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Just a little vent, please!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 454608" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>TM, this could happen for any of several reasons. He may have had the idea that you were in pain and exhausted and he was doing a good thing by taking over iwth Duckie so that you could go and rest. Or he may have seen you two doing something together and wanted to join in as a family activitiy. But his way of joining needs some help and guidance. Or he may just be the type who honestly believes that his orders are needed if he is there in order for the project to turn out the way it "should".</p><p></p><p>You need to sit down with him at a calm time and talk about this. Explain that Duckie was making dinner and you were there in case she needed an adult, but that she must be able to do these things HER WAY or else she likely will not truly learn the skills she needs. Also explain that while he may see his "suggestions" as helping, as a way of contributing, Duckie sees them as a clear message that her way, and your way as you were allowing her to do it her way, are just not good enough and will NEVER be good enough for him. It likely is not the message he is wanting to send or a message that he has any clue that he is sending. But in communication it is not what the sender wants to say that is important - it is what the receiver perceives the message to be that is important. He needs to change his message and how he sends it so that Duckie can get the messgae that he thinks she is awesome and has good ideas and he is proud of her for trying whatever it is. </p><p></p><p>This is a time when you and husband may need to role play so that he can see how you and duckie felt - after all how would he feel if he had Duckie weeding and you came home and went over and started telling her how to do it differently and taking over? How would he feel if he was the kid cooking dinner for the family and you came in and started telling him what to do when and running roughshod over the plans that were already taking place.</p><p></p><p>I have an uncle who is always right. There are 2 ways to do things - his way and the wrong way. This extends to every single bit of minutiae and every single minute of every day of his life. I have a vivid memory of a holiday dinner at his house, a big fancy thing though it was just his family, my mom, bro and I. He actually came over to me at one point to tell me how to cut up my food because I was cutting it into squares and triangles were more efficient. I had NO idea that he was serious and started laughing like a loon. TO this day I find it hilarious that this man, had to be in his fifties as his wife is much older than my mom (they are sibs), actually tried to tell me how to cut up the food that I was about to chew into bits and swallow!!! He was NOT amused by my laughter or my continueing tocut my food the 'wrong' way, but he backed off because he had no clue how to handle me. If I had protested or argued, he would have argued right back, but outright laughter from a seven or eight year old just flabbergasted him. He has very strained relationships with his grown children, some of his grands won't speak to him at all and his wife has devoted her life to the bottles of wine she consumes in an effort to drown out any desires she has to do anything other than quilt her way.</p><p></p><p>This is a great opportunity to stop and take the time to help your husband and Duckie learn those social rules that make living in a family a lot easier. I am sure he is no where near as controlling as my uncle, but it is a behavior choice that could drive a real wedge between then.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 454608, member: 1233"] TM, this could happen for any of several reasons. He may have had the idea that you were in pain and exhausted and he was doing a good thing by taking over iwth Duckie so that you could go and rest. Or he may have seen you two doing something together and wanted to join in as a family activitiy. But his way of joining needs some help and guidance. Or he may just be the type who honestly believes that his orders are needed if he is there in order for the project to turn out the way it "should". You need to sit down with him at a calm time and talk about this. Explain that Duckie was making dinner and you were there in case she needed an adult, but that she must be able to do these things HER WAY or else she likely will not truly learn the skills she needs. Also explain that while he may see his "suggestions" as helping, as a way of contributing, Duckie sees them as a clear message that her way, and your way as you were allowing her to do it her way, are just not good enough and will NEVER be good enough for him. It likely is not the message he is wanting to send or a message that he has any clue that he is sending. But in communication it is not what the sender wants to say that is important - it is what the receiver perceives the message to be that is important. He needs to change his message and how he sends it so that Duckie can get the messgae that he thinks she is awesome and has good ideas and he is proud of her for trying whatever it is. This is a time when you and husband may need to role play so that he can see how you and duckie felt - after all how would he feel if he had Duckie weeding and you came home and went over and started telling her how to do it differently and taking over? How would he feel if he was the kid cooking dinner for the family and you came in and started telling him what to do when and running roughshod over the plans that were already taking place. I have an uncle who is always right. There are 2 ways to do things - his way and the wrong way. This extends to every single bit of minutiae and every single minute of every day of his life. I have a vivid memory of a holiday dinner at his house, a big fancy thing though it was just his family, my mom, bro and I. He actually came over to me at one point to tell me how to cut up my food because I was cutting it into squares and triangles were more efficient. I had NO idea that he was serious and started laughing like a loon. TO this day I find it hilarious that this man, had to be in his fifties as his wife is much older than my mom (they are sibs), actually tried to tell me how to cut up the food that I was about to chew into bits and swallow!!! He was NOT amused by my laughter or my continueing tocut my food the 'wrong' way, but he backed off because he had no clue how to handle me. If I had protested or argued, he would have argued right back, but outright laughter from a seven or eight year old just flabbergasted him. He has very strained relationships with his grown children, some of his grands won't speak to him at all and his wife has devoted her life to the bottles of wine she consumes in an effort to drown out any desires she has to do anything other than quilt her way. This is a great opportunity to stop and take the time to help your husband and Duckie learn those social rules that make living in a family a lot easier. I am sure he is no where near as controlling as my uncle, but it is a behavior choice that could drive a real wedge between then. [/QUOTE]
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