Its been ages..some improvement but how deep?

[Lost in sadness]

I am sorry I have not posted in quite a while, I have checked back now and then to see how everyone is doing. It got where I would need to just sit here and update from moment to moment if I continued to come on here.

The update is:- Everything has finally caught up with my son with the police and all of his wrongdoings He lost his provisional car license for 6 months, he got 150 hours of community service for something else and a load of court fines. I admit I paid some of it off as we were risking the bailiffs coming to our house and I wanted it to be a little 'neater' than it all was. He continued living at his girlfriends (so 6 months now) and he completed his hours of unpaid work by going everyday. He secured a job the very day he finished. Things looked on the up.

The relationship with the girlfriend has not been good for a while and I know there were times I made him stay in it as he would have no where else to live. We went away for a short break about 10 days ago and when we returned I discovered my son had been asked to leave the girlfriends house as her mum was fed up with hearing them argue. Fair enough. He had stayed in a hotel for a night but had no more money.

My husband and I spoke and agreed in light of the fact he has a job and been doing ok he could temporarily stay back home to clear some debt and then get another house share in a month or two.

First night good. second night we argued and he got a little angry. He apologised. Been ok for a few days. Husband takes him to work and picks him up as his job is close. He spent one night out clubbing. Fine. One day I knew he had a girl round as I found her underwear on his floor!! NOT happy.

Last night he went out and he had a bag packed. I knew he was going to meet a girl despite his lies. I told him that 10.30pm was late to be going out when we were all going to bed. He told me he was 20 and he was fine, promising to go to work today. I sent him a text at midnight to remind him that the rules of staying here were going to work each day. He agreed. This morning I get a text 'morning mum' at 7.15am. I was impressed. Asked if he needed my husband to pick him up from work and he was evasive. Tried to call him, no answer then he sent a text saying he was at work. I smelt a rat! I checked his email and there it was, the apology written to his new employer saying he was sick and couldn't go in! I am livid!

I have told him he cannot come home tonight. He got angry and shouted over the phone. He then sent texts saying how would he get to work if I didn't let him home and he would lose his job, that i was cruel and horrible Etc etc. I reminded him that he made his own choices and he knew the rules. I suggested he got ready and went in late saying he has managed to get an earlier doctors appointment. He has profusely apologised saying he knows he is wrong and he will go into work tomorrow. I have told him if he doesn't then he will not stay here tomorrow night either and if he loses his job he will need to find someone else permanently. I know I must stick to my guns or we will be back to square one but am I being too hard???

I also know that there are no other options left for him and it will be the streets. I am hoping he does not lose his job and this will be enough of a shock as he has come so far and it will be so sad. I will be honest in saying that I am back on edge with him here and I know my husband is right deep down that there are aspects to my son that will probably never change but he hides it and manages it until he doesn't get his own way. I have offered an olive branch and already he has messed it up.
We also go on holiday next week for a week which I have not told my son about as I do not want him arranging parties. I am worried sick what he will do and I can guarantee he won't go to work as it will mean two buses to get there!

It goes on and on and on.....thoughts please!

 

[BusynMember]

You have options as does your son. It's all about what you are willing to do and how badly your son wants to be a good adult. The latter is not within your control. You can only control yourself. It is not your responsibility to make your don go to work. He is a legal adult and if he doesn't want to work, you can't force him. But you can make it unpleasant for him if he won't. You can and I think should cut off the money. He isn't a little boy who gets an allowance. You don't need to fund anything for him. He might be more apt to work if you didn't. Why work? Dad and Mom will pay.

Your son has the option of working full time, going in every day and having enough money to sustain himself. Many 20 year olds are in the military or juniors in college or full time employees. Your son doesn't have to choose to be abusive and dependent. He has options.

What can you do for yourself?

You can give him twotmonths to figure it out then make him leave. Living with you has not changed him and usually doesn't. When is this man, your son, going to grow up? Most adult kids do poorly under our roofs and so do we...and we matter.

Vacation time : You have every right to lock your son out of your house while you are on vacation. Trust me, our adult kids are resourceful. He will eat, find couches to sleep on, do what is needed to survive. You know if he has access to your house that he will throw parties. No question about it. Why risk the obvious?

Do you see a therapist to help you learn how to best cope with this? Many of us found good help that way. It is hard to go it alone.

Love and light!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi LIS,

Going away and leaving your son in control of the house for a week sounds like a disaster.

Parties and get-together don’t have to be arranged well in advance.

A few years ago, we went away and left my hubby’s then-nineteen year old (not difficult) son in charge of the house so he could take care of the animals and the yard and such.

There had obviously been a party (maybe more than one) as the beer and alcohol bottles were stacked high in the trash when we got home. He didn’t even try to hide them!

And, some of the party-goers kidnapped one of my dogs and went to McDonald’s with him. It was on the internet. (He was returned safely, but I imagine traumatized. He is a very sensitive dog).

I would rethink leaving him alone in the house.

Apple

Edited to add: my older (difficult) son told us once that he always stole stuff whenever he went to people’s parties when the parents were out of town, and so did a lot of his friends. I did notice a few things missing from when my younger step-son had the party, too.