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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 526778" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Nancy, I read your post and thought to myself, I could have written that! I am you! And, I've now raised 3 girls, 2 of whom are difficult child's. I had to come to the exact same conclusions as you have. I am a worrier too. But, they aren't. They are different. And expecting them to behave or react or feel what we feel is an exercise in futility. </p><p></p><p>I think what you are now feeling is acceptance. That is when it all got a lot easier for me, and we're talking a month ago! It sounds trite but it is what it is, they are who they are. Expecting anything different is just turmoil inside of us that goes nowhere but sleepless nights and disappointment and anger. I believe, (now) that detachment is certainly a part of the road, but, for me? It was acceptance. Once that kicked in, I was able to be around my daughter without the expectations she be any different then she is, and that horrible energy was gone. And, she felt it too, because I wasn't always angry at her for being her! Then she began confiding in me, talking to me, because for the first time, I was listening. And she was listening. </p><p></p><p>I am making assumptions here and if it isn't the same, I apologize, but your process is very similar to mine and once I arrived there, it got easier INSIDE ME. Things out there in difficult child land may stay the same, but I felt better. For me, in holding an expectation she was never going to meet was always setting me up for major disappointment and resentment. </p><p></p><p>I talked to my therapist about this last week and she said, as parents we have to let go of our dreams for our kids that are based on what WE want for them. She said, it is a monumental process for a parent fraught with numerous potholes which are devastating. </p><p></p><p>I think your realization will free you. Not to say you won't worry, but I hope, like me, the worry is much less and manageable rather then the kind that terrorizes you. </p><p></p><p>I was just thinking last night, as I was (somewhat) worried about the outcome of my difficult child's latest issue, that this is MY LIFE, and way too much of it has been worrying about what other people are doing or not doing, and since I have no control over it anyway, I may as well enjoy myself <em>until the other shoe actually drops, and THEN move into action if I have to</em>. So, I let it go and had a good night. It's become so much easier to do that now. I hope that is true for you too. I think you had a very important epiphany, and one that will liberate you. Good job.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 526778, member: 13542"] Nancy, I read your post and thought to myself, I could have written that! I am you! And, I've now raised 3 girls, 2 of whom are difficult child's. I had to come to the exact same conclusions as you have. I am a worrier too. But, they aren't. They are different. And expecting them to behave or react or feel what we feel is an exercise in futility. I think what you are now feeling is acceptance. That is when it all got a lot easier for me, and we're talking a month ago! It sounds trite but it is what it is, they are who they are. Expecting anything different is just turmoil inside of us that goes nowhere but sleepless nights and disappointment and anger. I believe, (now) that detachment is certainly a part of the road, but, for me? It was acceptance. Once that kicked in, I was able to be around my daughter without the expectations she be any different then she is, and that horrible energy was gone. And, she felt it too, because I wasn't always angry at her for being her! Then she began confiding in me, talking to me, because for the first time, I was listening. And she was listening. I am making assumptions here and if it isn't the same, I apologize, but your process is very similar to mine and once I arrived there, it got easier INSIDE ME. Things out there in difficult child land may stay the same, but I felt better. For me, in holding an expectation she was never going to meet was always setting me up for major disappointment and resentment. I talked to my therapist about this last week and she said, as parents we have to let go of our dreams for our kids that are based on what WE want for them. She said, it is a monumental process for a parent fraught with numerous potholes which are devastating. I think your realization will free you. Not to say you won't worry, but I hope, like me, the worry is much less and manageable rather then the kind that terrorizes you. I was just thinking last night, as I was (somewhat) worried about the outcome of my difficult child's latest issue, that this is MY LIFE, and way too much of it has been worrying about what other people are doing or not doing, and since I have no control over it anyway, I may as well enjoy myself [I]until the other shoe actually drops, and THEN move into action if I have to[/I]. So, I let it go and had a good night. It's become so much easier to do that now. I hope that is true for you too. I think you had a very important epiphany, and one that will liberate you. Good job. [/QUOTE]
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