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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 527413" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>So many good points and things to think about that I will have to go back and reread this many times to absorb it all.</p><p></p><p>I started out this thread by saying I finally understood why I am like I am and that I have been a fixer and a worrier all my life, so my difficult child did not invent that in me and trying to get me to detach from that mode of operation is like cutting off my right arm. So I finally was getting it that I am who I am and she is who she is and has been that way long before drugs and so I have to finally accept that fact.</p><p></p><p>I get what you are saying TL and I agree that I love my difficult child for the person she can be and for the person I have seen at times.</p><p></p><p>But RE I can't get past the not radiating disapproval at our difficult child's when they are using drugs. I love my difficult child, I have told her that a thousand times the past couple years. I have been there to support her recovery every step of the way. I know she felt my love. That is the one thing I am sure of. husband and I stood with her during these past two years and we did our part of the recovery work too. But we have also been honest through that process that we cannot and will not accept her drug/alcohol use and that will never change. And part of the line drawn in the sand is that she won't have a relationship with us if she is not in recovery because we are not going to let her think we agree with her choices and we are certainly not going to watch her kill herself. It's part of the consequences she is choosing when she chooses drugs. She is cutting herself off from her family. And yet we have also told her so many times that we will be there to support her if and when she goes back into recovery. But until them I am not going to invite her over for Sunday dinner and act like everything is ok.</p><p></p><p>I know my difficult child and what I have learned from years of snooping is that she thinks if we don't say anything we have forgotten about it or accepted it. Well we haven't. She would tell me all the time,"her parents don't care, they don't say anything", yadda.</p><p></p><p>And I agree with Sig that I accept that I have no control over difficult child's life. She is making many choices I wish she wouldn't but they are not illegal and so she is in control of her own life and also responsible for it. I don't want to be in control of her life anymore, but I can't accept her illegal and very dangerous behaviors that affect not only her life but so many lives around her. It goes against everything I have been raised with and the character that I have built my life around. It goes against my inner morals, those morals way down deep inside you that just can't be brushed away.</p><p></p><p>I love my difficult child unconditionally. No matter what she does I will always love her. The courts recognize this when they do not force spouses to testify against each other. I can't pull my love for her out of my heart because of what she is doing. It won't go away. And I too will be there to support her should she decide to get help.</p><p></p><p>I don't think I will ever reach the definition of acceptance that some have here and that is ok. I don't think I will ever be at rest with her decisions and I think it will always impact our relationship. I do accept that I have no control over her decisions and I also accept that she is going to do what she wants to do and that is the way she has always been. I get that....I accept that. I am not in denial nor do I think I have some superhuman power to make her change.</p><p></p><p>Janet there are some who feel differently than you do about the military. I absolutely do not want this thread to become political because it is too important to us for it to be closed down. But Sig was not trying to make you feel bad. She was trying to explain that she may not agree with some of her son's life choices but she would accept them because they are not immoral or illegal. (I hope I am explaining that correctly Sig). I agree with her on that issue because of my personal experiences with young people who are either in or have been in the military and also based on my personal feelings on what is going on in the world right now. But I applaud anyone else who thinks this is the right decision for them. It just is not for me and I would not want my difficult child or easy child to choose that path, although if they did I would accept it. I believe she was trying to show that although she may not like a path her kids would take she would accept it so long as it was not immoral or illegal.</p><p></p><p>If my daughter was 18 and took off for the west coast to find herself I may have no idea what she is doing. And ignorance is bliss. And we may never see each other again or have any kind of meaningful relationship. But so what does that mean? That I shouldn't worry that my difficult child is on opiates now and headed for life on the streets and will probably turn to prostitution before long just because she doesn't live clear across the country and I don't know what she does? It is true what we don't know can't hurt us but sadly here we all know what our difficult child' are doing it doesn't go away because we tell ourselves to stop worrying.</p><p></p><p>I do agree that we are being asked to let go in a far different way than most any other parent except maybe those whose children are in jail. Sometimes I get the idea that if they were in jail we would not be criticized for worrying, we would be expected to or at least it would be understood. I have let go. I have given up on watching her become a successful young woman doing something that she is passionate about, and meeting perhaps a young man or someone she could share her life with, or the family times together and vacations and shopping trips and talks on the phone and doing her laundry and listening to her talk about her day and watching her struggle to become the kind of person she is capable of becoming. I have given up so much and let go until my arms and heart feel empty.</p><p></p><p>I go about my day doing things that make me feel good about how I am living my life. I am not sitting around consumed with what she is doing. I too go out with my husband and easy child and my friends. Gosh I can go into the grocery store now and run into one of my neighbors and the subject of my difficult child doesn't even come up, there are no tears, I don't to unload. But like TL said if I let go anymore there would be no point in having a daughter, I would let her go into the world and forget about her, wipe her memory out of my mind completely. Nothing that she did would matter because she would not even be in my memory.</p><p></p><p>I have rambled and I'm not sure I made much sense or where this all leads me but I'm glad I took this journey with you all and like I started out I have so much to think about and try to process in my head.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p><p></p><p>P.S. Sig our replies crossed but I wanted to mention that an army recruiter hooked onto my difficult child wheh she was a junior in high school and he came to the high school to "recruit". Of course he smelled out my difficult child along with many other difficult child's who where floundering and not on a stable life path. So for the next two years we got calls all day and night from him and some of them were not very nice and I finally told him that difficult child was on medication and had many serious issues that caused to act out in destructive ways, that she was an out-of-control kid and that she was defiant in every sense of the word and she was costing us a lot of money in medical and legal bills and if that is the kind of person they wanted in the service they could come and pick her up right now. My dad spent six years in the army overseas during WWII and he truly is a hero. There was no way my difficult child was going to "straighten out" by joining the service. But hey if they wanted to be responsible for her then more power to them. She of course decided there was no way she could take orders from anyone and wouldnot get up at dawn to make her bed....in spite of the fact that she thought she woud have a field day with all the guys around her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 527413, member: 59"] So many good points and things to think about that I will have to go back and reread this many times to absorb it all. I started out this thread by saying I finally understood why I am like I am and that I have been a fixer and a worrier all my life, so my difficult child did not invent that in me and trying to get me to detach from that mode of operation is like cutting off my right arm. So I finally was getting it that I am who I am and she is who she is and has been that way long before drugs and so I have to finally accept that fact. I get what you are saying TL and I agree that I love my difficult child for the person she can be and for the person I have seen at times. But RE I can't get past the not radiating disapproval at our difficult child's when they are using drugs. I love my difficult child, I have told her that a thousand times the past couple years. I have been there to support her recovery every step of the way. I know she felt my love. That is the one thing I am sure of. husband and I stood with her during these past two years and we did our part of the recovery work too. But we have also been honest through that process that we cannot and will not accept her drug/alcohol use and that will never change. And part of the line drawn in the sand is that she won't have a relationship with us if she is not in recovery because we are not going to let her think we agree with her choices and we are certainly not going to watch her kill herself. It's part of the consequences she is choosing when she chooses drugs. She is cutting herself off from her family. And yet we have also told her so many times that we will be there to support her if and when she goes back into recovery. But until them I am not going to invite her over for Sunday dinner and act like everything is ok. I know my difficult child and what I have learned from years of snooping is that she thinks if we don't say anything we have forgotten about it or accepted it. Well we haven't. She would tell me all the time,"her parents don't care, they don't say anything", yadda. And I agree with Sig that I accept that I have no control over difficult child's life. She is making many choices I wish she wouldn't but they are not illegal and so she is in control of her own life and also responsible for it. I don't want to be in control of her life anymore, but I can't accept her illegal and very dangerous behaviors that affect not only her life but so many lives around her. It goes against everything I have been raised with and the character that I have built my life around. It goes against my inner morals, those morals way down deep inside you that just can't be brushed away. I love my difficult child unconditionally. No matter what she does I will always love her. The courts recognize this when they do not force spouses to testify against each other. I can't pull my love for her out of my heart because of what she is doing. It won't go away. And I too will be there to support her should she decide to get help. I don't think I will ever reach the definition of acceptance that some have here and that is ok. I don't think I will ever be at rest with her decisions and I think it will always impact our relationship. I do accept that I have no control over her decisions and I also accept that she is going to do what she wants to do and that is the way she has always been. I get that....I accept that. I am not in denial nor do I think I have some superhuman power to make her change. Janet there are some who feel differently than you do about the military. I absolutely do not want this thread to become political because it is too important to us for it to be closed down. But Sig was not trying to make you feel bad. She was trying to explain that she may not agree with some of her son's life choices but she would accept them because they are not immoral or illegal. (I hope I am explaining that correctly Sig). I agree with her on that issue because of my personal experiences with young people who are either in or have been in the military and also based on my personal feelings on what is going on in the world right now. But I applaud anyone else who thinks this is the right decision for them. It just is not for me and I would not want my difficult child or easy child to choose that path, although if they did I would accept it. I believe she was trying to show that although she may not like a path her kids would take she would accept it so long as it was not immoral or illegal. If my daughter was 18 and took off for the west coast to find herself I may have no idea what she is doing. And ignorance is bliss. And we may never see each other again or have any kind of meaningful relationship. But so what does that mean? That I shouldn't worry that my difficult child is on opiates now and headed for life on the streets and will probably turn to prostitution before long just because she doesn't live clear across the country and I don't know what she does? It is true what we don't know can't hurt us but sadly here we all know what our difficult child' are doing it doesn't go away because we tell ourselves to stop worrying. I do agree that we are being asked to let go in a far different way than most any other parent except maybe those whose children are in jail. Sometimes I get the idea that if they were in jail we would not be criticized for worrying, we would be expected to or at least it would be understood. I have let go. I have given up on watching her become a successful young woman doing something that she is passionate about, and meeting perhaps a young man or someone she could share her life with, or the family times together and vacations and shopping trips and talks on the phone and doing her laundry and listening to her talk about her day and watching her struggle to become the kind of person she is capable of becoming. I have given up so much and let go until my arms and heart feel empty. I go about my day doing things that make me feel good about how I am living my life. I am not sitting around consumed with what she is doing. I too go out with my husband and easy child and my friends. Gosh I can go into the grocery store now and run into one of my neighbors and the subject of my difficult child doesn't even come up, there are no tears, I don't to unload. But like TL said if I let go anymore there would be no point in having a daughter, I would let her go into the world and forget about her, wipe her memory out of my mind completely. Nothing that she did would matter because she would not even be in my memory. I have rambled and I'm not sure I made much sense or where this all leads me but I'm glad I took this journey with you all and like I started out I have so much to think about and try to process in my head. Nancy P.S. Sig our replies crossed but I wanted to mention that an army recruiter hooked onto my difficult child wheh she was a junior in high school and he came to the high school to "recruit". Of course he smelled out my difficult child along with many other difficult child's who where floundering and not on a stable life path. So for the next two years we got calls all day and night from him and some of them were not very nice and I finally told him that difficult child was on medication and had many serious issues that caused to act out in destructive ways, that she was an out-of-control kid and that she was defiant in every sense of the word and she was costing us a lot of money in medical and legal bills and if that is the kind of person they wanted in the service they could come and pick her up right now. My dad spent six years in the army overseas during WWII and he truly is a hero. There was no way my difficult child was going to "straighten out" by joining the service. But hey if they wanted to be responsible for her then more power to them. She of course decided there was no way she could take orders from anyone and wouldnot get up at dawn to make her bed....in spite of the fact that she thought she woud have a field day with all the guys around her. [/QUOTE]
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