Just a little vent, please!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredmommy, Aug 21, 2011.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    So Friday morning I woke up with terrible neck/shoulder pain; I must have slept wrong because it felt like a pinched nerve and muscle spasms. I didn't do too much that morning other than ice it, stretch and hope the Motrin would kick in. It finally did and, while it still hurt, I was able to take Duckie to several thrift stores to look for shoes for the play she's in. We got in later than I planned because I was moving slowly and thankfully husband had dinner on the table so I could sit. I took Duckie to friend's house for a little while and came home to collapse. I couldn't fall asleep until 4am because the muscle spasms were back.

    That takes us to yesterday. The house was trashed (which I hate) and we had plans to go to a picnic for a little while. We picked up most of the clutter and were on our way but the house seriously needed a good dusting and vacuum due to the kitty hair. Duckie said she'd help when we got home with either making dinner or cleaning (I got to choose). I chose that I would clean and she would cook because she still has a hard time doing a good job with the vacuum.

    So she decided to make tomato soup, mac & cheese and baby carrots. Not the best meal, maybe, but she's cooking. I was in the kitchen cleaning and supervising the entire process. So in comes husband... starts giving her directions, critiquing what she's doing and he starts to take over. She gets angry (I don't blame her) and he gets more pushy about "helping". I step in and say "Three in the kitchen is too many" and ask for his help setting the table. Here's the thing that really upsets me, though: he doesn't understand that he was undermining her by stepping on Duckie's toes. She offered to help, made a plan and was executing it. Isn't that good enough for a ten year old? Plus, there was an adult in the room. Jeez! :hammer:
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I understand. It happens here, too. Hope your pain level is easily manageable today. Hugs.
  3. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    funny you mention it...the *exact* same thing happened here yesterday. difficult child 2 offered to help with dinner (a miracle in itself) and was making guacamole (we are working on knife skills here) and husband felt the need to criticize her...for no real reason. honestly, i really wouldnt expect someone with Occupational Therapist (OT) issues to make perfectly uniform diced tomatos--wth is the difference, lol--it all tastes the same!

    mine *DOESNT* get it. at all.

    i dont know what the answer is, but i just thought i'd commiserate with you....

    i feel for the girls.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I think a simple "it's GIRL time" or "no men allowed" should be firmly stated as soon as the men enter the room. No time to say A THING before he's shooed out. Glad I don't have this problem. I don't have girls and I don't have "man" in the house. WHEW!
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    TM, this could happen for any of several reasons. He may have had the idea that you were in pain and exhausted and he was doing a good thing by taking over iwth Duckie so that you could go and rest. Or he may have seen you two doing something together and wanted to join in as a family activitiy. But his way of joining needs some help and guidance. Or he may just be the type who honestly believes that his orders are needed if he is there in order for the project to turn out the way it "should".

    You need to sit down with him at a calm time and talk about this. Explain that Duckie was making dinner and you were there in case she needed an adult, but that she must be able to do these things HER WAY or else she likely will not truly learn the skills she needs. Also explain that while he may see his "suggestions" as helping, as a way of contributing, Duckie sees them as a clear message that her way, and your way as you were allowing her to do it her way, are just not good enough and will NEVER be good enough for him. It likely is not the message he is wanting to send or a message that he has any clue that he is sending. But in communication it is not what the sender wants to say that is important - it is what the receiver perceives the message to be that is important. He needs to change his message and how he sends it so that Duckie can get the messgae that he thinks she is awesome and has good ideas and he is proud of her for trying whatever it is.

    This is a time when you and husband may need to role play so that he can see how you and duckie felt - after all how would he feel if he had Duckie weeding and you came home and went over and started telling her how to do it differently and taking over? How would he feel if he was the kid cooking dinner for the family and you came in and started telling him what to do when and running roughshod over the plans that were already taking place.

    I have an uncle who is always right. There are 2 ways to do things - his way and the wrong way. This extends to every single bit of minutiae and every single minute of every day of his life. I have a vivid memory of a holiday dinner at his house, a big fancy thing though it was just his family, my mom, bro and I. He actually came over to me at one point to tell me how to cut up my food because I was cutting it into squares and triangles were more efficient. I had NO idea that he was serious and started laughing like a loon. TO this day I find it hilarious that this man, had to be in his fifties as his wife is much older than my mom (they are sibs), actually tried to tell me how to cut up the food that I was about to chew into bits and swallow!!! He was NOT amused by my laughter or my continueing tocut my food the 'wrong' way, but he backed off because he had no clue how to handle me. If I had protested or argued, he would have argued right back, but outright laughter from a seven or eight year old just flabbergasted him. He has very strained relationships with his grown children, some of his grands won't speak to him at all and his wife has devoted her life to the bottles of wine she consumes in an effort to drown out any desires she has to do anything other than quilt her way.

    This is a great opportunity to stop and take the time to help your husband and Duckie learn those social rules that make living in a family a lot easier. I am sure he is no where near as controlling as my uncle, but it is a behavior choice that could drive a real wedge between then.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You can get a ten year old to plan a meal and actually put it all together???
    First - WOW.

    Second, where's my wooden spoon (the one that looks like a kitchen witch)... I'm coming over to have a visit with husband and whack a thing or two through his brain. He's got an ANGEL for a daughter, and he needs a new pair of parent-glasses so he can see how good he's got it.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm impressed with duckie!!!!

    I think she did a GREAT job. My kids would have nuked a TV dinner...lol.

    I think telling hub it's "woman time" is a good idea :)
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Ins Cdn- that's exactly what I was thinking. :hammer:

    Susie- He's not always like this, sometimes he forgets that family is not work and we are not to be "managed", Know what I mean??

    TeDo- I try not to manage their relationship (it's pretty healthy, actually) but I did step in and remove the offending party. ;)

    Confuzzled- We have plenty of time to work on perfecting technique, right?

    Mary- Of course you understand, we have cosmic twins, lol! Pain is getting better, too!

    Thanks everyone. I think he just needed to be part of the fun and was awkward about inserting himself.
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    MWM- we were posting at the same time. Yep- I know college kids that wouldn't have done as well.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Sigh... At least she cooks... J is good at flat-cheese sandwiches. Bread, cheese, in a hot skillet, pressed to within a millimeter of its life. No butter... LOL!
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Should have sent Miss KT to you this summer...Duckie could teach her how to cook, and Miss KT could teach Duckie how to do laundry. I expect there will be a rude awakening later this week when Miss KT gets settled into the on-campus apartment and no food magically appears at mealtimes.
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Mary- Send her with a tea kettle and ramen noodles. She'll survive!

    Step- She wants to learn how to make grilled cheese sandwiches a la Depp (with the iron), lol!
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Right on Duckie! That's so great that she is cooking. Manster loves to cook though I wish he liked cleaning up after himself more.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your back pain. I really hope you're feeling back to normal soon.
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks, ML. it's slowly resolving. My chiro is out of town until the 31st so I hope to make it until then otherwise I have to go to the guy that's covering. I felt really sore the one time I've been treated by him so I'll wait if at all possible. Duckie doesn't clean up so well herself too. I've been trying to get her to tidy as she goes but my efforts have been pretty futile so far.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very impressive for Duckie to plan and cook the meal. My difficult child loves to cook but the mess-yikes!! However, we just had to institute a new microwave only rule for when we're not home. Sat. he was making ramen noodles (which he has made several times with-o us at home as a snack when he gets home from school) while we were at the club and burnt his hand-it's about an inch and a half burn.

    Be careful-if you get Duckie to clean I'm definitely sending difficult child your way!
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOL I loved the movie Benny and Joon... Though I did not know how to make a GCS at all till husband showed me. And I love them...
  17. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    W.O.- Ouch! I hope his hand heals up quick. Duckie did that last year so she's learned the hard way to be careful.

    Step- I make grilled cheese in the frying pan, husband uses the iron and foil. Duckie thinks it's hilarious!
  18. easy child liked playing "Restaurant" at that age. Wrote menus and everything. Some selections were ... odd ... but what the heck, I wasn't cooking. I used to tip her. She liked that a lot.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Step - stuff that kids like J can cook, that forms the basis for "later" when they have to cobble something up for themselves...
    - boiled eggs and/or scrambled
    - microwave veggies (frozen corn is a snap)
    - rice (easier than potatoes... no peeling, plus with potatoes you have to know which to boil and which to bake)
    - some basic form of ground beef... tacos, hamburgers, meat balls, whatever
    - brownies (they are supposed to be flat, so it doesn't matter if you over-beat them) or date squares
    - soup from a can (with variations... take chicken noodle soup and add more veggies and more chicken...)
    - some form of pasta dish

    There... now they know enough to not starve, and might even impress you if you came for supper in 10 years.

    My challenge is.. they still cannot do more than ONE of those at a time... so, putting a meal on doesn't work. Not even breakfast!
    That's why I was so impressed with Duckie!