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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 527193" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I don't come in here often, but this thread spoke to me. My difficult children have had minor run-ins with substance abuse but it's run its course (although I had an alcoholic mother, and two ex-husbands who were alcoholics, so I'm well versed in SA/codependency/Al-Anon). But, I understand all too well what Nancy is feeling.</p><p></p><p>This comment struck me: </p><p></p><p>Acceptance isn't about accepting their behavior. I'll never accept that kind of behavior, either. But I'll accept that I can't do a dang thing about it, and it's not my choice, it's theirs. Acceptance is coming to the realization that despite your best efforts and intentions, <em>you cannot change anything about your difficult child's (or anyone's) behavior.</em> We have to accept that, whether we like it or not, or live a life full of misery (in my opinion). You can only change one thing: you. And that is incredibly difficult. I personally couldn't have done it without good therapists along the way. RE hit on what I have worked on for years. My issues with my difficult children are just that: mine. I believe in my way of living life. My difficult children believe in another way. They are not me, they're not even an extension of me. They are who they are, and they are adults and make their own decisions, even if those decisions sometimes end up being horribly dangerous (sometimes dangerous to my grandkids). The only person I was making an impact on with all my worrying and fretting and well-intentioned advice-giving was ME. I was falling apart: stressed out, heart palpatations, chest pain, depressed. All because of someone else's behavior. My worrying was accomplishing nothing and many times, acting on that worrying only made my difficult children' behavior worse. I *had* to learn to fix that in myself, even though it was a pattern long-ingrained in me. </p><p></p><p>So, it may be who you are now. But it doesn't have to be who you are forever. Working on it isn't easy, though. It's downright painful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 527193, member: 1157"] I don't come in here often, but this thread spoke to me. My difficult children have had minor run-ins with substance abuse but it's run its course (although I had an alcoholic mother, and two ex-husbands who were alcoholics, so I'm well versed in SA/codependency/Al-Anon). But, I understand all too well what Nancy is feeling. This comment struck me: Acceptance isn't about accepting their behavior. I'll never accept that kind of behavior, either. But I'll accept that I can't do a dang thing about it, and it's not my choice, it's theirs. Acceptance is coming to the realization that despite your best efforts and intentions, [i]you cannot change anything about your difficult child's (or anyone's) behavior.[/i] We have to accept that, whether we like it or not, or live a life full of misery (in my opinion). You can only change one thing: you. And that is incredibly difficult. I personally couldn't have done it without good therapists along the way. RE hit on what I have worked on for years. My issues with my difficult children are just that: mine. I believe in my way of living life. My difficult children believe in another way. They are not me, they're not even an extension of me. They are who they are, and they are adults and make their own decisions, even if those decisions sometimes end up being horribly dangerous (sometimes dangerous to my grandkids). The only person I was making an impact on with all my worrying and fretting and well-intentioned advice-giving was ME. I was falling apart: stressed out, heart palpatations, chest pain, depressed. All because of someone else's behavior. My worrying was accomplishing nothing and many times, acting on that worrying only made my difficult children' behavior worse. I *had* to learn to fix that in myself, even though it was a pattern long-ingrained in me. So, it may be who you are now. But it doesn't have to be who you are forever. Working on it isn't easy, though. It's downright painful. [/QUOTE]
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