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just about had it with my teenager/ how could i of done this better......?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 126717" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, here's my list. I'm also summarising what has already been said, so this isn't just me. And if others here disagree with my overall summary - please say so. I have no intention to put words in other's mouths.</p><p></p><p>Janet's suggested rules are good. The thing is, you need to get organisedBEFORE things happen. In the middle of a crisis is not time to be thinking, "Now how should I handle tis?" Role play in your head BEFORE time. You know how we so often say to ourselves afterwards, "If only I had done this," and then we put it aside because the crisis is over? Well this is like the little ol' man in Arkansas whose roof is leaking while the rain is pouring down. He won't fix it while it's raining (fair enough) but he then won't fix it when the sun is shining, because the roof isn't leaking right now!</p><p></p><p>This is the leaking roof.</p><p></p><p>Other things I saw (from the luxury of 3,000 miles and been there done that) - you were screaming "respect!" while showing her none. OK, she was not deserving of any by your reckoning at that moment, but I think you can see with hindsight, screaming at her wasn't going to be teaching her to respect you any time soon. All you did was try to use Fear Factor, which is as dangerous to use as heroin. Because it's addictive, it's damaging and you need to use even bigger doses all the time, to get the same effect. Soon it will be out of control.</p><p></p><p>Walk away. Or make her walk away. If she is determined to throw a scene, it's kind of pointless when the audience walks out. One option is to put her in the padded cell. The other option is to ensure her environment is already close enough to padded cell, and take yourself and your other daughter out of the cell and go somewhere else.</p><p></p><p>She can still milk more drama out of this - talking to her friends. "My mother really blew her stack with me, she slammed me against the wall. But I'm tough - she had to stop because my little sister got in between us, threatened to call the cops. My mother is a nut case!"</p><p>It's not true (mostly) but the per group lap it up and she gains merit in their eyes for being so tough, and for being able to make her mother crack. This in turn leads to a greater chance of recurrence.</p><p></p><p>That's why it's best to plan well ahead, and do your utmost to stay calm and walk away.</p><p></p><p>A big concern I have - you have, I feel, too high a premium on her respecting you WHILE SHE'S RAGING. If you drive your car up the back of someone else's and they climb out of their car and start screaming at you with, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" then standing on your high horse and saying, "I insist you show respect to me, or I'm not talking to you," is not going to help. It's likely to get your head kicked in.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying forgo respect. But while they're raging, some things have to be let go. For that moment. Frankly, communication and discussion have to be let go until they're ready to communicate at a normal volume and - yes- show respect.</p><p>In the car accident scenario, you should write your details down on a piece of paper, call the cops to mediate (and to report it) if you feel it would be wise, and do whatever it takes to hose down the incident. Afterwards, when the other driver is being reasonable (and you have apologised, if it was your fault) then you can perhaps talk more peacably. Until then, do the right thing but do not engage.</p><p></p><p>You probably think from this that my kids walk all over me. They don't. And we do still have rages from easy child 2/difficult child 2 which are driving me nuts. But when she's screaming at me (or husband) we are getting absolutely nowhere with trying to resolve whatever has set this all off, and engaging is futile. For us, we have the added problem that when she is calm and we try to talk about it, it often sets her off again. So we talk about it in tiny bits. Eventually, even if it takes a week, I get the message through that her reactions are over the top; that they are disrespectful; that we are concerned for her because if she talks to US like tat, how will she manage with those who aren't her family (and who therefore owe her no compassion whatsoever)?</p><p></p><p>And the two sisters in the house thing - this used to happen with us, when easy child used to come home on weekends. Within minutes of her arrival there would be screaming matches. We said what we could, but mostly it was a matter of waiting until they grew up a bit more.I did wonder at the time (and wonder about your situation) - I think it was the older sister trying to establish that SHE is the person who is the boss of the house, and in some way is trying to teach the younger one to stay subservient. Along the way, you are being put in your place too - not acceptable.</p><p>And since it is the presence of others which triggers this, remove that presence (ie take yourself and your younger one to your room and lock the door).</p><p></p><p>Again - not engaging, removing yourself, only discussing when she's calmer, setting up house rules - and NOT giving four, five, six or more verbal warnings. ONE. Then leave.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 126717, member: 1991"] OK, here's my list. I'm also summarising what has already been said, so this isn't just me. And if others here disagree with my overall summary - please say so. I have no intention to put words in other's mouths. Janet's suggested rules are good. The thing is, you need to get organisedBEFORE things happen. In the middle of a crisis is not time to be thinking, "Now how should I handle tis?" Role play in your head BEFORE time. You know how we so often say to ourselves afterwards, "If only I had done this," and then we put it aside because the crisis is over? Well this is like the little ol' man in Arkansas whose roof is leaking while the rain is pouring down. He won't fix it while it's raining (fair enough) but he then won't fix it when the sun is shining, because the roof isn't leaking right now! This is the leaking roof. Other things I saw (from the luxury of 3,000 miles and been there done that) - you were screaming "respect!" while showing her none. OK, she was not deserving of any by your reckoning at that moment, but I think you can see with hindsight, screaming at her wasn't going to be teaching her to respect you any time soon. All you did was try to use Fear Factor, which is as dangerous to use as heroin. Because it's addictive, it's damaging and you need to use even bigger doses all the time, to get the same effect. Soon it will be out of control. Walk away. Or make her walk away. If she is determined to throw a scene, it's kind of pointless when the audience walks out. One option is to put her in the padded cell. The other option is to ensure her environment is already close enough to padded cell, and take yourself and your other daughter out of the cell and go somewhere else. She can still milk more drama out of this - talking to her friends. "My mother really blew her stack with me, she slammed me against the wall. But I'm tough - she had to stop because my little sister got in between us, threatened to call the cops. My mother is a nut case!" It's not true (mostly) but the per group lap it up and she gains merit in their eyes for being so tough, and for being able to make her mother crack. This in turn leads to a greater chance of recurrence. That's why it's best to plan well ahead, and do your utmost to stay calm and walk away. A big concern I have - you have, I feel, too high a premium on her respecting you WHILE SHE'S RAGING. If you drive your car up the back of someone else's and they climb out of their car and start screaming at you with, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" then standing on your high horse and saying, "I insist you show respect to me, or I'm not talking to you," is not going to help. It's likely to get your head kicked in. I'm not saying forgo respect. But while they're raging, some things have to be let go. For that moment. Frankly, communication and discussion have to be let go until they're ready to communicate at a normal volume and - yes- show respect. In the car accident scenario, you should write your details down on a piece of paper, call the cops to mediate (and to report it) if you feel it would be wise, and do whatever it takes to hose down the incident. Afterwards, when the other driver is being reasonable (and you have apologised, if it was your fault) then you can perhaps talk more peacably. Until then, do the right thing but do not engage. You probably think from this that my kids walk all over me. They don't. And we do still have rages from easy child 2/difficult child 2 which are driving me nuts. But when she's screaming at me (or husband) we are getting absolutely nowhere with trying to resolve whatever has set this all off, and engaging is futile. For us, we have the added problem that when she is calm and we try to talk about it, it often sets her off again. So we talk about it in tiny bits. Eventually, even if it takes a week, I get the message through that her reactions are over the top; that they are disrespectful; that we are concerned for her because if she talks to US like tat, how will she manage with those who aren't her family (and who therefore owe her no compassion whatsoever)? And the two sisters in the house thing - this used to happen with us, when easy child used to come home on weekends. Within minutes of her arrival there would be screaming matches. We said what we could, but mostly it was a matter of waiting until they grew up a bit more.I did wonder at the time (and wonder about your situation) - I think it was the older sister trying to establish that SHE is the person who is the boss of the house, and in some way is trying to teach the younger one to stay subservient. Along the way, you are being put in your place too - not acceptable. And since it is the presence of others which triggers this, remove that presence (ie take yourself and your younger one to your room and lock the door). Again - not engaging, removing yourself, only discussing when she's calmer, setting up house rules - and NOT giving four, five, six or more verbal warnings. ONE. Then leave. Marg [/QUOTE]
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just about had it with my teenager/ how could i of done this better......?
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