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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 148152" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Mikey, </p><p> </p><p>I have not been part of the McWeedy trilogy, but I can feel for your situation. Df and I nearly came to being divorced before we were married over Dude. </p><p> </p><p>My DF was a lot like you are in the ways that he tried over and over again to help a child that isn't his. They adopted each other when Dude was 10 - but not legally. And Dude's bio father is not worth a mention. </p><p> </p><p>I don't know at what point I realized that my DF was serious about leaving. It was killing him to even say it, and for a while (brief while) I thought it was just talk. When we all went to family counseling one night and DF who rarely spoke long unloaded for 40 minutes about how Dude treats us, me in particular, the times we've "wiped the slate" only to have crapola thrown at us time and again. He was direct and to the point, but cited numerous times that Dude had disrespected his mother and him, and if I wanted to stay and put up with it - I was welcome to do so, but he could not any longer." I knew he was serious. </p><p> </p><p>Then our therapist worked with me one on one and asked me what I thought life would be without DF. Had I considered that I was 42 and had finally found someone I loved and who loved me - was I willing to risk MY future over and over on Dude? And I didn't have to answer I was just supposed to think all the next week about what "helping" Dude meant to my future husband. A man who had been the best Step-Father ever, even better than some real dads. Did I want to see myself in 5 years wondering what my life would have been like WITH him, his love and support or would I rather let Dude stay and try to think what life would be like 5 years from now with a child who has a history of NOT wanting to change and probably will not - and even if he did - I'd still be alone. </p><p> </p><p>So I pondered that for a while and it gave me some insight as to what could really happen in 5 years. I'd be almost 50 - I'd be alone, I'd be living in the Drama that is Dude because to think that when DF left that it would make Dude change because he'd be so sorry - that now I was alone - was a joke. Dude wouldn't care - he never has, he only cares about himself and you when he needs something. I want so badly to think that IF I just did this one last thing or arranged this one last meeting, or stood up against this one last prosecutor, teacher, cop, businessman, friend, that at some point Dude would SEE that I'm not giving up on him - ever. And then it hit me - Does it really make a difference to keep standing up for someone who wants to do nothing for themselves? Am I doing more harm than good? Is he just a baby bird that stuck too long in the nest with doting parents? And No - No to any of it - If I keep doing it - he's never EVER going to learn. If I keep allowing this to happen at 17 - it won't make a dang difference at 18,19.20 - and so on. HE will change when he wants to - and IF I'm still around - good for us both. in the mean time - Off to save myself - literally. Because he's toxic. And if anything was going to work that we've tried to date? I am told it would have worked. What isn't working? Dude- not towards any of it. He thinks everyone will swoop in at the last minute and save him - and this time - there isnt' - I had to move onn and hope that eventually he gets it, and changes. If he doesn't? Ever??? I've removed myself from the drama. Staying around isn't noble like I thought it was - it was killing me. </p><p> </p><p>Mikey, I love my son. I love him more than anything I can think of and would and have done everything in my power to put tools in his path to help him change. And he continues to choose not to change. So the ONLY thing I could do to prevent my heart from being broken was to let him go and detach, and continue to work on detaching. And I HATE IT. I hate even the word detach. I think of my head being lifted off my shoulders like an English gent tips a hat in the 19th century. But it was either Detach from difficult child - or Loose myself, my son and my DF. If I had let DF go - I would have been miserable in years to come because he really is my soul mate - and Dude? Dude's young he has his WHOLE life ahead of him. </p><p> </p><p>Ask your wife seriously where she sees herself in 5 years without you. When DF stepped out of the picture and really let me have Dude ALL to myself for every aspect of his life - it was awful. But to think that 5 years from now I would be ALONE with an OLDER more advanced and street wise Dude ? icicles for raindrops Know what I mean?? </p><p> </p><p>Just sending my regards - You're not alone. </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 148152, member: 4964"] Mikey, I have not been part of the McWeedy trilogy, but I can feel for your situation. Df and I nearly came to being divorced before we were married over Dude. My DF was a lot like you are in the ways that he tried over and over again to help a child that isn't his. They adopted each other when Dude was 10 - but not legally. And Dude's bio father is not worth a mention. I don't know at what point I realized that my DF was serious about leaving. It was killing him to even say it, and for a while (brief while) I thought it was just talk. When we all went to family counseling one night and DF who rarely spoke long unloaded for 40 minutes about how Dude treats us, me in particular, the times we've "wiped the slate" only to have crapola thrown at us time and again. He was direct and to the point, but cited numerous times that Dude had disrespected his mother and him, and if I wanted to stay and put up with it - I was welcome to do so, but he could not any longer." I knew he was serious. Then our therapist worked with me one on one and asked me what I thought life would be without DF. Had I considered that I was 42 and had finally found someone I loved and who loved me - was I willing to risk MY future over and over on Dude? And I didn't have to answer I was just supposed to think all the next week about what "helping" Dude meant to my future husband. A man who had been the best Step-Father ever, even better than some real dads. Did I want to see myself in 5 years wondering what my life would have been like WITH him, his love and support or would I rather let Dude stay and try to think what life would be like 5 years from now with a child who has a history of NOT wanting to change and probably will not - and even if he did - I'd still be alone. So I pondered that for a while and it gave me some insight as to what could really happen in 5 years. I'd be almost 50 - I'd be alone, I'd be living in the Drama that is Dude because to think that when DF left that it would make Dude change because he'd be so sorry - that now I was alone - was a joke. Dude wouldn't care - he never has, he only cares about himself and you when he needs something. I want so badly to think that IF I just did this one last thing or arranged this one last meeting, or stood up against this one last prosecutor, teacher, cop, businessman, friend, that at some point Dude would SEE that I'm not giving up on him - ever. And then it hit me - Does it really make a difference to keep standing up for someone who wants to do nothing for themselves? Am I doing more harm than good? Is he just a baby bird that stuck too long in the nest with doting parents? And No - No to any of it - If I keep doing it - he's never EVER going to learn. If I keep allowing this to happen at 17 - it won't make a dang difference at 18,19.20 - and so on. HE will change when he wants to - and IF I'm still around - good for us both. in the mean time - Off to save myself - literally. Because he's toxic. And if anything was going to work that we've tried to date? I am told it would have worked. What isn't working? Dude- not towards any of it. He thinks everyone will swoop in at the last minute and save him - and this time - there isnt' - I had to move onn and hope that eventually he gets it, and changes. If he doesn't? Ever??? I've removed myself from the drama. Staying around isn't noble like I thought it was - it was killing me. Mikey, I love my son. I love him more than anything I can think of and would and have done everything in my power to put tools in his path to help him change. And he continues to choose not to change. So the ONLY thing I could do to prevent my heart from being broken was to let him go and detach, and continue to work on detaching. And I HATE IT. I hate even the word detach. I think of my head being lifted off my shoulders like an English gent tips a hat in the 19th century. But it was either Detach from difficult child - or Loose myself, my son and my DF. If I had let DF go - I would have been miserable in years to come because he really is my soul mate - and Dude? Dude's young he has his WHOLE life ahead of him. Ask your wife seriously where she sees herself in 5 years without you. When DF stepped out of the picture and really let me have Dude ALL to myself for every aspect of his life - it was awful. But to think that 5 years from now I would be ALONE with an OLDER more advanced and street wise Dude ? icicles for raindrops Know what I mean?? Just sending my regards - You're not alone. Star [/QUOTE]
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