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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 527178" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>This is an interesting conversation and I appreciate it a lot. It's been a long road for me to make distinctions with these issues. I think for me, acceptance is about accepting the person my daughter is, to really look at her and accept her for who she is separate from me and my aspirations for her. And then, there are behaviors which are not in my realm of thinking as morally 'right.' It took me awhile to be able to distinguish that and to not just be angry at her for not doing the right thing. I guess when I say acceptance, I mean accepting her in spite of the choices she makes.</p><p></p><p>I recall a time in therapy talking about myself and my experience of feeling shamed as a kid. The therapist said that my parents did not make a distinction between my behaviors, which they may have felt were wrong, and ME, so that I grew up thinking there was something inherently wrong with ME, as opposed to my behaviors. It feels bad to feel that way, I didn't want to do that to my difficult child. So, I have tried to make a distinction for myself, with my daughter's behavior and my daughter and who she is. I didn't want to keep making her wrong for doing things which she couldn't help doing. Acceptance for me is about having compassion for her, recognizing that she is different then I am and because of some brain anomaly she may make bad choices. I don't have to like her choices or accept them as okay. I started to understand what she meant when she said I didn't accept her for who she is. </p><p></p><p>For me, therapy has helped me to see that part of the issues with my difficult child relate to me, not her. My control issues, my codependency issues, my fears, my enabling, are my issues and dealing with those has helped me to be able to more effectively deal with my daughter's issues too. One aspect of that has been my somewhat harsh judgements of myself, which then translates outside of myself and onto others like my difficult child. In learning acceptance of myself, it was so much easier to learn acceptance of her. </p><p></p><p>I am in no way suggesting that other parents here on this board have issues which need to be addressed in therapy, I am only speaking for myself and my experience. I've needed help to unravel my own 'stuff' and heal from that. This is how I look at it, not to say I am 'right' simply my own feelings and experiences.</p><p></p><p>This therapy group I'm in now, which primarily deals with codependency issues with (mainly) parents of kids who are either substance abusers or mentally ill, has helped me immeasurably because it's given me the tools and the understanding to recognize my issues, deal with that, and then use the tools I've learned to deal with my daughter. Just having a space where I can talk about these issues and get feedback not only from the therapist, but from other parents going through essentially the exact same feelings that I am going through, is an amazing support and has kept me not only afloat these last few months, but relatively calm and free of that debilitating worry that use to keep me up all night.</p><p></p><p>This thread began with that worry Nancy was going through. For me, so much of that has been worry about things that haven't happened yet, the "what if's." That's the part I've begun to let go of, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've learned that codependents are motivated by fear, fear is the basis for all my worry and I've spent so much time worrying about stuff that actually never happened! When I add that all up and realize how much actual time that's been, it gives me a real incentive to stop that behavior! And that part, I can change. I can't change my difficult child and the choices she makes, but I can change me and the unnecessary worry I go through. And, I can shift my feelings about my difficult child by my acceptance of her which makes both of our lives much more peaceful and comfortable.</p><p></p><p>I've learned that my difficult child has a brain which fires very differently then mine does. My therapist tells me that it is not that different with people who are substance abusers since their brains are changed because of the drugs and their reactions and choices are then impacted by those changes. That information helped me to separate the choices my difficult child was making, with who she is as a person. Once I was able to do that, I could accept her. The choices are what I have to keep boundaries around.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 527178, member: 13542"] This is an interesting conversation and I appreciate it a lot. It's been a long road for me to make distinctions with these issues. I think for me, acceptance is about accepting the person my daughter is, to really look at her and accept her for who she is separate from me and my aspirations for her. And then, there are behaviors which are not in my realm of thinking as morally 'right.' It took me awhile to be able to distinguish that and to not just be angry at her for not doing the right thing. I guess when I say acceptance, I mean accepting her in spite of the choices she makes. I recall a time in therapy talking about myself and my experience of feeling shamed as a kid. The therapist said that my parents did not make a distinction between my behaviors, which they may have felt were wrong, and ME, so that I grew up thinking there was something inherently wrong with ME, as opposed to my behaviors. It feels bad to feel that way, I didn't want to do that to my difficult child. So, I have tried to make a distinction for myself, with my daughter's behavior and my daughter and who she is. I didn't want to keep making her wrong for doing things which she couldn't help doing. Acceptance for me is about having compassion for her, recognizing that she is different then I am and because of some brain anomaly she may make bad choices. I don't have to like her choices or accept them as okay. I started to understand what she meant when she said I didn't accept her for who she is. For me, therapy has helped me to see that part of the issues with my difficult child relate to me, not her. My control issues, my codependency issues, my fears, my enabling, are my issues and dealing with those has helped me to be able to more effectively deal with my daughter's issues too. One aspect of that has been my somewhat harsh judgements of myself, which then translates outside of myself and onto others like my difficult child. In learning acceptance of myself, it was so much easier to learn acceptance of her. I am in no way suggesting that other parents here on this board have issues which need to be addressed in therapy, I am only speaking for myself and my experience. I've needed help to unravel my own 'stuff' and heal from that. This is how I look at it, not to say I am 'right' simply my own feelings and experiences. This therapy group I'm in now, which primarily deals with codependency issues with (mainly) parents of kids who are either substance abusers or mentally ill, has helped me immeasurably because it's given me the tools and the understanding to recognize my issues, deal with that, and then use the tools I've learned to deal with my daughter. Just having a space where I can talk about these issues and get feedback not only from the therapist, but from other parents going through essentially the exact same feelings that I am going through, is an amazing support and has kept me not only afloat these last few months, but relatively calm and free of that debilitating worry that use to keep me up all night. This thread began with that worry Nancy was going through. For me, so much of that has been worry about things that haven't happened yet, the "what if's." That's the part I've begun to let go of, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've learned that codependents are motivated by fear, fear is the basis for all my worry and I've spent so much time worrying about stuff that actually never happened! When I add that all up and realize how much actual time that's been, it gives me a real incentive to stop that behavior! And that part, I can change. I can't change my difficult child and the choices she makes, but I can change me and the unnecessary worry I go through. And, I can shift my feelings about my difficult child by my acceptance of her which makes both of our lives much more peaceful and comfortable. I've learned that my difficult child has a brain which fires very differently then mine does. My therapist tells me that it is not that different with people who are substance abusers since their brains are changed because of the drugs and their reactions and choices are then impacted by those changes. That information helped me to separate the choices my difficult child was making, with who she is as a person. Once I was able to do that, I could accept her. The choices are what I have to keep boundaries around. [/QUOTE]
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