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JT's ADHD and Risk-Seeking Behavior
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 398121" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Oh, the things I listed about gfgbro are just a teensy drop in the ocean of his exploits. I know he has done terrible things to me that he either cannot remember because substance induced blackouts or selective memory or whatever, and I am positive that in the years when he spent most of the year living in other states he did similar awful things to other people there. I can remember him telling me some truly terrible things about a girl he was "dating". He actually asked me to call her once, to try to "make friends" from halfway across the country. She was horrified by my call (had changed her number twice to hide from him!) and once she learned I was NOT NOT NOT encouraging him and that my eyes truly were open to what kind of a person he really is, she told me awful things he had done and said to her. He went on and on after they "broke up" about how she owed him money for various things when in fact he owed her a LOT of money AND had cost her even more in terms of court costs for restraining orders, new phone numbers, etc...</p><p> </p><p>It was just awful. My father has insisted that keeping a child from his license and from doing other things that "all the other kids his age are doing" is abusive and setting up the child for failure as an adult. I felt truly blessed that Wiz made hte choice to not get his license until he was almost 18. My parents insisted on it then but previously Wiz was afraid he would get upset or make an impulsive decision and hurt someone. Wiz has seen enough of gfgbro that he works hard to make good choices. Wiz once told me that when he is faced with a decision that involves something risky he actually asks himself what gfgbro would do - and does the opposite every time!! </p><p> </p><p>In fact, it was seeing behavior and reactions similar to gfgbro's that first made me think Wiz had problems. boy did husband and I get grief for that - because nothing is wrong with gfgbro, right? (I heard that more times than I can count, lol!) I firmly believe that giving kids a car because they reach a certain age is irresponsible. It does NOT make the child more mature and it puts LOTS of people at risk every day.</p><p> </p><p>I think Marg is right. We have a huge number of privileges in the US, and often do not pay attention to the responsibilities that accompany them. Esp with regard to our kids. Very often our kids think they deserve a car, all expenses paid at a 4 yr college, etc.... just the way they think they deserve Wii's, cell phones, and fancy new clothes. </p><p> </p><p>It is high time for JT to start to dealw ith the real world. That means he has to pay the costs of his actions, he has to face the devastation he has caused. Not just by himself, but actually go face to face with the owners of the property, with you and husband there to witness everything, and make amends - verbal apologies and work to pay for the wreckage. This needs to happen for EACH of his escapades. I cannot call them accidents because they are pretty much guaranteed to happen given the way he acts.</p><p> </p><p>He needs to be kept away from his peers esp in unsupervised-by-adults situations. He just is not ready for the responsibilities that those situations require. It means being far more "hands on" than many people feel a 16yo needs/requires, but it will help your son to be able to put the pieces together to connect his actions and the disasters that follow.</p><p> </p><p>At this point I have flat out refused to go over my gfgbro's actions toward us and those that I saw when he latched on to the crowd of people I was friends with in college. He has "made amends" in a way that he feels is satisfactory for his AA program and feels I am vindictive and grudge-bearing because I will not pretend it never happened. I will not EVER go into details with him because he is very emotionally fragile and the probability that he would kill himself if he knew/allowed himself to remember what he had done (esp to women) exceeds 100% (This is the reason I stopped seeing the only psychiatrist in our town - she asked me to so that she can treat him with-o conflict, at the time I explained some of the things that happened and she agreed with my evaluation that he would kill himself if he ever knew.).</p><p> </p><p>You are right that it is better to have him miserable and alive than happy and engaging in risk taking behaviors that are likely to kill or maim him. Has anyone evaluated him for executive function disorders? the lack of ability to foresee the consequences of his actions makes me wonder. Also for sensory issues, as the thrill seeking behavior may be providing some type of sensory stimulation.</p><p> </p><p>Sorry if I rambled. I don't think that JT has the mean streak that my gfgbro has, more that he just cannot connect the action and the consequence. My gfgbro has a LOT more than that going on, in my opinion. And has mean right down to the bone, esp toward women. I wish I could help his daughter - it is a shame that she has to grow up in that environment!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 398121, member: 1233"] Oh, the things I listed about gfgbro are just a teensy drop in the ocean of his exploits. I know he has done terrible things to me that he either cannot remember because substance induced blackouts or selective memory or whatever, and I am positive that in the years when he spent most of the year living in other states he did similar awful things to other people there. I can remember him telling me some truly terrible things about a girl he was "dating". He actually asked me to call her once, to try to "make friends" from halfway across the country. She was horrified by my call (had changed her number twice to hide from him!) and once she learned I was NOT NOT NOT encouraging him and that my eyes truly were open to what kind of a person he really is, she told me awful things he had done and said to her. He went on and on after they "broke up" about how she owed him money for various things when in fact he owed her a LOT of money AND had cost her even more in terms of court costs for restraining orders, new phone numbers, etc... It was just awful. My father has insisted that keeping a child from his license and from doing other things that "all the other kids his age are doing" is abusive and setting up the child for failure as an adult. I felt truly blessed that Wiz made hte choice to not get his license until he was almost 18. My parents insisted on it then but previously Wiz was afraid he would get upset or make an impulsive decision and hurt someone. Wiz has seen enough of gfgbro that he works hard to make good choices. Wiz once told me that when he is faced with a decision that involves something risky he actually asks himself what gfgbro would do - and does the opposite every time!! In fact, it was seeing behavior and reactions similar to gfgbro's that first made me think Wiz had problems. boy did husband and I get grief for that - because nothing is wrong with gfgbro, right? (I heard that more times than I can count, lol!) I firmly believe that giving kids a car because they reach a certain age is irresponsible. It does NOT make the child more mature and it puts LOTS of people at risk every day. I think Marg is right. We have a huge number of privileges in the US, and often do not pay attention to the responsibilities that accompany them. Esp with regard to our kids. Very often our kids think they deserve a car, all expenses paid at a 4 yr college, etc.... just the way they think they deserve Wii's, cell phones, and fancy new clothes. It is high time for JT to start to dealw ith the real world. That means he has to pay the costs of his actions, he has to face the devastation he has caused. Not just by himself, but actually go face to face with the owners of the property, with you and husband there to witness everything, and make amends - verbal apologies and work to pay for the wreckage. This needs to happen for EACH of his escapades. I cannot call them accidents because they are pretty much guaranteed to happen given the way he acts. He needs to be kept away from his peers esp in unsupervised-by-adults situations. He just is not ready for the responsibilities that those situations require. It means being far more "hands on" than many people feel a 16yo needs/requires, but it will help your son to be able to put the pieces together to connect his actions and the disasters that follow. At this point I have flat out refused to go over my gfgbro's actions toward us and those that I saw when he latched on to the crowd of people I was friends with in college. He has "made amends" in a way that he feels is satisfactory for his AA program and feels I am vindictive and grudge-bearing because I will not pretend it never happened. I will not EVER go into details with him because he is very emotionally fragile and the probability that he would kill himself if he knew/allowed himself to remember what he had done (esp to women) exceeds 100% (This is the reason I stopped seeing the only psychiatrist in our town - she asked me to so that she can treat him with-o conflict, at the time I explained some of the things that happened and she agreed with my evaluation that he would kill himself if he ever knew.). You are right that it is better to have him miserable and alive than happy and engaging in risk taking behaviors that are likely to kill or maim him. Has anyone evaluated him for executive function disorders? the lack of ability to foresee the consequences of his actions makes me wonder. Also for sensory issues, as the thrill seeking behavior may be providing some type of sensory stimulation. Sorry if I rambled. I don't think that JT has the mean streak that my gfgbro has, more that he just cannot connect the action and the consequence. My gfgbro has a LOT more than that going on, in my opinion. And has mean right down to the bone, esp toward women. I wish I could help his daughter - it is a shame that she has to grow up in that environment! [/QUOTE]
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