack of a fruitful life. But such is the world of addiction. Be good to yourself today and go to a twelve step meeting. They woh't force you to talk. Just listening is enormously helpful. My daughter was a drug addict and the first few times I went to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon (they work in the same way), I just cried. I didn't even say my name. But I listened and learned and today, ten years later, my daughter is clean, but I have a very difficult son and I go at times just to remember that I can't change him and that I don't have to be miserable just because he is. Often it is BETTER than professional therapy. You don't have to be religious to get something out of it. I am more spiritual than religious and it was of enormous help to me and still is. It teaches us how to cope. To also be good to yourself, why not try a good read? "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an awesome read for "fixers" like ourselves. This book alone helped me on MY road to recovery from thinking everyone's problems are my fault and mine to fix. It set me on a new and different path with a brand new insight into myself and those who liked to walk on the doormat (me being that doormat). Try to breathe deeply and find some serenity and peace in your day. Start a healing path for yourself. You are not your son and, while you can hope he does better, you need to focus on yourself so that you can be there for yourself and your other loved ones and friends. Stress kills and it will not help your son one bit. If you step back from his game, he can't play it. Hugs and more hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Others will come along who say it better than me. COM? Recovering Enabler? Scent of Cedar? Others? [/QUOTE]
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